just another evening…

Today I was feeling lonely and longing to be loved and to love back.  This is not an unusual occurrence.    And I was thinking – maybe I should try harder with my husband.   Maybe I can try to be more giving to him and then maybe he will be more giving to me and then maybe things will get better.

After work, I went to the gym as usual, and then I went to a couple of grocery stores to pick up a couple of things.  No big shopping trip or anything.  Just a couple of things at a couple of stores.

I really didn’t feel like making dinner.  My daughter had already texted me that she was eating dinner with her friend before going to do her volunteer work.  (I’m so proud of her for her volunteer work!)  I thought about asking my husband if he would get his own dinner and then I wouldn’t have to bother with dinner, but I decided that, no, I would make dinner when I got home.

He was out in the yard, having planted some vegetables.   He talked to me for a few minutes about his garden and the deer and one of his customers and his helper being sick.  I still didn’t want to make dinner, but being a good wife, I started dinner while he took a shower.  After his shower, he came into the kitchen and asked me what I was making.  I told him and he said, oh, I already ate.  I thought you were shopping so I got my own dinner.  And then he went in the other room.

Now, I’m not necessarily going to put this down to passive aggressive behavior, but, you know what.  It had the same effect.  I felt life being sucked out of me.

Maybe it was just a communication thing.  I don’t know.   I don’t care.

I don’t know why I bother thinking that maybe I can get along better with him somehow.  I don’t know why I bother still trying to be a good wife and make dinner and wash laundry and go grocery shopping.

My daughter is so filled with anger.  It is coming out now in tears and pain.  I’m trying to comfort her and help her.   And then I think about him and I wonder why I would want to try harder to get along with him when he hasn’t been there for her.

Yes, I’ve screwed up many things and done many things wrong in our marriage.  Codependency is not good for relationships, either, for as nice a people as codependents are.  But I still don’t know that he and I could ever have a good relationship.  At least not the kind of relationship I want.

Just another evening…

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7 Responses to just another evening…

  1. I don’t know if the WP reader is screwy or if you posted three times quickly, but these posts read all in a row tell a sad, sad story. He cancelled your credit card, he’ll pay half of the expenses to repair your car (very grudgingly), he eats dinner but doesn’t say a word until you’ve started cooking. My darling, you might as well be divorced. You’d be better off divorced. At least then you’d have your *own* credit card and wouldn’t waste your time/energy cooking if you didn’t feel like it. And you could get rid of the van for something smaller and more fuel efficient. You were going to see a lawyer awhile back — did you? Why are you torturing yourself with this man?

  2. marsocmom says:

    I think it’s great that you chose to cook, for lots of good reasons. It’s not your problem that he fed himself without waiting for you. I hope you finished the dish…you can feed it to him tomorrow without having to cook again, or he can just heat up the leftovers and eat by himself again. I totally understand wanting to be a good wife, but do it for yourself and your dignity, not for him.

  3. chosetobehappy says:

    I think there’s really no point here anymore dear, he’s not worth it but you are worth a heck of a lot more!!

  4. lonelywife07 says:

    Please think about your daughter…and what this is doing to her!! If she’s not in counseling, she needs to be! She has to have a safe place where she feels listened too…also, her anger at her father can influence her in such a way that she’ll make bad decisions in her own life…I’ve seen it in my best friends daughter!!
    You need to leave….. find a small apt. that the two of you can share, get a second job, whatever! You and your daughter need healing, and you’ll never get it in that house, living with him.

  5. mourninglight says:

    Even though he was extremely immature and uncaring in ‘contributing’ towards the van repairs, it seems that the crumb was enough to stir up guilt and feelings of trying again.

    I get that.

    Just keep thinking about what you need, and what you can do to love yourself right now. You matter, and you’re worth it.

    http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com

  6. giorge thomas says:

    You should have asked. He should have told. Yes, communication. I work odd hours now that I’m part time so I can write, and I’m never sure what time I’ll be home. But me and the husband always text one another regard to dinner. It’s common courtesy. It’s not about feeling whether you are a good wife or not for cooking.

    I’m just going to get on my high horse here: If you are both working, then cooking the nightly meal shouldn’t be all down to you. It should be an equal contribution.

  7. Cynthia says:

    I would ask my pah if he was hungry before cooking anything for him. He told me I was a good cook, but he often did not eat what I had prepared. I changed my lifestyle several yrs ago to get healthy, so now I rarely eat meat or potatoes. Just healthy food. Husband eats a high-fat diet, high in additives. So I cooked what he liked, switched to ground turkey, but usually did not eat it myself. Anyway, when he left our marriage, during his explosion of anger and verbal abuse, he said he doesn’t like my music and we don’t eat the same things! Pretty pathetic statements to make when someone is walking out on their spouse.

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