I homeschooled both my daughters. And they’re both in college now.
I’ve been cleaning out papers this morning. So much stuff! I found pages and pages of information that I had collected about how to homeschool. It was so important to me at the time.
But now that time has gone.
It’s interesting that I came across those today. Just before I started going through boxes, I was lying on the floor, crying, thinking about my life.
Being a wife and mother was so important to me. My husband, my daughters, my home, my garden – they all filled my life. If not my heart, at least they filled my life.
And now, nothing fills me. Maybe because my heart has always been empty.
My daughters are grown. My marriage … my marriage has never been what I envisioned. Not even at the beginning. My house is dilapidated. I see no point in even trying to make it beautiful when it is crumbling from the foundation to the roof. My garden is a mess.
This morning I was wondering, what does my future hold? Where do I from here? Nothing delights me. Nothing interests me. I know I need to find a new focus for myself, since my old focus on children and husband has fulfilled its purpose. But where to go? What to do?
I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I do know that I want a joyous, intimate relationship with a man who truly loves me. That would mean so much to me to have a good relationship! But I don’t even know what that would look like, if I am even enough to be half of that, if I am even the kind of person who would attract someone who would be good to me.
I do want a beautiful home. But I don’t know where that would come from. I know this will sound funny, but my mom picked out the first house my husband and I had when were first married. (I’ve written about before, but I won’t go into it now.) And my husband picked the house we live in now, our second house. If I had the money, I could look for a house, but I don’t have the money.
And a fulfilling passion? I don’t know. Nothing is meaningful to me right now. I know I need to give more of myself, to do something more fulfilling than answer phones and review documents. But I don’t know what.
I think, too, something that is frustrating me is that at the moment I don’t have any goals. I am just drifting.
I’ve always had goals. But my goals focused on family and home. Those things aren’t there in the same way now. So I don’t know.
On a side note, one thing that really struck me in going through all these papers was my handwriting from years ago, at least fifteen years ago. It was so neat and pretty. Now my handwriting is a mess. Emotional turmoil. Maybe if I am ever peaceful and calm, my handwriting will be pretty again.
It’s not that I didn’t have at least some emotional turmoil back then. I did. But I also had hope that one day, it would get better. And I also hadn’t been through as much with him at that point as I have since.
Well, maybe this post wasn’t really about homeschooling. Maybe it was more about mid-life.