Today I was feeling lonely and longing to be loved and to love back. This is not an unusual occurrence. And I was thinking – maybe I should try harder with my husband. Maybe I can try to be more giving to him and then maybe he will be more giving to me and then maybe things will get better.
After work, I went to the gym as usual, and then I went to a couple of grocery stores to pick up a couple of things. No big shopping trip or anything. Just a couple of things at a couple of stores.
I really didn’t feel like making dinner. My daughter had already texted me that she was eating dinner with her friend before going to do her volunteer work. (I’m so proud of her for her volunteer work!) I thought about asking my husband if he would get his own dinner and then I wouldn’t have to bother with dinner, but I decided that, no, I would make dinner when I got home.
He was out in the yard, having planted some vegetables. He talked to me for a few minutes about his garden and the deer and one of his customers and his helper being sick. I still didn’t want to make dinner, but being a good wife, I started dinner while he took a shower. After his shower, he came into the kitchen and asked me what I was making. I told him and he said, oh, I already ate. I thought you were shopping so I got my own dinner. And then he went in the other room.
Now, I’m not necessarily going to put this down to passive aggressive behavior, but, you know what. It had the same effect. I felt life being sucked out of me.
Maybe it was just a communication thing. I don’t know. I don’t care.
I don’t know why I bother thinking that maybe I can get along better with him somehow. I don’t know why I bother still trying to be a good wife and make dinner and wash laundry and go grocery shopping.
My daughter is so filled with anger. It is coming out now in tears and pain. I’m trying to comfort her and help her. And then I think about him and I wonder why I would want to try harder to get along with him when he hasn’t been there for her.
Yes, I’ve screwed up many things and done many things wrong in our marriage. Codependency is not good for relationships, either, for as nice a people as codependents are. But I still don’t know that he and I could ever have a good relationship. At least not the kind of relationship I want.
Just another evening…