weary today

Today I felt so weary.

I have a decent job, but it isn’t challenging and I get bored and frustrated.  I try not to think about it and just do what I’m supposed to do to the best of my ability.  But it still gets to me some days.  And, yes, at some point, if opportunities don’t open up to me where I am, I will look for a more fulfilling job.

And then, as you well know, my missing love life gets to me, too.  I want to love and be loved and make love.  So today, too, I was feeling weary about that.  Again, trying not to focus on it, to just do what I have to do.  But, still, it’s there.

And I’m tired.  Tired from staying up late last night, trying to comfort my daughter while she was crying.  Tired from working out hard at the gym.  And just tired emotionally from life.

Tonight, as I was coming home, which I didn’t want to do, I was thinking, maybe I’ll try sharing some things with my husband.  Maybe I will lie close to him in bed.  Maybe I can find a little comfort from him somehow.  Because all day today I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to be comforted.

I finally got home, after working a little late, going to the gym, going to the grocery store, two grocery stores.  At the second grocery store, I saw the wife of the One who Sometimes Winks at me.  She knows I work the same place as her husband and we talked for a few minutes.

Anyhow, I finally got home, feeling just exhausted.  I started dinner and my husband came home.  He started telling me about how bad his mom is feeling.  (She has bone cancer and other health problems.  She’s going downhill.)  I know this is hard on him.  I listened and tried to be sympathetic.  Of course, some of what he says doesn’t make sense – like, “she went to the doctor today but he wouldn’t see her.”   So I asked him if she had an appointment.  She did, but it was to have some shots, not to actually see the doctor.  But the way he said it, it sounded like she had an appointment to see the doctor, but he refused to keep the appointment.  It wasn’t like that at all.  Anyhow, like I said, I listened and tried to be sympathetic.  I know this is hard for him.

Then he said, “My mom said that even though she never sees you and [our daughter], it comforts her to know that you are here.”  And then he left the room.

Yes, I rarely visit his mom.  Yes, my daughter never visits her.  For me not to visit, there probably is no excuse.  For my daughter, whether or not it is valid, because of him, she wants nothing to do with his family.  So, yes, maybe he has a point in hating me for not visiting his mom very much.

But, honestly, this evening, it hurt so much to have that flung at me.  So often I feel like I am barely keeping myself together, and trying to keep my daughter together, that there is not much more I can handle.  He is always jolly and in good spirits, no matter how much I am struggling.

Tonight, I needed comfort, but it seemed he needed it more, so I listened to him talk about his mom.  I hope he got his pleasure flinging that dart at me.   I cried.  He wasn’t there, but I cried.  I didn’t even know what to think.  I am so tired.  I’m trying to do the best I can.  But I am probably doing most of it wrong anyway.  Each day seems like such a struggle.

(Oh, now he’s sitting in bed, laughing at something he’s reading on his iPhone!)

Anyhow, I need to go take my shower so I can go to bed.

One very cool thing happened today, though, and I want to share it with you.

There is a personal trainer at the gym where I go.  He is also a competition coach.  He is extremely well known as a figure and bodybuilding competition coach and he often has clients in the gym that he is coaching for events.  Since I am in the gym twice a day, and he is there even more than I am, he sees me almost everyday.  Today, he had finished with the lady he was coaching and he was walking towards the door.  As he passed me, he said, it looks like you’ve lost some weight.  I cannot tell you how thrilled I was that – 1) – he noticed! and – 2) – he actually said something!

You should see the people he coaches! Their bodies are amazing.  As I was beginning my workout today, I was thinking, you know, I’m proud of the progress I’m making and then I see some of the ladies’ he is coaching and I feel like scum.  I know that is not a fair comparison; I’m not trying to be a competitor.  Just to be healthy and trim and strong.  But still …

Anyhow, it was pretty awesome that he noticed AND he said something!

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to weary today

  1. wornout says:

    I just wanted to thank you for your posts. I kind of feel like you have been an answer to my prayers. I was so desperate for someone who would understand what I am going through, I even looked on line to see if I could find a support group or something in my area. And then I stumbled on to your blog. It seems like we are at the same stage with our passive aggressive husbands and marriages. Completely worn out, done. I wake up every day and can’t believe that I have to face another day living in this kind of existence. I look forward to your posts and check everyday for updates. Thank you for taking the time to write, it is such a comforting feeling to know that I am not alone, that there are others going through the same struggle. And what a struggle it is. I am so proud of us that we are even able to get up every day and keep facing life. Somehow, someway, I have to keep believing that we will have the chance to know what a real relationship is and what real love is. I pray for you and all of us struggling out there with this. P.S. Good job at the gym, that’s awesome!

  2. seriously says:

    You poor thing, it’s obvious that he’s transferring his negative energy over to you and you scoop it up with a shovel. It’s ok to listen to him but you must get rid of it as soon as you’ve heard him, only for your own sanity. This is a typical pa tactic, they have to make themselves feel better so they will tell you their problems, then jab you with something to boost themselves up. Then their energy has shifted and they are in a great mood (he was laughing after wasn’t he) and you’re feeling rotten. It worked like magic on you.

    As far as visiting his mother, you could always go without him and bring your daughter. Otherwise you may regret not making the effort after she’s gone and he will for sure, make you pay for it and your daughter too.

    Congrats on losing weight :) that’s awesome and I’m proud of you!!

  3. WritesinPJ's says:

    Ugh, that negative energy! I told my husband once that it felt like this black goo entered the room and slimed me. It leaves me feeling much like he walked by, leaned over to vomit on me, then walked away whistling because it felt better. Somehow, it’s not just that he wants love and caring and empathy and support to talk out negative emotions; no, he needs to actually sneakily barf them on me. It’s when I’m diminished or lessened or negated or invalidated or shrunken somehow that seems to give him the boost he needs.

    I encourage you also to visit his mother. It may be therapeutic and cathartic. You can exercise proactive grace, even though you’ve received little to none from that family. Your daughter is so young, she may not fully yet see that not visiting her grandmother is the kind of choice you really live with from then on. I hope she reconsiders.

    I think all your work at the gym is amazing! I have a couple kids that are personal trainers (far away), but I’m still a couch potato. I hope one day soon to be able to follow your example!
    Go, You!

  4. All Compounded Things are Impermanent. Seek Out the Wisdom Of Pema Chodron, Audio Is Very Soothing and Healthful/Helpful. You are Clearly Stressed. You ARE Holding things together and in this Hectic World, That You are taking Time to go to the Gym and Support your General Health/Stress is Great. Mind Training can help Everything Get Better. KEEP WORKING OUT!!! I think it is Great For You!!

  5. Seeing the Light says:

    As I was reading your post, I got to the following part and my radar screen lit up. “Tonight, as I was coming home, which I didn’t want to do, I was thinking, maybe I’ll try sharing some things with my husband. Maybe I will lie close to him in bed. Maybe I can find a little comfort from him somehow.” I thought, oh no, be careful. Don’t let your guard down. I know it’s hard to see a warm body there and accept that there isn’t a warm heart inside to match. But it’s like going back to a dry well – or worse yet, a contaminated well – for water, because you are so thirsty and you haven’t access to any other wells. But however hard you try you can’t get water from a dry well – it just isn’t there – and you will expend precious energy digging. If we go the contaminated route (more accurate, I think), you not only don’t satisfy your thirst, it tastes really bad and you end up poisoned. I do hear your aching desire for love. I am so sorry.

    I’m so glad to see you end on such a positive note. How wonderful! Way to go! I need to make some progress on this front as well. Enough said there.

  6. givemeaboxofchocolates says:

    Great job on losing the weight! Awesome! Hoping you get some happiness. Difficult when dealing with PA’s. But, you can do it! Today, I’m working overtime at dreaming happy thoughts. I’ve got a weekend trip planned with you know who, Lord, let the sun shine on my black cloud :)

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