I feel so angry and frustrated.
I feel like I want too much.
So many people talk about the importance of gratitude and then I feel terrible because I am not more thankful.
I hate myself for wanting a house that is pretty with a roof that doesn’t leak and a floor that isn’t rotting. It should be enough that I have hot running water.
My husband took one of our cats to the vet for me today. He made dinner for me this evening. He offered to rub my feet for me tonight.
Why can’t that be enough? Why do I have to be an ungrateful wretch? Why can’t I love him and not long for anything more or different?
My brother remarked to me recently in an email that neither my husband nor I know what I want from my husband. So I’ve been thinking about that.
I love the book His Needs Her Needs. I need what that book says. I need Trust and Financial Support and a Daddy for my children and Affection (and SEX) and Intimate Conversation.
This week, I read the book The Five Love Languages, so I could learn more about myself. I’m not sure what my own love language is. I like to give gifts, but I don’t know if that is most meaningful to me. I think that maybe in my life, gifts have been substitutes for relationships. The one I found myself crying over was Quality Time and that also included Intimate Conversation. I think that maybe that is the one. I think, though, that the Intimate Conversation part would have to include some Words of Affirmation. And I need sex. I really do.
I often pray for emotional healing, but I realized that what I was asking for was that I wouldn’t need to be loved. How crazy is that?
I’ve been thinking, too, that I will never get out of this place in my life. But what do they say? The only thing that is constant is change, or something like that? So maybe something will change. My life has always changed, hasn’t it? But I was thinking, am I better off now, am I a better person now than I was ten years ago? I don’t think so. I don’t think so at all. Maybe I’ve learned one or two things, but I wouldn’t say that I am in a better place than I was ten years ago. I hope that ten years from now, I can say that I am better off, that I am a better person. Right now, I feel pretty screwed up and pretty screwed. (Pardon me if that is offensive to you. I don’t usually talk that way, but sometimes it seems to fit.)
I read a beautiful quote this week, so I’ll share it with you:
May every sunrise bring you hope; may every sunset bring you peace.