a lesson for me to learn

I’ve been taking a online class.

Several months ago, my supervisor at work asked me if I wanted to take this class and the company has payed for it.  (It is NOT a cheap class!)

The class is the basics of the industry in which I work and I have learned a lot.  Although I’m not really interested in this industry, I do like learning about different things.

This class has been kind of hard for several reasons.  One is simply the amount of time it has taken because it is actually pretty intense.  Another thing that has made it a little hard is that I am not really interested in this industry.  So while it has been interesting to learn about, I’m not really excited about it like I might be some other topic.  I hope that makes sense!

And the third reason why it has been hard is just me.  I’ve been a perfectionist most of my life although I am not as much so now as I used to be.  And, therefore, anything less than 100 percent is simply not acceptable.  So I have put much more pressure on myself than really was necessary.  Even if I failed the class but learned something, it would be okay.  This class is not for a degree or anything.  It is just to learn.  It really doesn’t matter to anybody how well I do.  But I’ve made myself crazy over it sometimes.

For the most part, I have gotten 100’s on the assignments.  There have been a few where I haven’t, but I do have an “A” in the class.  But even if I didn’t, it would be okay!!!

Assignments are always due by Sunday midnight, and since I also tend to be a procrastinator, I often find myself doing my assignments at the last minute.

The final is this coming week and I wanted to get this past week’s assignment done before the week-end so I could use the week-end to start studying for the final.

And I did get my assignments done by Thursday!  There is always a quiz and a vocabulary quiz.  There is also at least one, and usually two, written assignments.  I did the quiz.  I did the vocabulary quiz.  I wrote both of the written assignments and felt good about them.  I posted the first assignment, knowing I aced it.  I posted the second assignment…

And then I read what someone else had posted for the same assignment.  I felt horrible!  I realized I had done mine wrong!  I had misread one part of what the assignment had asked for.  I felt wretched!  Even though I now knew what else I was supposed to look for and could do that, if I posted again, it would look like I was cheating.  But if I didn’t have this part of the assignment, I would surely get a low grade on the assignment.  I could find the answer I needed, but how could I post it to show that I had researched the answer without it looking like I just read the answer off of somebody else’s assignment?

I had posted my answer about mid-afternoon on Thursday.  For the rest of the day, I felt just sick about it.  I even cried at work about it, although, thankfully, nobody saw me.   At the gym, at home, I tried to figure out what to do.  I felt miserable.

I woke up Friday morning with that sinking feeling in my stomach – you know the one you get when you dread something.   And I already have enough trouble waking up depressed!

I took my shower, got my breakfast, turned on my laptop and logged into my email.

The instructor had already graded my assignment.  Great, I thought.  No way now to try to redeem myself.

But….

…. I got 100!

I had given the exact right answer that he was looking for!  I couldn’t believe it!

So then I felt really, really, really stupid for wasting all that time and energy worrying about my “supposed” wrong answer.

I worry too much and it is my hope that by sharing this story it will help me to remember to not worry so much!!!  Because it really does no good.  It doesn’t change anything.  It just makes me miserable.

I found this and have now posted it both by my desk at work and on my vanity mirror at home.  Maybe it will somehow help me to let go…..

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to a lesson for me to learn

  1. WritesinPJ's says:

    Trust me that on this post, I’m laughing with you and not at you!

  2. GainingStrength says:

    I am a worrier, too. I know that it doesn’t help anything to worry, but I worry. Like you I wanted to do everything exactly right. I have finally allowed myself to let it go…mostly. It doesn’t have to be just right, it can have flaws like me! :) I have also cut back on my worrying…mostly. There are still things I worry about, I try to let them go, I turn them over to the Lord, I pray on them….and still I worry. :) The Lord understands, He allows me to worry and when I’m ready he gently reminds me it’s going to be okay. :) Let’s say I don’t worry for as long a period as I used to! It’s a step in the right direction.

  3. In total sympathy with you about perfectionism and worrying.

    I am really glad it turned out well!

    One thing that has been tremendous in helping me is my friend telling me, “trust yourself.” It may have been the first time anyone ever “gave me permission” to trust myself. Now when I start panicking over something I am not sure if I did right, I just tell myself to trust myself.

  4. paescapee says:

    I really identified with this post. I avoid doing any assignment for as long as possible as I’m so resistant and then spend hours on it obsessively making it ‘perfect’. Often what I do is subjective so it’s up to the examiner anyway, and I get very anxious about what other people say. I never feel quite good enough although I do get good marks mostly. Don’t we beat ourselves up?

  5. newshoes123 says:

    I’m a perfectionist as well… gosh I don’t know how many times I’ve worried about not being a 100% accurate about something and it’s bothered me for days. Funny thing happens though when you leave you pah, things start to change within yourself and I’m not longer such a perfectionist. Don’t get me wrong, I like things done the right way and I put 100% of myself in it, but if something goes wrong, well it just does!!! No biggie and I’ll still eat my toast in the morning just the same as every day :)

    Note: I’m not that strict with my children though, I really believe that kids learn by mistake, you can tell them the right way and the wrong way and you sure as heck hope they choose the right, but if they don’t, no biggie, they’ll learn not to do that again!! It seems to have worked for me so far :)

    Don’t be so hard on yourself dear!!! You are way way better than you think!!

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