He gave me grocery money.

He made dinner.

He brought in the groceries when I came home.

He bought a fan book for me that he thought I would like about my favorite TV show.

He offered to put liniment on my sore ankle for me?

Why can’t this be enough?

I was asking myself this – why can’t this be enough – when the following took place.

A little background….

He signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime because he wanted to watch a movie for free.

I have wanted to buy “The Grief Recovery Handbook” for my older daughter.  (I already gave a copy to my younger daughter.)

Since he had free shipping with Amazon Prime, I asked him to order the book for me.

My older daughter, who lives in another state, will be here tomorrow and the book arrived today.  This is exactly what I wanted to happen – I could give it to her while she was here and I wouldn’t have to pay to ship it to her.  (Not that that would be terrible, but if I can save a few dollars….)

Only the book arrived bent, creased.  Since it is supposed to be a new book that we are paying for from Amazon, I would expect that it would look like a new book and not a tattered used book.

I asked him if we could order another copy tonight – the idea being that the book would arrive in 2 – 3 days and I could still give it to my daughter before she went home.  And then we could return the creased book in a separate transaction.

Well, he did the paperwork with Amazon for me to ship back the creased book.

But he didn’t order a new book from Amazon using Amazon Prime, where we would get free 2 day shipping.

He ordered a new book from another seller on Amazon – and not the 2-day shipping.

While I was trying to explain what I wanted, because obviously he had not understood what I wanted the first time I said it, he pushed the “buy” button so it didn’t really matter what I was trying to explain to him.

Okay – so maybe the book will get here in time.  Maybe it will be in lovely condition.  Maybe everything will all work out fine and dandy.

But, in the meantime, I am left feeling “not heard” by my husband, left feeling crazy that I would want to be heard.

And that is why the kind actions are not enough.

There isn’t the heart behind the actions to hear and understand and give what I am asking for.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to enough?

  1. “I am left feeling ‘not heard’ by my husband, left feeling crazy that I would want to be heard.”
    Oh, you’ve summed it up so well! Yes, I’m the crazy one, because I think he should hear me, should talk to me, should do nice things and be nice to me.

  2. GainingStrength says:

    “There isn’t the heart behind the actions.” This is what is missing in all our marriages. They DO things to SHOW what great guys they are, but it is SO EASY to see and feel they are just doing whatever they’re doing to get their way. I sympathize with you, once you catch on to their games (ways/war call it what you like) the crazy-making gets exhausting.

  3. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    Trust. Isn’t it about the trust? How can you trust someone that repeatedly reels you in, then just about the time you begin feeling a little guilty, and start to reconsider him and the relationship, he abruptly throws you back to sea?

    • newshoes123 says:

      yeah…. i’ve been there many many times. I think ok, just one more try maybe this is the time when things will really be alright…. and then, wham, he does something to hurt me. Every time. I’ve been a sucker long enough I figure, so no, it’s not enough.

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