What does “I try to be nice” actually mean?
Last night, I lost it.
I was crying and crying because I felt like I really couldn’t take it anymore. He came in the kitchen and asked if he could do anything to help me. I told him that I wanted him to go away and leave me alone.
He asked me what was wrong. I yelled at him. I told him that my daughters don’t have a daddy and that he cancelled my credit card. I told him that I hated it that I had to ask him to leave the house just so my daughter would come out of her room. I told him that every time I went shopping, it was like a wound that I was paying cash because he canceled my credit card.
I told him that I hated coming home every night, that every day I wished I didn’t have to come home. I told him that I think of going to the doctor and getting medication for depression because I hate it here and I get suicidal and it scares me.
He said he understood. (REALLY????)
He said that my daughters do have a daddy, they just don’t choose him.
He said he cancelled the credit card because he was scared. He said he didn’t know what was going on when I went out to lunch with someone.
He said things didn’t have to be this way. He said we could be loving towards each other. He said he loved me very much. He said he would get me another credit card.
He said that he tries to be nice. He said that he has feelings, too, and that he was hurt when I got a massage and when I went out to lunch.
I told him it was just lunch and that it’s not like I went to a hotel with the guy. I told him that maybe he should ask himself why I would even be tempted to go out with someone who seemed like they were interested in listening to me talk.
I told him I knew he had feelings and that was why all the years when I wanted him to be more involved with the family, when I wanted more from him, when I wanted him to have sex with me, I never said anything because I didn’t want to be a nagging, bitchy wife.
Oh, and the cars came into it again – how he resented it that I thought he should provide cars for our daughters to drive to college. He said he was glad that I had a job and could provide things for my daughters.
This went on for awhile. I really lost it. I yelled and screamed at him. He actually was pretty calm and listened and answered, but then he said he was going to go finish watching his movie.
At first I was mad that he just left and went back to the movie, but I guess there really was no way we were going to come to any kind of agreement anyhow.
And then I started thinking that I really am a terrible wife.
Maybe he really does love me. Maybe I should try harder to be more loving towards him and not expect anything at all.
Maybe I really am just a wretched, bitchy wife who went out to lunch with another man.