I feel angry and frustrated.
I felt that way even before I came home.
When I was at the gym after work, I was thinking about my marriage and how I wished I could just go home and be held.
Of course, it doesn’t quite work that way around here and I started to feel angry and frustrated about it.
Angry – because it has gone on for so long, because it has been such a waste of time and energy.
And frustrated – because it has gone on for so long. Yes, I just repeated myself. And frustrated because I don’t feel like I can leave yet. And yet, every day that I haven’t left is another day that I haven’t left.
When I got home, my husband wasn’t here. Good.
My older daughter is home for a few days, so it was nice to see her along with my younger daughter when I got home. They arrived home last night.
I had made dinner in the crock pot so it was ready.
We were getting our food and my oldest one sat down at the table to wait for the other two of us. My younger daughter got food, but didn’t want to sit and eat with us. She said that she felt guilty about not wanting to sit with her two favorite people in the world, but that she was afraid that the small talk would make her angry. So she elected to go into her room to watch a movie.
I sat down with my older daughter … and my husband came home.
So my older daughter went to watch the movie with my younger daughter.
Then I felt even more angry and frustrated. Too angry and frustrated.
Maybe you are asking why I didn’t go watch the movie, too.
I’m not sure. Maybe it is kind of like my younger daughter saying that she was afraid the small talk would make her mad. I would sit there with them and watch a movie I’d seen before. It’s not that I wouldn’t mind seeing the movie again, but I know I would find myself resenting the whole situation.
My husband had already eaten; I think he didn’t like what I made for dinner. He said he had to leave again.
By this time, my daughters were into the movie, so I ate by myself, and then stuffed down my feelings with a bowl of ice cream.
I can’t even process all that I am thinking and feeling right now. This post is a feeble attempt to somehow let off a little steam so I don’t completely explode.
And now I will work on my homework for my class and tell myself that somehow some way, things won’t always be like this.
My husband will be gone off and on most of the week-end so hopefully I’ll get to spend more time with my daughters without him here.
Maybe this post doesn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t know. It just is what it is.
“I wish I could just go home and be held.”