gotta “talk”…

I’m tired and depressed tonight, so please forgive this post.  But I need to “talk.”

You are my shoulder to cry on tonight.

You, should you chose to do so, get to listen to my pity party.

I hate that there is nothing.  I hate that I cry so much.  I hate that I find so little joy in life anymore.  I hate that I am stuck and can’t seem to get out.

I feel so frustrated in my job.  It’s not fulfilling to me.  I really, truly am trying to do a good job at work but I still feel so often like I am failing.

I had my annual review yesterday.  I hate those.  They are so stupid.  Of course, my boss said the good things that I do but I feel wretched that I am never good enough.   And then I feel like I am about 2 years old and getting into trouble.  (It’s called regression.)  But I have to put on a brave face and try to do even better only to be told again next year that I wasn’t good enough.   Of course, my boss doesn’t look at it this way and good for her.  Whatever.  I know this paragraph might sound like I got a bad review; I didn’t.  It’s just me being wounded.  It’s all the old voices of coming home with a B and my dad wanting to know why it wasn’t an A and coming home with an A and my dad wanting to know why it wasn’t an A+.  Never good enough.  I hate those old records.  I try to talk myself out of them, but they are stuck very deeply.

I hate wanting to love and to be loved.  I hate that so much!  I feel so stupid, so very, very stupid for wanting that.  I feel so messed up and worthless.

And sometimes, too often, I find myself thinking that maybe I couldn’t get along with anybody, that I would ruin any relationship that I was in, that I am not good enough to loved, that I am too hard to love, that nobody would actually want me and be able to live with me.

I hate it that I cry so much.  I don’t want that.  I don’t know how much is hormonal, how much is “stress,”  how much is the chemical malfunction that is depression, how much of it is negative thought patterns.  Sometimes I think about drugs (medication) but I’m scared to that.  I am going to start using St. John’s Wort again.  Sometimes I’m just too tired to deal with anything.  At least I made it through the day, the work day, without crying.  I cried most of the way home, though.  I didn’t get enough sleep last night and on top of the annual review and just … everything.

You know what else I hate?  Do you know what I look forward to most each day?  Breakfast.  You know why?  Because I eat chocolate chips.  Isn’t that pathetic?  You want to know what I eat for breakfast?  Coconut flakes.  Chia seeds.  Flax seed meal.  All very healthy.  And chocolate chips.   I will find myself comforting myself during the day by reminding myself that I can eat breakfast again the next morning and have my chocolate chips.

There is a book I need to write about called, “When Food is Love.”  I have my chocolate, but I don’t have my relationships.  It makes me so sad that I am so screwed up.

Well, I should go take my shower so I can go to bed and see if I can get enough sleep tonight.

Oh, and I got a thirty-one cent raise.  This will probably sound really ungrateful, but I feel like it is just a token.  Please don’t think that I believe that I deserve some huge raise or anything; it’s not that at all.  And I am glad that at least my employer does give raises.  But it still feels like a token, a symbolic gesture.  It’s like barely more than ten dollars a week.   Whoo-hoo.  Again, please forgive me – I don’t mean to sound like a terrible person.  I am just feeling really discouraged about everything tonight.

There is one part of my job at work that I am behind in.  It’s paperwork stuff.  Well, I am behind because I was busting my butt to get ready for an audit and that was the priority.  And now I am being chided because I’ve not gotten caught up on the other stuff.  I feel so frustrated.  I do my best, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day and I get in trouble if I work even one minute over-time.  Anyhow, I am praying that I will, somehow, get caught up on this paperwork.  And my printer hasn’t been working right, so tomorrow the printer repairman will come work on it for me, but while he is working on it, I won’t be able to use it to print what I need to print to get caught up.  Ugh!

Maybe somehow it will all work out.

Maybe somehow tomorrow will be better.

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5 Responses to gotta “talk”…

  1. I’m so sorry. I listened. I will be praying that Christ fills your emptiness with the love and truth only He can provide. If you ever need to talk, come over to my blog and leave me a note or email me. I know we don’t know each other but I understand for I’ve been there. Praying. Love in Christ, Anna

  2. wornout says:

    Oh darnit, I am so sad to hear that you are struggling. :( Please know that you are thought about and cared about. And you are good enough and deserving of love! I know exactly how you are feeling with everything, and sometimes it all seems so impossible, but always remember your value, and that you are not the one with the problem. I was thinking the other day how fasinating and sad it is, in all of our cases, the impact one person can have on those around them. PA husbands in a way ruin the lives of those around them. Did you read PJs post about how we keep trying to fill our buckets and they keep punching holes in them. That’s totally how it is, huh, and it’s so so exhausting. Don’t loose hope. I really believe that God has an extra soft spot for those of us who are going through this. I know he’s helping us, even when it doesn’t seem like it and we feel so alone. And I know what you mean about the chocolates being the only thing to look forward to. :) For me, I look forward to being able to go to sleep because I can have a little break from this awful way of living. It’s all so sad, isn’t it. But remember, it’s not you. You are a smart, giving, great person who deserves so much more, and I hope one day you get it. :) And good luck at work, I hope the copier gets fixed quickly and you can get everything done. :) Remember you’re not alone, we’re all in this together :)

  3. WritesinPJ's says:

    You are definitely not alone. If only our appreciation for who you are, and for how you give to us here could be given to you in a more tangible way. Maybe this is your real ‘job’, but it would be great if the one attached to your paycheck was something you enjoyed more or got more satisfaction from.

    I don’t know the answer for you, but I do know that I hope you find a way (even if it’s viewed as temporary) for you to find space away from living with the man who is treating you in ways that vacillate from lukewarm to resentful to occupying the same house. I hope that there is a miracle: either he changes (heart change), or you are free from his lack of love.

    You do deserve more.

    I’d already started writing something before I read your post, and will try to post it soon. It was so similar to your question above: “And sometimes, too often, I find myself thinking that maybe I couldn’t get along with anybody, that I would ruin any relationship that I was in, that I am not good enough to loved, that I am too hard to love, that nobody would actually want me and be able to live with me.”

    Maybe it’s the season/weather? You reminded me that I should start taking St. John’s wort again.

  4. GainingStrength says:

    Being unsure is a scary place to be. I’m emotionally eating now, too. I know it, but I won’t stop it. You’re in a very difficult phase of the abuse. You want to leave, but…. It’s the but that holds you back. But he’ll change, but I’ll be alone, but I’m afraid, but I don’t think I can make it. The buts go on. In the end you’ll have enough and won’t care if it bites you in the butt. :D You’re outta there.

    Stay strong and know most of us have or will be where you are. Consider it another step towards freedom. The path of freedom from these abusers are filled with emotional landmines. Trying to navigate it without pain is useless, there will always be pain with these abusers. Instead turn around and walk out of the mine field. Don’t consider it a failure, consider it common sense.

  5. newshoes123 says:

    Sweetheart, you know that you are not stupid or unworthy of love. In fact, you are an incredibly brave woman telling your story. You helped me (along with some friends and a therapist) to get myself strong enough to leave!! I found you and then I found others like us and I’ve been working hard on untangling myself from my abuser. It worked, because of you and other bloggers and my friends and my therapist. I feel the same as you do still sometimes that I am not worthy of love but I know in my hearts of hearts and in my mind that I am, we all are!! The first person you need to love is yourself dear, no one else can love you if you don’t love you. Go back to therapy and work on that, just that alone may be enough to push you out the door. Because once you do love yourself, nothing will stop you!! Go for it!!

    It’s difficult to do at first because of the messages we’ve heard for so long telling us we aren’t but believe me it works, I do know myself now, what I like what I don’t, what makes me happy and what doesn’t and in doing this I discovered I’m a pretty nice chick and I have lots of affection to give to someone (when the time is right) and someone would be very lucky to have me!!!

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