cold and tired and dark

My husband has been trying to get me to watch a Bible Study that his church put on DVD about love and respect.  It seems like it is based on the Love and Respect book.  I don’t want to watch the DVD.  If he thinks he wants to learn how to love me better, good for him.  Not holding my breath.

He also keeps asking me if I want to go to church with him.  I don’t.  Every week he asks and every week I say no.  I need to tell him to stop asking me.  By the way, he is scheduled to speak at his church this week.

We had plenty of left-overs from Thanksgiving and each evening this week, he has warmed up left-overs for dinner.  Maybe to show he is trying to be more loving?

Today I had a very busy day at work and toward the end of the day, some things didn’t go right and I was tired and I started feeling cold and lonely inside.  Do you know that feeling?

After work, I went to the gym and then to Michael’s.  My debit card was declined at Michael’s.  Talk about deja vu and PTSD!!!  (See post.)

It wasn’t his doing, though.  He has no access to this account.  The credit union had issued a new debit card and after a certain point, they automatically cancelled the previous card.  It’s all okay now.  But after I got in my van outside of Michael’s, I cried and cried and cried.

So, even though I was dreading going home – cold and tired and dark inside – I was thinking that it would be nice that he had warmed up left-overs again.

Of course, the thought also crossed my mind that because I actually wanted there to be warmed up left-overs waiting when I got home, then there wouldn’t be warmed up left-overs when I got home.

Can I call it or can I call it!?!?!

When I got home, nothing.  There weren’t warmed up left overs.  The oven wasn’t on.  The kitchen wasn’t warm from dinner heating.  Nothing.

I went into the bedroom and he said, hey.  I didn’t answer.

I called the credit union and got the debit card thing straightened out.

Then I asked him if he wasn’t eating dinner.

He said he was eating dinner and wanted to know if I was making dinner.

I told him that since he had warmed up left-overs every night this week and nothing was warmed up, I though maybe he hadn’t been planning to eat.

He said he was going to eat and wanted to know if I wanted him to warm up dinner.  I told him that I didn’t want to wait an hour to eat and that I would just eat it cold.

I went to get the turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes out of the fridge and he said …

… I’m only going to have tangerines for dinner since I ate so much lunch.

Maybe since he wasn’t actually going to eat left overs, he couldn’t be bothered to warm them up for me.

I ended up warming up my own turkey and dressing and potatoes in a pan after all.  It took a lot less time than baking it in the oven and I decided I did want it warm after all, since there was no warmth any where else.

Oh, and I ate way too much.  I hate that I do that – that I try to end the cold and ache and hunger and loneliness in the very pit of me by eating too much food.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to cold and tired and dark

  1. WritesinPJ's says:

    I completely understand this post.

  2. newshoes123 says:

    You called it alright… since he had been “nice” all week warming up food, I guess he had his quota of niceness for the week… argh!

  3. K says:

    Yep. His quota was up, he got you to expect niceness, then he pulled the rug out on you.

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