I’m tired and depressed tonight, so please forgive this post. But I need to “talk.”
You are my shoulder to cry on tonight.
You, should you chose to do so, get to listen to my pity party.
I hate that there is nothing. I hate that I cry so much. I hate that I find so little joy in life anymore. I hate that I am stuck and can’t seem to get out.
I feel so frustrated in my job. It’s not fulfilling to me. I really, truly am trying to do a good job at work but I still feel so often like I am failing.
I had my annual review yesterday. I hate those. They are so stupid. Of course, my boss said the good things that I do but I feel wretched that I am never good enough. And then I feel like I am about 2 years old and getting into trouble. (It’s called regression.) But I have to put on a brave face and try to do even better only to be told again next year that I wasn’t good enough. Of course, my boss doesn’t look at it this way and good for her. Whatever. I know this paragraph might sound like I got a bad review; I didn’t. It’s just me being wounded. It’s all the old voices of coming home with a B and my dad wanting to know why it wasn’t an A and coming home with an A and my dad wanting to know why it wasn’t an A+. Never good enough. I hate those old records. I try to talk myself out of them, but they are stuck very deeply.
I hate wanting to love and to be loved. I hate that so much! I feel so stupid, so very, very stupid for wanting that. I feel so messed up and worthless.
And sometimes, too often, I find myself thinking that maybe I couldn’t get along with anybody, that I would ruin any relationship that I was in, that I am not good enough to loved, that I am too hard to love, that nobody would actually want me and be able to live with me.
I hate it that I cry so much. I don’t want that. I don’t know how much is hormonal, how much is “stress,” how much is the chemical malfunction that is depression, how much of it is negative thought patterns. Sometimes I think about drugs (medication) but I’m scared to that. I am going to start using St. John’s Wort again. Sometimes I’m just too tired to deal with anything. At least I made it through the day, the work day, without crying. I cried most of the way home, though. I didn’t get enough sleep last night and on top of the annual review and just … everything.
You know what else I hate? Do you know what I look forward to most each day? Breakfast. You know why? Because I eat chocolate chips. Isn’t that pathetic? You want to know what I eat for breakfast? Coconut flakes. Chia seeds. Flax seed meal. All very healthy. And chocolate chips. I will find myself comforting myself during the day by reminding myself that I can eat breakfast again the next morning and have my chocolate chips.
There is a book I need to write about called, “When Food is Love.” I have my chocolate, but I don’t have my relationships. It makes me so sad that I am so screwed up.
Well, I should go take my shower so I can go to bed and see if I can get enough sleep tonight.
Oh, and I got a thirty-one cent raise. This will probably sound really ungrateful, but I feel like it is just a token. Please don’t think that I believe that I deserve some huge raise or anything; it’s not that at all. And I am glad that at least my employer does give raises. But it still feels like a token, a symbolic gesture. It’s like barely more than ten dollars a week. Whoo-hoo. Again, please forgive me – I don’t mean to sound like a terrible person. I am just feeling really discouraged about everything tonight.
There is one part of my job at work that I am behind in. It’s paperwork stuff. Well, I am behind because I was busting my butt to get ready for an audit and that was the priority. And now I am being chided because I’ve not gotten caught up on the other stuff. I feel so frustrated. I do my best, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day and I get in trouble if I work even one minute over-time. Anyhow, I am praying that I will, somehow, get caught up on this paperwork. And my printer hasn’t been working right, so tomorrow the printer repairman will come work on it for me, but while he is working on it, I won’t be able to use it to print what I need to print to get caught up. Ugh!
Maybe somehow it will all work out.
Maybe somehow tomorrow will be better.