Mother’s Day

So, how was your Mother’s Day?

Mine was fine, from a mother/daughter perspective.

I called my mom and talked (or rather, mostly listened) to her for awhile.  The office she works for had moved into a new building this week so there was a lot going on for her.   I had already ordered a gift for her, which I know she will like, but it was out of stock and will ship in a couple of weeks.  I didn’t get a card sent – sending her cards is always hard for me, given our rocky past – but I did a blog post, written to her, on my garden blog.  I thought it was rather special.

My older daughter and I talked on the phone for awhile.  School is out for her for the summer.   She wants to work more hours than she is now at her part time job and maybe she’ll look for a second part time job.  She has some plans for her time now that school isn’t taking so much of it.

My younger daughter made me the most adorable little “diorama” in globe-shaped tea-light, or votive, holder.  It is a bridge between two boulders with water running under it.  Of course, the whole thing is less than 2″ x 2″ and it is adorable.  She wanted to help me wash the dishes, but she was afraid “he” would come home while we were washing dishes.  But we will go to movie together tomorrow night.

I am content with this Mother’s Day.

On the other hand, I was told that my family is cold and distant and so I didn’t teach my daughters to come running to see their daddy when he came home from work.  Oh, but he loves me and wants to show me love, but I won’t let him touch me.  And he needs sex.  He feels like it is pointless to try to earn more money because no matter what he does, it is not good enough for me.  And he will never do everything that I want him to.  I am just unhappy and I don’t want to be happy.  Oh, and I waste too much money.  Let’s see… did I leave anything out?  Probably.  After awhile, my brain just shuts down.

Oh, I remember something else he said.  He asked me if he could do anything for me.  I told him that I didn’t want to tell him and that he wouldn’t do it even if I did tell.

He said, you want me to move out and that will make everything all better.

I told him, no, it wouldn’t make everything all better, but it would give my daughter breathing room.  Then he went on this tirade – only he wasn’t yelling or anything – about how he didn’t have to put the oil in her car last week.  He could have just left it and let the engine seize up and then it would have been his fault.  He doesn’t think he is a bad father at all.  He said he works hard to support the family.  I’m just hard-hearted.

You know, even though I can’t remember everything he said, I do definitely remember the feeling of having the life sucked out of me.

I listened to a message yesterday about being humble, about using discernment to diffuse volatile situations.  So today I was so calm and so humble when I listened to him.  I was patient and compassionate.

He wasn’t compassionate at all.

After he left, I felt so absolutely drained.  I just cried and cried.  Why does it take so much out of me to be giving to him?

At least, it was nice to talk with my mom and my daughters today.

And I enjoyed working in my garden today.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Mother’s Day

  1. thenarcissistwrites says:

    He’s probably hurting. You gotta let him rant.

  2. Suzanne says:

    In the midst of the cat and mouse game we play, most of the time I feel like I’m in the trap. But, for this posting, I decided to force myself to focus on only the good. It’s not easy, but here it goes…

    For Mother’s Day I received an absolutely beautiful card from my husband, and I chose to relish the gorgeous colors of it — bursts of orange and flashy pink. I love it! My little guy gave me a very, very funny card describing how funny I am! Which, by the way, I can be very funny! He is my angel baby and he makes me laugh like crazy. Spent an hour talking to my daughter, who brings me great joy and peace! She is an outstanding human being, and I am honored to be her mom. My oldest son always teaches me something, and on Mother’s Day I was reminded how he takes life as it comes. Lord, help me to be more like that! The guys cooked me breakfast for dinner. It’s not necessarily my favorite meal, but it’s easy…even the clean-up. I know they can actually accomplish the whole cooking task, start to finish (even clean-up) without needing me, or thinking they need me. I was wise, I chose this meal so I could watch Netflix. My bacon, hashbrowns and apple (they made egg sandwiches too, but not my fav) were divine as I watched Season 4, Episode 11 of Grey’s Anatomy all by myself with my earbuds. Gosh, I love my alone time! And, lastly, together as a family we watched the movie Forrest Gump. My husband has practically every line memorized and so we promised the little guy he could see the movie for the first time. Our little guy’s favorite line: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” Now, ain’t that the truth!

    Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms!

  3. needtomakeachange says:

    Of course, leave it to your PAH to ruin Mother’s Day… why… could be because the attention was not centered around him, wonder how Father’s is for him… probably nothing much right?
    don’t listen to all that PA crap…. you know what’s right in your heart and you know you are not crazy, none of us here are.
    I’m going to wish you a belated Mother’s Day and to all of you ladies out there dealing with PAHs who are only another child, except these are really not loving adorable little kids as well all know. they are nothing more than men stucks in adolescent bodies and minds.
    Happy Mother’s Day to all of us.

  4. mourninglight says:

    Interestingly enough, I found my husband to escalate down some of his aloof mode (self-pity, resentment, withdrawal) as the holiday (supposedly for me) was coming to a close. He was nicer to me the morning after the actual day than he had been for a few days prior to that. Go figure.

    I get the life suckage feeling. It’s a battle for me to preserve enough energy to be a functional dysfunctional. I hear you.

  5. lonelywife07 says:

    My Mothers Day was spent riding in the cat with PA Man for 12 hours….in almost total silence. You can read about it on my blog if you want…But when I got home, my boys made my day special!
    I’m starting to see that my boys are really understanding what it’s like for me, being married to PA Man…they are more loving and caring than ever before!
    And that helps me as I deal with their father on a day to day basis, because I know I will have a wonderful relationship with them, and PA Man….not so much.

  6. Sue says:

    My husband has never acknowledged me as a Mother on Mother’s Day. I just cook for the other Mothers and celebrate them. I don’t count yet because my daughters aren’t Mothers . Or at least that must be how things work in his world. He grilled the meat and I did 4 loads of dishes and was nice to his Mother.

  7. Carly says:

    Just found your blog tonight.

    Mother’s day this year was the worst. . . husband wished me a happy mother’s day, and attempted to pounce on me in bed. . . and that was it. He did nothing to encourage daughter to do anything for me. She later admitted that she felt quite guilty about it, and we discussed what she could do next year.

    I knew he wasn’t going to do anything for me, so we all went to visit friends. I made a meal – my friend’s health is iffy. And I called my mother. I decided I was going to have a good day in spite of him, and I did.

    My husband is emotionally abusive, and passive aggression is just part of it. His behavior was more overtly aggressive for several years, but in mid-March this year he got “nicer” – which means that I am seeing way more passive aggressive behavior. I have been working with a counselor to develop better coping skills (it’s been 20 years, my husband is not going to change) – now that I am coping better with his overt aggression he’s switched tactics.

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