Today I felt so weary.
I have a decent job, but it isn’t challenging and I get bored and frustrated. I try not to think about it and just do what I’m supposed to do to the best of my ability. But it still gets to me some days. And, yes, at some point, if opportunities don’t open up to me where I am, I will look for a more fulfilling job.
And then, as you well know, my missing love life gets to me, too. I want to love and be loved and make love. So today, too, I was feeling weary about that. Again, trying not to focus on it, to just do what I have to do. But, still, it’s there.
And I’m tired. Tired from staying up late last night, trying to comfort my daughter while she was crying. Tired from working out hard at the gym. And just tired emotionally from life.
Tonight, as I was coming home, which I didn’t want to do, I was thinking, maybe I’ll try sharing some things with my husband. Maybe I will lie close to him in bed. Maybe I can find a little comfort from him somehow. Because all day today I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to be comforted.
I finally got home, after working a little late, going to the gym, going to the grocery store, two grocery stores. At the second grocery store, I saw the wife of the One who Sometimes Winks at me. She knows I work the same place as her husband and we talked for a few minutes.
Anyhow, I finally got home, feeling just exhausted. I started dinner and my husband came home. He started telling me about how bad his mom is feeling. (She has bone cancer and other health problems. She’s going downhill.) I know this is hard on him. I listened and tried to be sympathetic. Of course, some of what he says doesn’t make sense – like, “she went to the doctor today but he wouldn’t see her.” So I asked him if she had an appointment. She did, but it was to have some shots, not to actually see the doctor. But the way he said it, it sounded like she had an appointment to see the doctor, but he refused to keep the appointment. It wasn’t like that at all. Anyhow, like I said, I listened and tried to be sympathetic. I know this is hard for him.
Then he said, “My mom said that even though she never sees you and [our daughter], it comforts her to know that you are here.” And then he left the room.
Yes, I rarely visit his mom. Yes, my daughter never visits her. For me not to visit, there probably is no excuse. For my daughter, whether or not it is valid, because of him, she wants nothing to do with his family. So, yes, maybe he has a point in hating me for not visiting his mom very much.
But, honestly, this evening, it hurt so much to have that flung at me. So often I feel like I am barely keeping myself together, and trying to keep my daughter together, that there is not much more I can handle. He is always jolly and in good spirits, no matter how much I am struggling.
Tonight, I needed comfort, but it seemed he needed it more, so I listened to him talk about his mom. I hope he got his pleasure flinging that dart at me. I cried. He wasn’t there, but I cried. I didn’t even know what to think. I am so tired. I’m trying to do the best I can. But I am probably doing most of it wrong anyway. Each day seems like such a struggle.
(Oh, now he’s sitting in bed, laughing at something he’s reading on his iPhone!)
Anyhow, I need to go take my shower so I can go to bed.
One very cool thing happened today, though, and I want to share it with you.
There is a personal trainer at the gym where I go. He is also a competition coach. He is extremely well known as a figure and bodybuilding competition coach and he often has clients in the gym that he is coaching for events. Since I am in the gym twice a day, and he is there even more than I am, he sees me almost everyday. Today, he had finished with the lady he was coaching and he was walking towards the door. As he passed me, he said, it looks like you’ve lost some weight. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was that – 1) – he noticed! and – 2) – he actually said something!
You should see the people he coaches! Their bodies are amazing. As I was beginning my workout today, I was thinking, you know, I’m proud of the progress I’m making and then I see some of the ladies’ he is coaching and I feel like scum. I know that is not a fair comparison; I’m not trying to be a competitor. Just to be healthy and trim and strong. But still …
Anyhow, it was pretty awesome that he noticed AND he said something!