here’s one…

Scene:  At night, in bed.  He has been moody, huffy, kind of slamming things a little, all evening. I can tell he is upset, but he hasn’t said anything.  Finally…

Me:  Do you want to tell me what is bothering you?

Him:  It wouldn’t do any good.

(I leave it be.  I detach.  There is silence.  And then…)

Him:  Reading that book made me mad at you and I need sex.

(So there’s a come-on line for you next time you want to entice someone!)

Anyhow, the book he was reading that made him mad at me was Love and Respect.

I simply told him that sex makes me cry and he said, Sorry about that.  He did sound a little sorry, but he also sounded a little sarcastic.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to here’s one…

  1. Miss Min says:

    Well… who could argue with a ‘come-on’ line like that? :) Lordy. ‘Love and Respect’ undoubtedly makes him mad – it must be so confronting to consider his own attitudes and behaviour in the light of it. You have so much patience and endurance..I hope and pray for some resolution soon.

  2. newshoes123 says:

    it makes him mad… Poor baby!! NOT!! Sorry but I have no more sympathy for abusers…. they choose – CHOOSE – to abuse the ones they love. So he doesn’t get sex, so he’s mad – whatever – he can deal with it, he knows he did wrong. Good for you for standing your ground.

  3. Seeing the Light says:

    After reading your post, I just checked Amazon for reviews on this book. Wow! If he keeps reading it, based on the reviews, you are really going to be in for it. The first few comments alone – from more than one person – include that the book is degrading to women, blames 90% of marriage problems on wives not respecting husbands, and blames a husband’s adultery on the wife not having sex often enough. This is just five minutes of looking at reviews. No wonder the book made him mad at you! It is bad enough when passive aggressive men twist something good through the distorted grid through which they view life, but when he is reading a book that can be described like this, it’s going to cause a lot of trouble. It sounds like this counselor is going to be no good for you and your well-being. I am worried about you!

  4. Bronze says:

    Mine read a book about being a ‘happy husband’- it was actually pretty good in the care and feeding of wives – I chose it and gave it to him. Before I gave it to him, I cried as I read it because I knew in my heart he had never done anything in the book and I didn’t think he could do them. But I gave it to him to show him what I needed. There was one chapter at the BACK of the book stating it was important for husbands to continue with an outside hobby to maintain their individuality – it stated quite clearly that this was in ADDITION and AFTER all the other requirements had been met. Guess which chapter he latched onto and flipped straight to and discussed with me? (while recording the conversation, which he started to do to make sure I wasn’t ”abusive” to him). I later asked him if he had listened to the recording of him lecturing me for hours on what he needed etc. etc. and he confessed he tried to but couldn’t do it – for reasons know only to himself. Looking at themselves is something they just can’t do. When I discovered mine was visiting mens rights forums his ramped up anger and disrespect towards me, made much more sense. It sounds like you are in for some punishment. Please take care of yourself and don’t let him get you down.

  5. lonelywife07 says:

    LOL!!! He NEEDS sex? Ummm…no he doesn’t. Does he WANT sex…sure he does! He’s a man, isn’t he?
    You NEED to feel emotionally safe and loved…and he doesn’t give a flip about that, does he?
    And if I were you…that Love and Respect book would be read in the bathtub…and “accidentally” dropped in the tub…just sayin’!
    PAA…you seriously need to get out…you and your daughter need to come together and make plans, and then go!

  6. JD says:

    Leave already. Seriously. What are you waiting for?

  7. One Step at a Time says:

    Hi It’s my first time on your blog and it’s just after midnight so I haven’t been able to read enough to get the whole gist of how many years you’ve been together and what your plans are. The sex request is a part of the PA pattern. He doesn’t really want it, he uses it as a tool because he knows you’ll say no and then he gets to release his annoyance on you, I grasped that recently from an article. If you do say yes he’s annoyed because he didn’t really want it and he’ll just turn it against you later. PAs rarely want sex, they may need it but they get mad that they want it especially from you because it means that they have to depend on you for pleasure and that pisses them off. Most PAs eventually become impotent because they loath themselves and that messes up their libido. They blame you when they can’t get it up. I am 3 months out of a 25 year relationship with a passive aggressive and still trying to find my footing. The first 3 weeks were really hard, I would describe them as severely painful. The next 6 weeks were up and down some crying, some great days, some days I didn’t think I could live. Things get better, then I have to talk to him about something (we only text and it’s very brief and business) and I spend the day in confusion but then I call the hotline, sleep and things clear up. I found your blog because I’m having a bad night. It was set off by a comment my friend made that brought me back to the crazy for a few minutes. I thought I missed him for a minute so I usually call the National Abuse Hotline (they are WONDERFUL in helping you get through the hard nights if you get the right person, if I get the wrong person I just get off the phone and call back) or I do research to remind myself why I left. Tonight I’m doing research. I haven’t had a chance to explore your blog but we all follow the exact same pattern you do. I followed it for years, I only discovered the term passive aggressive about 3 years ago, maybe 5 actually I’m not sure but I couldn’t grasp it when I did find it and the cycle continued no matter how hard I tried. I left because my anxiety took over, my stress started making me unhealthy, I felt physically sick after so many years of this, we were barely connecting at all and he started having shorter and shorter fuses. I think that’s what makes most women leave usually in their 40s, eventually the PA becomes so short that you just feel desperate to get out. As men age this seems to get worse and worse. The interesting part is now that I’m through the seriously hard part (the grieving stage), I don’t spend my days thinking about my relationship much (except every few weeks there are a few days where it takes over a bit like tonight) and I’m getting back to what I am calling, “the land of the living”. Living with a passive aggressive is death. They cause so much havoc that you forget who you are. You spend your time thinking about your relationship, trying to make it work, coming up with all these plans not to set him off, protect you, protect your kids, protect him. How do I do this. How do I go about this so he doesn’t ruin it. How do I stop this man from ruining my kids (you can’t they’re ruined, mine are definitely damaged, I’m only now seeing how much now that he’s gone. They’re not afraid to say anything anymore, not afraid he’ll come home in a mood, not afraid to set off an argument, not afraid to misbehave and not get approval.) My teenagers are finally desperately trying to be normal teens living in a healthier environment, sadly they don’t know how and I don’t know how to help them, I’m getting them into therapy and I hope that helps them. I truly get it all. I think I need a reminder when I’m in a weak moment and your blog definitely gives me that. I think from what I’m seeing you are still in the relationship, I can never say to anyone leave, I know that’s not reality. Anyone who says that to you is projecting. It’s so easy to tell someone else to leave. We all know we should leave but our brains are so confused we don’t see how. If you told me to leave a few years back, I would have said to you, “I don’t know how, I’ve tried but there is something wrong in me”. I then discovered the word “codependent” and researching that term helped me tremendously. It didn’t make me leave but it helped me to start to turn the tables. I am a codependent. I now understand something that it took me years to get to. This broken relationship is not just what he does to me, it’s what I do to myself. It’s me that I need to start to understand, not him. I can’t fix him but I can (try to) fix me. After the last “crazy” episode I just said “STOP NO MORE”. I asked him to open a jar and he freaked out from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. Opening a jar turned into a HUGE event. I went upstairs, I let him leave and I called the abuse hotline, that is the best thing I ever did for myself. They stayed on the phone with me while he packed so that I didn’t run down and say no don’t leave. I called the hotline every single day for a month several times a day. They talked me through it. I’m only 3 months out and I am at a point where I can honestly say, I’m never going back, not ever. I can’t say I feel good again, that would be an exaggeration but I am starting to feel “okay”. Getting through those first 3 weeks where you feel like you are going to die are really hard but once you start to move beyond them, your brain clears little by little. Mine is still very confused and cloudy sometimes so I focus on who I was at 17 before I met him. The 17 year old me wants the 44 year old me to dream again but not only dream, to live. I forgot what I used to like to do before my life and all of my thoughts became about making my relationship work. I never even realized I was doing it. 50% of my time at home was “how do we do this so he doesn’t get upset”, that’s not living. I’m looking forward to reading your blog. It will help me continue to move forward. I hope that one day you do get out. I wish that for everyone who is trapped mentally in the cycle. It’s a really hard cycle to leave. I’m already at a point where I am saying “wow, I wish I had done this YEARS ago, it’s not nearly as bad as I imagined” but then that’s what everyone says in all the articles and so it just goes to show that everyone has to get to rock bottom and then go through the exact same stages. Keep hanging in there, keep blogging because it means you’re on the path, start to look at you instead of him and hopefully something will eventually click for you. I will try to be careful about what I post in the comments. I truly understand that each person has to go through the cycle for themselves to get to the end, it’s not my job to fix others, I’m just starting to fix myself. The end is scary when you’re in the cycle, it’s what you avoid and say will never happen to you because you so desperately don’t want it to because it seems so hard. I used to be jealous of people who made it to the end, now I’m one of them. Now I’m jealous of people who have good marriages (yes they do exist because I’ve now started looking up “What is a good marriage”. Funny but it’s not what I thought it was, it’s just two people who accept each others flaws and don’t attack each other over them just sort of work around them through conversation. That’s interesting, I hope I can do that some day. I have a lot to work on in myself, all part of the finding me. I know I’m in there. Thanks for blogging, I’m looking forward to reading it. You may help me to uncover something about myself that I didn’t realize. It’s easier when you’re looking at yourself through someone else’s words. I hope any of my shared research can help you see something in yourself as well or at least give you ideas for new terms to Google.

  8. Tish says:

    “Anyhow, the book he was reading that made him mad at me was Love and Respect.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s