First I want to thank you for the so very encouraging comments I received on yesterday’s post. Your comments – on that post and on all of my posts – mean so very, very much to me. I know I don’t usually respond to comments, but please believe me that what you write to me means an incredible lot to me. You cheer me and warm my heart. Sometimes you make me cry, but only because of your caring. Thank you.
Today did go better. I made some pretty good progress on the paperwork that I need to get caught up on and my printer got fixed – while I was at lunch! – so that worked out well. And I didn’t cry at work today.
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One of the businesses on the first floor of the office building that I work in is a real estate company. One morning a couple of weeks ago, one of the real estate agents was in the lobby soliciting business – taking business cards for a drawing, asking people if they might be selling or buying or if they knew anyone who might be selling or buying. I stopped and told him that I might be looking for a place to rent, so he said to write down my name and phone number and make a note that I was looking for a place to rent.
I did, but I didn’t hear from him -until this week.
He called me on Wednesday and I told him briefly that I was thinking about leaving my husband and that I sometimes look for places to rent, but that everything is too expensive. I thought a real estate agent might know of a back house or garage apartment or something like that for rent that wouldn’t be advertised on craigslist or Trulia or anything like that.
Well, he told me that he was also a pastor and asked me if I was in physical danger. I told him, no, but then he talked with me a little and offered to counsel my husband and me to see if he could help our marriage. I told him that I had been wondering about asking my husband again about counseling, but I felt that it hadn’t done any good in the past and that I didn’t know about spending the time and money to try again. He encouraged me to ask my husband if he would consider counseling, whether with him or with someone else. He said to take my husband out on a date and ask him about it.
So tonight we went to a hamburger joint that my husband went to last week and liked. (It wasn’t what I expected, but it was okay. Somehow, I thought it was going to be “nicer,” but that was probably my misunderstanding from how he was describing it to me. But it wasn’t bad or anything. Just different from what I had expected.)
I told my husband that I met a realtor in the office building and we got to talking and it turns out he is a pastor, etc,…. I didn’t say anything about looking for an apartment. I asked my husband if he would be interested in counseling with this man.
I didn’t expect him to, but my husband said, yes.
You know, one thing I like about going out with my husband after work is that we meet at the restaurant. Which means I get to drive home by myself.
Driving home, I felt so, so, so wretched and miserable.
I don’t want to counsel. I don’t want things to “get better.” I felt this horrible sinking feeling that if we go to counseling that I will have to stay with him. It was an awful, hopeless feeling. I wanted to die.
Maybe, though, I need to know one last time whether or not there is any chance that things could be any different. I don’t know.
I don’t know why I am doing this. Maybe it is because I feel guilty that I want to leave.
I can have chocolate chips for breakfast…