I went to talk to a therapist this evening.
Part of our discussion revolved around my marriage. I told her that my husband was passive aggressive. She said that she understood what passive aggressive meant.
But when I was talking about stuff like lack of emotional connection and lack of sex, she said it sounded like what she called a pursuer/distancer dynamic.
She said the pursuer (me) is needy, hungry and so the distancer (him) is freaked out.
In a way that made sense. But I am not sure that truly addresses the whole thing.
She seemed to think that she could help us. (I actually went in about something for myself, not for the marriage.) She said she is a hopeless romantic. She suggested a consultation with the two of us as she is very expensive and then she could refer us to her associate who could help us, but who is not as expensive.
I told her I didn’t know, that I had spent so much time and money and effort over the years trying to make it work that I didn’t know if it would be worth it. She said it was cheaper than divorce.
She also suggested that I get therapy for myself to address the childhood trauma of abandonment when I was two and half. That I do agree with. I think that is a good idea and I am going to look for someone to help me with that. I know that it subconsciously affects my thinking, like feeling like I am not good enough, and that I don’t matter, and being afraid of abandonment.
She said something else interesting. She asked me why I hadn’t left him. (I told her I am planning to leave him, but haven’t yet.) I told her that I didn’t have the money to leave yet or to support myself. And I told her that I have too many things, that I need to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I told her that I thought all my things had to do with the childhood trauma. (Actually I read recently that often hoarders experienced a childhood trauma and that had more to do with hoarding than deprivation had to do with hoarding. No, I’m not an extreme hoarder or anything; I just have more stuff than I need to have.)
Anyhow, she said that things were security. And she said the marriage was security. She said I wanted security, which is why I have all my things and why I am still in the marriage. I think that makes sense and I also think that that is something I have to think about some more.
I appreciated my time with her and she was helpful in a number of ways.
But I really don’t know about trying anything else to help the “marriage.”