a worthless shell

I try so hard and I screw up so much.

It wouldn’t matter if I didn’t care and I screwed up.

But I hate it that I do care and I do try and I still screw up.

And then I feel so crushed that I screwed up only because I tried and  I cared.  And if I hadn’t cared and hadn’t tried in the first place, then I wouldn’t have screwed up.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t care.  I wish I didn’t try.

Why is it like that?

Why do I try and then fall on my face so much?

At Toastmasters this week, someone said, “Fail with gusto.”  Well, maybe that’s me.  Because I sure do fail a lot.

And then I have this stupid belief from childhood that no one will like me, including God, unless I’m good enough, unless I’m perfect.  So, of course, I keep trying and trying and failing and failing.

I can’t go on like this.  I’ve gotten so close to being suicidal recently.  I think it is probably hormonal; I’m at that age.

But I can’t keep on living like this, hating myself, wanting to be okay, wanting to be enough, wanting to be loved.

And yet I haven’t found a way to love myself yet, so maybe it isn’t surprising that nobody else loves me.  (I know that sounds really whiny.)

Sometimes I think I’ve made a little progress in loving myself.  I keep trying (and failing???).

Sometimes I think maybe there really, truly, seriously is something wrong with me, that it is not just echos of childhood trauma, that it is not just living with a passive aggressive man for twenty seven years, that maybe it really is me, that I am just a screwed up mess and that there really is something wrong with me.

I keep telling myself that it is only a few more days, ten to be exact, until I go see Fred the counselor, and he will be able to help me.  And if he can’t help me, well, then I am going to go get drugs.  Because if I don’t, I may end up killing myself.  And I don’t want to do that to my daughters.

I may be only a shell, an empty, worthless shell, but I can’t put it on my daughters that their mommie killed herself.

I pray so hard and so often that God deliver me, but I don’t think He hears me.  After all, I’m not good enough.  I try to tell myself that it is just not time yet, that He is working out something for me, but I get so afraid that maybe it’s not true, that He really doesn’t care.

Maybe part of this is perimenopause and it is “just” hormonal and it will go away at some point.  I really need it to go away.  Now.

I don’t want to kill myself.  I want to be better.  I want to be sane and not a worthless shell.  I want my life to be meaningful.  But it’s not right now.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to a worthless shell

  1. WritesinPJ's says:

    I also understand this post. Try to push against the feeling and do something very positive and kind for yourself. When I feel and think this way, I stop and tell myself that it’s just feelings and thoughts, and then try to do what my reasoning mind knows would be nurturing and healthy.
    You’re having perfectly normal responses to abnormal passive aggressive insanity dynamics.

  2. GainingStrength says:

    I used to try and prove myself to others and when no acknowledgement came I felt like I failed. What was I trying to prove? I think I was trying to prove that I am useful, I do exist, I am not worthless, and yes I’m lovable. The agony of trying to break away from my abuser’s brainwashing is very hard work.

    So now when I feel myself wanting to jump in and explain or fix a situation I haven’t caused, I sit back and remind myself I’m not responsible (read: to blame) for others words or deeds. I don’t take hints anymore either. :) I have become more of an observer of others and the anxiety and worry in this area has grown less with time.

    The problem I have with recovery from the abuse is the time it will take. Again the feeling that I’m a failure if I can’t solve my problems quickly. I think others are thinking the same thing about me and maybe they are and maybe they are not. Another area to work on …sigh.

    The dark days you describe are so painful. I can’t tell anyone about the dark feelings because they will think I’m crazy or over dramatizing things. It is so lonely having to deal with these emotions on your own. Sometimes it feels like I’m so shattered that I’ll never be able to put the pieces back together. It will take time and I feel like I am making positive progress.

    I used to blame hormones for my marriage problems, too. Turned out not to be the case. :) Stay strong and trust in the Lord, He will guide you along the right path. He’ll wait for you to finish your detours of self doubt, anger, self-pity, etc. We all take these detours, just don’t forget the way back.

  3. You are SO loved, God/Spirit sees you as perfect even in your failings. Anytime we ask something from God, we almost always forget that he has his own sense of timing, and something far beyond what we humans feel as timing.
    The other part of this is patients and being non-judgmental. Every time we get angry at ourselves for a mistake we make and judge ourselves, that judgement holds us back from moving forward. So I have a practice of catching myself when I make a mistake and saying “oh I’m doing it again”, and instead of judging I have at that point the opportunity to change the pattern to the positive.

    I also carried that guilt of “not being good enough” in my youth. And it was a hard lesson to learn to see that statement “as not truth”. To see it for what it really is, is a projection from my parents emotional insecurities towards me.
    So when you feel that guilt inside of you, look straight at it and say out loud “you are not truth, I am God’s love eternal”!!! Because “that” my dear IS truth.
    Take a few minutes and write what it is that you like about yourself. Then 5 or 10 minutes every day and connect to how special you are. Sit in the sun, close your eyes and feel the warmth of Gods love on your skin. When you are taking a shower, feel the water washing away your feelings of undeserving and giving you a clean second chance. When someone tells you that you’re doing well, hear it, and soak it up. Hear and feel the positive and eliminate the negative. This takes practice, especially when you’ve been living in the negative for sooo lone.

    Be the gift that you are, because blessing ARE about you. God wants you to see that in yourself.
    Look at my site, I got that way by choice. My life started out crazy bad, and what changed me is that I was taught that God is Love and Forgiveness. So I held onto that and over time I came bubbling to the surface. Now I stand on top of the world, with God as my witness.
    I believe you can do this… one step at a time.
    My blessings to you…

  4. Your pain is so evident. A lot of what you say echos how I felt at the end of my three year marriage…being a shell, thoughts of suicide, the constant negativity in my head, believing my hormones were off because we had cyclical arguments; I cannot fathom how much stronger these feelings must be after 27 years. My heart hurts for you. It is NOT you with the problem…it is him who is the problem! Somehow in our bondage it is so hard to see this.

    There is something amazing I want to share to encourage you. Within days of his abandoning me I noticed the negative voice in my head was all but gone. I really believe that critical voice was him…well him and my other prior abusers. I wish I understood better how this happened so I could help you. I so badly want to give you this mental freedom.

    Please keep on in your hope. I am praying for you.

  5. paescapee says:

    Who says you’re failing? Your inability to change things is because you can’ t change him. PA relationships make you lose your sense of direction and feel crazy. That’s normal in the circumstances and cannot be defined as failure. I know you feel horrible and I hope the counsellor will help; but please don’ t define this as failing. Best wishes xx

  6. newshoes123 says:

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown PAA – change your perspective about yourself, what is it that you do that is amazing, fantastic and great that you do love. For example, you are the front face at your office being the receptionist, believe it or not that is an important role because you are the first person someone sees when they walk in. I also know that you are very good in your Toastmasters group, and you are amazing at inspiring us here. I know that you are an excellent mother, taking care of your daughters the best way you know how with love and understanting and patience. Hello!!! You are so many great things my dear.

    Don’t let the negative stuff get in your way, have your pity party for a minute and be gentle with yourself but turn around and pick yourself up, you deserve the best you that you are. (if that makes sense).

    You could also try specific meditation that include self love and care for yourself, and I believe there is some also for forgiving yourself. They are free online. It might help you relax and envision a better life for you and your girls.

    And yes, 27 years of abuse combine with an unloving childhood will bring on all of those negative dark thoughts about yourself because you feel like you fail at everything. But I know that you don’t. We are our own worst critics…. and these abusers, they know that and use it against us.

    Take care, let us know how you’re doing. xo

  7. I hope you are feeling better today. Prayed for you.

  8. I understand this post. The one thing I will say is that the suicidal is not hormonal and if you really feel seriously suicidal and not just thoughts about it, please call the suicide hotline, the domestic abuse hotline (I can’t tell you how good it is to talk to someone) and also there is something called the Good Samaritan Hotline. I am in menopause and it doesn’t cause suicidal thoughts. We all have these feelings, even people who feel secure have them. Part of being in a PA relationship is feeling out of control, feeling like you are not good enough because he tells you aren’t to keep you where he wants you only you don’t realize it’s happening. When people say “PAs have control”, they usually don’t mean financial. He controls how you feel everyday by causing chaos. You are trapped in the chaos. Keep working until you get out. I’m in month 5 of leaving and I’m still trapped in the cycles in my head and he’s not even around. It really is very hard, you are not alone. Life revolves around a PA. Only professional help will get you to let it revolve around you. It really is crazy making. Hang in there and keep working on it=)

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