sobbing – praying – stupid me

So many mornings I wake up horribly depressed.  When this happens, I lie in bed and cry.  Usually as quietly as possible.

This morning was one of those mornings.

Only when I finally quit hitting the snooze button and sat up in bed, I wasn’t crying quietly.  I was sobbing.

My husband was on the other side of the room … praying.

Yes, on his knees, praying.

Good for him.  Oh righteous man.

But I wonder how he can talk to the Power of the Universe when his wife is sobbing in the same room with him.

How can he do that?  “Be warm and filled.”

Whatever.

Sometimes I think about suicide.  But I won’t do that to my daughters.

I wish there was a way I could just shut down.  I guess I kind of do anyway, except that I cry too much.  I wish I could just go numb, just go about the things I have to do and not even feel.  Think enough to get by, but just forget about love and life and peace and joy.  Just exist but not be.

Yes, I think about taking anti-depressants.

But mostly I just wonder what the point of my life is.

I used to know.  I was a pretty good mommy and I tried to be a pretty good wife.  I tried really, really, really hard.

But now… my daughters are grown.  It’s not that they don’t need me but it’s not the same as when they were little.

And the whole wife thing –

I guess I was just stupid.  Wishing for a Cinderella story.  Thinking that I could love someone and he could love me back and we could build a life together.

Stupid, stupid me.

I think that I still hope that there is a knight in shining armor out there coming to rescue me.  I know that is so lame.  I know it doesn’t work that way.   I know my brain is messed up.

But my heart still wants to love and be love.  And my body wants to make love.

I wish I could just shut down.  I wish I didn’t have to feel or have to care.

After I took my shower this morning, I went into the kitchen to make my lunch and my breakfast.  Every morning – or almost every morning – I start a load of his laundry.  His filthy, stinky laundry.

So I carry in his load of laundry this morning and he says, “good morning.”

Yeah.

Whatever.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to sobbing – praying – stupid me

  1. giorge thomas says:

    The moment you think another man is the answer to your problems is the moment you end up with a man just as bad as the one you’re with. Another man won’t fix things for you and it isn’t fair for anyone to deal with your own problems.

    Besides. You’ll only be able to be with someone else if you’re single.

    I think you know, deep down, the only way you’ll be able to find happiness. Whether or not you are brave enough to take that step is the question.

  2. Sofia Leo says:

    I agree with Giorge – you know the answer to all of your problems. Once you’ve taken that first step the rest is easy, and I say that with the Voice of Experience :-)

  3. mourninglight says:

    I was sobbing.
    My husband was on the other side of the room … praying…
    …But I wonder how he can talk to the Power of the Universe when his wife is sobbing in the same room with him.
    How can he do that? “Be warm and filled.”

    I don’t know ‘how’ he could possibly be okay with zero effort towards compassion, empathy, and the barest modicum of effort to appear that he cares, but I know what it feels like. There have been times that just the sight of him reading his Bible or praying makes me want to go into a crazed frenzy.

    I just want you to know that you’re not alone here. Not in what happened, and not in how you’re feeling. I plan to fight back by doing something for my own well-being today. I plan to fight to love me in some tangible way.

    http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com

  4. Seeing the Light says:

    I just want to say that mourninglight is right. You are not alone. I also want you to know that you have been helping me for a few months now. When you blog, and so many times you describe what is going on in your life and your home, you are also describing what is going on in my life and my home. Each time you are telling me that I am not alone. So thank you. You can’t know the impact you have had on strengthening my soul. It’s okay to wonder what the point of your life is. Just realize that your life has so much meaning in ways you may never know.

  5. needtomakeachange says:

    you poor dear… don’t you think you deserve someone’s love… YES YOU DO. but after everything that I’ve read about you, you will only allow yourself to do that once you’ve gone. Hope you get better soon.

  6. Jen says:

    I feel your pain sweetie. Sending hugs and prayers.

  7. choosetobehappy says:

    I think you need to see a medical doctor dear, you sound like your depression is getting a bit deeper, if you leave it you may get worse and it may be harder even after you decide to leave to get better mentally…. and your pah is completely dumb and cruel to just let you cry like that without any comfort whatsover and just praying… praying for what??!! his marriage, his wife, himself…. get up off the floor and help your wife, God waits for prayers, He would understand believe me. You are not stupid by the way, just very very hurt.

  8. lonelywife07 says:

    You have to remember….being PA he sees nothing wrong with how he is acting…YOU have the problem, so he can ignore you and keep on praying…because there is nothing wrong with him…Heck…he was probably praying FOR you!!
    I told my PA Man tonight that I’m not going to change, that I’m not going back to the woman I was before the affair….and it’s obvious he’s not going to change, so we need to just sit down and make plans to separate, that we can’t keep living this way any longer….That was five hours ago….I’m still waiting for a response!!!
    Passive.aggresives.are.sick.in.the.head!!

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