I can’t see beyond this

I can’t see beyond this.

I can’t see anyone loving me.

I can’t see having a house that isn’t dilapidated.

I can’t see not struggling with depression.

I can’t see having a job that is more fulfilling for me.

I want these things for myself but I can’t even visualize them.  I don’t even know what they would look like.

All I see is not being lovable, not being worth a nicer dwelling, stuck as a receptionist.  I can’t see beyond that.  I don’t know how to get beyond these things, to even see that maybe I have a chance at them.

I saw a quote a while back that said, “Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles.”  I’d like to believe that.  But all I can see is being stuck here forever.

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8 Responses to I can’t see beyond this

  1. You post makes me sad. There is hope for better circumstances even if you cannot see them now from where you stand.

    I became pregnant while in a deep depression after being raped; I had no money, no car, no education beyond high school. I was 19 and afraid. However, I knew God was in control. I trusted Him with my worries and He provided for all my needs which gave me a start on the path to changing my life. I mean, my landlord offered to lower my rent to $150/mo., my estranged father bought me a car, my friend’s family surprised me with a couch and television. It was amazing. I worked for several years and then went back to finish college, got a decent paying job…then married.

    Again, I am now helpless to provide for myself as I once did. I have been hurt deeply by my husband’s abandonment, yet I feel God’s presence strongly again. He is there for us and once we can truly let go of our fears and trust Him, powerful changes manifest.

    You are in the thick of your PA husband’s distorted reality. I remember how drained, confused, helpless and hopeless I felt during the marriage when I couldn’t pinpoint the source of dread that was so horrid it triggered two episodes of suicidal thoughts. Being with a PA/Narc is like living with a Dementor from the Harry Potter books. They suck all the happiness out of you, keeping you captive and feeding off your spirit.

    This inability to see the future improving is part of the hopeless fog PAs create to keep you subdued. Please trust that there is hope for a good change…because there is.

    Hugs and warm thoughts to you.

    • There is a girl at work who has things “just work out” for her all the time. It is so amazing. I feel “left out” of this kind of thing. Maybe the time isn’t right yet. I don’t know. He does suck a lot out of me and I don’t even know how to explain it anymore. When I gave him my all, it made sense that he sucked so much out of me. Now I give very, very little and he still sucks so much out of me. It is so hard to explain how someone can just be in the same house, not even in the same room or interacting with you and still can take so much out of you.
      I do need to let go. I was thinking about that a bit today. I hang on so tightly. I really struggle with knowing how to let go, what that looks like. I think the the “thought habits” are very deeply ingrained. I’m hoping the counselor that I am going to in a couple of weeks will be able to help me to break through a lot of this. Thank you very much for sharing your experience and for your hugs and warm thoughts.

      • Oh goodness, the way a PA affects the atmosphere in a home is unbelievable! Do not feel like it is anything you are/aren’t doing that controls his impact. I swear to you the day after he left was when I noticed I wasn’t on the eggshells I hadn’t realized were there. They are so oppressive in spirit that being anywhere near them affects a person…and even when they’re away, there is that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

        Regarding letting go of fear, the thing that helped me most was learning that fear is actually idolatry. When we fear we believe the thing we fear is greater than God. I was astounded when I realized this. Combatting fear is a constant struggle and staying in the Word gives us the ammunition to keep it at bay. It is not easy, but it is a skill that can be learned.

        A good counselor who understands covert emotional abuse is a treasure. I hope he/she is an awesome fit for you. Keep hope Ms. Johnny Jumpup. ☺

  2. Newshoes says:

    This actually worked for me PAA … I wrote a list and made it sound like it already happened and guess what it all did!!

    I found this quote online a while ago and I reread it often: Assume that things are what you want them to be… That’s what confidence is. It turns out it’s bloody true :) hugs in the meantime. You’ll snap out of it but be gentle on yourself for now.

    • What kinds of things did you write on your list?

      • newshoes123 says:

        It’s a pretty extensive list but basically I wrote what I wanted out of life in specifics (ie. how much money, where do I live, what I am doing (work, activities), the type of man I want, the type of relationship I want, how many friends I have, etc. For example, I wanted a new car, well I wrote that I had a new car and that it was exactly what I wanted down to the color :) I said I had new friends, and lo and behold, I got new friends – 5 of them!!!! Good ones too!! I wanted a new man in my life – a really nice, kind, caring and loving person and I did!! We are friends for now but things are developing naturally. I feel truly blessed and lucky and absolutely grateful… When I checked my list for the type of guy I had written about, I wrote it so specific and so extensive that I figured there’s no way anyone would have all of this but I kept it anywways because I didn’t want to settle anymore – guess what? on the 58 darn things I wrote I wanted in a partner – he got 56 of them!!! No joke!! Try it, what have you got to lose??

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