pity party

I feel so angry and frustrated.

I feel like I want too much.

So many people talk about the importance of gratitude and then I feel terrible because I am not more thankful.

I hate myself for wanting a house that is pretty with a roof that doesn’t leak and a floor that isn’t rotting.  It should be enough that I have hot running water.

My husband took one of our cats to the vet for me today.  He made dinner for me this evening.  He offered to rub my feet for me tonight.

Why can’t that be enough?  Why do I have to be an ungrateful wretch?  Why can’t I love him and not long for anything more or different?

My brother remarked to me recently in an email that neither my husband nor I know what I want from my husband.  So I’ve been thinking about that.

I love the book His Needs Her Needs.  I need what that book says.  I need Trust and Financial Support and a Daddy for my children and Affection (and SEX) and Intimate Conversation.

This week, I read the book The Five Love Languages, so I could learn more about myself.  I’m not sure what my own love language is.  I like to give gifts, but I don’t know if that is most meaningful to me.  I think that maybe in my life, gifts have been substitutes for relationships.   The one I found myself crying over was Quality Time and that also included Intimate Conversation.   I think that maybe that is the one.  I think, though, that the Intimate Conversation part would have to include some Words of Affirmation.  And I need sex.  I really do.

I often pray for emotional healing, but I realized that what I was asking for was that I wouldn’t need to be loved.  How crazy is that?

I’ve been thinking, too, that I will never get out of this place in my life.  But what do they say?  The only thing that is constant is change, or something like that?  So maybe something will change.  My life has always changed, hasn’t it?  But I was thinking, am I better off now, am I a better person now than I was ten years ago?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think so at all.  Maybe I’ve learned one or two things, but I wouldn’t say that I am in a better place than I was ten years ago.   I hope that ten years from now, I can say that I am better off, that I am a better person.  Right now, I feel pretty screwed up and pretty screwed.  (Pardon me if that is offensive to you.  I don’t usually talk that way, but sometimes it seems to fit.)

Anyhow…

Whatever.

I read a beautiful quote this week, so I’ll share it with you:

May every sunrise bring you hope; may every sunset bring you peace.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to pity party

  1. rougedmount says:

    i am not where i thought i would be 10 years ago either and learning to let go of your expectations will help you live in the moment

  2. Married...but Lonely says:

    My husband and I had a huge blow up today…well, I blew up…he’s PA…he very rarely shows when he gets upset.
    And it’s because I was soooo freaking frustrated with him! I TRY to tell him how emotionally lonely I am…and he starts giving me excuses and telling me that he IS trying! Grrrr….it’s the same as it’s ever been…he’s not trying at all!
    And you are NOT having a pity party! What you’re feeling is perfectly normal…considering you’re married to a PA!

  3. chosetobehappy says:

    Boy are we ever hard on ourselves for wanting something. It’s all good to give but you have forgotten to give to you, and if no one gives to you then who will if not you. The more important thing other than wanting all these things is to give yourself a break, take some good care of you and your daughters. Your husband will not have so much power over you with his pa shenanigans if you are giving to you what you need: love. And I’m sure your daughters will give you love too. To expect from someone what they cannot and will not give is futile in this case, he will never get to that point because he doesn’t want to. Period. Love yourself, then I hope you will be able to move forward and move out.

    • chosetobehappy says:

      PS. I’m hard on myself too but I took back me a few years ago, and I’m so much better than I was 10 years ago. Just do it.

  4. mourninglight says:

    “I hate myself for wanting a house that is pretty with a roof that doesn’t leak and a floor that isn’t rotting. It should be enough that I have hot running water.”

    I’m going to venture a guess that while next to no one likes a leaky roof or rotting floor, that the worst part of it might be feeling as though he doesn’t care if you live with it. In other words, what matters deeply to you is not necessarily a priority or something to care about for him.

    Wanting to feel loved is healthy and normal.

    Your post has stirred up so many feelings, I think I’ll blog about it.

    http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com

  5. Pingback: He does all that | my life in pajamas

  6. Exodus says:

    First of all, if any of us wanted too much, we wouldn’t be in relationships with people that have nothing to give back. Someone or some prior experience taught us to set the bar very low for ourselves.

    Your brother’s comment is probably true though I doubt he realizes why. Our PA husbands don’t know themselves or what they really want and because of that, we can never know them and because of that, we end up confused and constantly second guessing and doubting ourselves- our worth, our mental stability, our intelligence and even our own good character in a desperate effort to discover the cause and then fix everything.

    Counting our blessings. I know that despite what I endure on a daily basis, I’m much better off than some folks but I also know that if my husband wasn’t PA and we were a team, we would be much more successful in every aspect of our lives. He’s the only one holding us back with his constant undermining of any progress that we make. I am always trying to improve our circumstances and the harder I work at that, the harder he works to undermine my efforts and devalue everything. I live in a state of constant fear and loneliness.

    Mourninglight sums up, very well, how I feel all the time….that he simply doesn’t care and that I’m never one of his priorities. If he cared at all, he would want to be my partner in life and we would be problem-solving, maturing and growing together. It’s only after an argument that he says that he cares but I tell him that his words are just words and that he has never shown an ounce of concern for me even if I’m injured or sick. Last night he told me that if he didn’t care about me that things would be VERY different!! He was being mean and threatening when he said that. I calmly asked him, ‘ How so?” He didn’t say a word and just looked at me with his usual blank stare. I asked him again to give me one example of how my life could get any worse if he didn’t care about me. I asked him how I would notice this ‘change’ in him. He told me that he works hard for me. Me? He would do that anyway even If I were not here, He just doesn’t get it and never will.

    My best friend, the only friend I have actually, knows what I go through on a daily basis and she always tries to help me focus on my blessings and not allow him to destroy my hope of getting out of here but every day is an aching burden now (literally). I don’t look forward to the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next holiday or the next year. I have nothing to look forward to except the next dreadful thought about my life.

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