“A Cry for Justice”

Recently, through some of my readers, I have become aware of the website “A Cry for Justice.”

Whenever I read things posted on that site, I start feeling really shaky and really scared and almost tearful.  I don’t know why and I can’t really describe it.

While the title of my blog is “Passive Aggressive Abuse,” I often feel it isn’t fair to compare what I go through to those in truly horrible abusive situations – physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and much stronger emotional abuse.

And yet when I read the emotional reactions and thought processes of women in abusive situations, I realize that my emotions and thought processes are very similar.

It scares me that my responses are the same.  I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m not sure what I am trying to say here.  Maybe I’m just trying to sort out my thoughts.

I really, really, really appreciate the definition of abuse that is given on “A Cry for Justice“:

Very few people know what abuse really is, though everyone seems quite ready to give advice to its victims. If you believe that abuse is physical battering, you have some learning to do.

Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself* as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.

While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.

Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim’s person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.

* Sometimes the genders are reversed.

And I find that the “Abuse Cycle” chart, again on “A Cry for Justice,” often fits with passive aggressive behavior as well.

 

Abuse Cycle

 

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to “A Cry for Justice”

  1. PAA-

    My husband was very passive aggressive. He stonewalled me in textbook fashion. If I tried to talk about emotions or money he would just refuse to respond. Oh, that was so damaging to me. In three years I went from a confident woman to a wife who couldn’t stop feeling like a piece of furniture to her husband.

    When I realized, after my husband left, that what he had done was abuse, I was completely floored. He seemed like this perfect guy to everyone else, but he was PA to me and so I had thought I was doing something wrong to cause it.

    Twice in the last year of marriage I had self-harming incidents; my son developed OCD. He was creating a toxic environment that was making us mentally ill.

    I hear your pain when I read your posts. The emotional pain inflicted by PA is every bit as serious as the physical pain caused by fists.

    Coming to terms with the truth of our husband’s hurtful treatment is very hard. Sometimes it feels easier to stay in the fog, where we live in a perpetual state of forgiveness toward our unrepentant husbands, than to realize that our husbands are deliberately treating us badly.

    Take your time with it, but I really encourage you to continue reading cryingoutforjustice.com. I truly believe you will derive great comfort from learning what the Bible says about abuse and what God desires for us.

    I am praying for you.

    In Christ’s Love

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Marriedtohyde…My youngest son also developed OCD in the last year…he was 13 1/2 when it started…6 months of therapy and he’s doing better, but the therapist said this will always be with him..for life!
      PA Man refuses to acknowledge that HIS affair and PA behavior afterwards is the cause of the anxiety and OCD…but I know it is!
      My son was a happy kid, full of faith in God, when we found out about the affair…and he went downhill from there! He was 11 then…and when I told my boys about the affair, as I packed so we could leave, my son started praying out loud…asking God to heal our family…my then 15 yr old started sobbing, putting his hands over his face and saying , “No, No, NO!!”
      And my PA husband stood there, saying nothing….as his family fell apart right in front of him.

      Toxic environment….ohhh yes! And I blame myself for staying as long as I have. I’m now making plans to separate even though my husband starts counseling this week…I’ve lost all hope that it will do any good, but he says he’s “serious” this time about counseling….we shall see.

      • Wow, lonelywife07, our son’s experiences with OCD are oddly similar in age and timeline. My son has also recovered, but there have been a few weeks where he started to relapse recently, but he overrode the urge to give in. My son seems to need constant reassurance that things are clean/edible/prepared properly. It makes my heart ache because I too experienced mild OCD as a young teen when my parents marriage was rocky and I remember the obsessive worrying. My son’s therapist said that children will often act out the unspoken, undealt with tension in the household–it is an attempt to deal with all that negative energy.

        Oh…my heart goes out to you and your boys. Your older son’s reaction to leaving was exactly what I did when my mom attempted to leave her marriage the first time. I’m crying right now at the thought of what you all have been through. How hard-hearted can these men be???

  2. AlonewithGod says:

    marriedtohyde-I like how you said that its easier to stay in the fog; in a perpetual state of forgiveness toward the unrepentant husband. Exactly right!
    It was very devastating to realize my ex deliberately treated me badly. I believed the myths about abusers – bad childhood, drinking makes his anger worse, poor self-esteem, etc. He SAID he loved me, right? Lies, years of lies.
    In my experience, the hardened heart gets harder with age. My ex stopped drinking, but he didn’t change. He managed to stay sober for a few months and I let my guard down. It was just a very long period of tension-building. The explosion was massive when it came. He walked out of my life, threw away everything, abandoned his home and marriage, and moved in with another woman. Someone he’d been cheating with – a new supply – caretaker.
    He is still trying to hurt me, but I have gone no-contact. As the yrs went by, his behavior worsened. He blamed everything on me; brought up negative experiences from 20 yrs ago, blaming me for stuff I had long since forgotten. He is in the utterly hopeless category of abusers.
    Some can and do change, but it takes yrs of work. Their thinking must change and my ex was too lazy and egotistical to put in that much effort.
    I am grieved for the children of these awful men. Thank God for you moms who are able to help control the damage. I am so much better off with ex gone. God is bringing new life into my world.

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