emotional abuse

Last night, I made my “bed” in the living room and then took a shower.  When I went back in the living room to get into “bed,” he was there waiting for me.

He told me that he wanted to talk to me.

He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to give me what I needed but that he needed my help.*

He told me that he knew that I was depressed and cried a lot when we were dating but he thought it would get better when we got married.

I told him that I had thought so, too.  That I had thought that I wouldn’t be lonely anymore after I got married.

He told me that he wanted us to be able to work together on things.

I told him that was all I ever wanted for years and years and years.  But that now I just didn’t care.

He said that we did do things together.

I told him that I remember being frustrated more often than happy.

He said we built the greenhouse together. **

He said that I didn’t know what I wanted so how could he give me what I wanted.

I told him that I did know what I wanted and that when I told him, he would either not do it or tell me that I was unrealistic.

He told me that he wasn’t superman, that he couldn’t do everything.  That I expected him to be perfect.

Then he said, I’m not saying this to be mean or to blame you, but after reading ‘Love and Respect,’ I understand what has been wrong all these years.”  He went on to say that my mom didn’t respect my dad *** and that I never respected him, my husband, that it is a generational thing.

He said that when we went to that real estate agent/preacher (see post) that man pointed out the truth about our marriage, that I didn’t respect him, and that then I didn’t want to counsel with that man any more.

He said that I should be going to church, that then I would have people to talk to who could help me.

He talked about two friends of ours who are now divorced and she is remarried.  The man told my husband that his ex had said she wanted to apologize for her part in the break up of the marriage, that she realized that it was her fault as well as his fault.  The man said he had already forgiven her and saw no reason to talk with her.

Then he started on about that his love language is touch and that I never touch him and that I go out of my way not to touch him.*****

Through this whole time, his voice was low and calm and controlled.  It was horrible.  I felt like I was being lashed and lashed and lashed.

I wish you could call the cops when you are being emotionally abused like you can when you are being physically abused.

Anyhow, I finally told him that I needed to go to sleep.  Except for what I wrote about above,  I didn’t answer anything back to him.  It wouldn’t have mattered. It wouldn’t have made any difference.  The conversation wasn’t about seeking to understand and be loving.  There was nothing I could have said.

This whole thing left me feeling so crazy, so awful.  It made me doubt all the years I tried so hard to be a good wife, to be a good mother, to build a good marriage and a good family.  I felt so wretched.  I cried a little and then went to sleep.

But it did answer one thing for me, as  horrible as listening to all of that was.

I had written a couple of posts ago that he has been being more helpful.  That he was trying to be more helpful around the house had started me wondering if maybe he really was changing, that maybe he really was trying to be more loving towards me, even if it didn’t feel loving.

But after this “conversation” last night, it seems pretty obvious that, no, nothing has changed.  He just has a new tactic of covert abuse:  a book called “Love and Respect.”


*Really?  And how about the help I needed over all the years?  I somehow managed to do the things I needed to do without his help although I so desperately wanted it.

** Twenty-seven years.  One greenhouse.

***My mom was very respectful towards my dad.  She went out of her way to always be sure she was very submissive to him.

****Although he didn’t say it, it seemed pretty clear from this that I should understand that it wasn’t my husband’s fault, that I should accept responsibility for the failing of the marriage.  Yes, he said the ex apologized for her half of the problems in that marriage, but do you honestly think that my husband is going to admit that he has done anything wrong?  This illustration was clearly that I needed to see that the fault was mine.

*****Yeah?  And what about all those years that I was extremely affectionate and he was the one that wasn’t affectionate and it got me NOWHERE???

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to emotional abuse

  1. rougedmount says:

    horrible – truly horrible – when the ‘reasonable tone’ is the battering ram of choice. when every word is spoken like an honest representation of a lie you know to be true. they don;t see, they refuse to. they don’t listen as they are the only ones who are important enough have that respect. this is death by spiritual dismissal and smothering. there is no joy here. it’s time to remove yourself …the pan has boiled dry and now the pit is becoming warped and damaged. have faith in your strength. make plans to leave.

  2. lost7658 says:

    Everything will always be your fault and no amount of talking will ever change that. I am in the process of divorcing my PA ( will be finalized Feb 26th) and he is still blaming for the end of our marriage. Never mind he actually left me for another woman and I didn’t put up a fight. Flash forward a couple of months later his new girlfriend dumped him and he is on dating sites claiming to have loved a girl he barely knew along with her kid , one of the comments he mentioned was ” he had the past times of his life with her and the baby” . I almost chocked on my coffee when I accidentally stumbled upon his profile and saw that sentence in his about me. His ex- girlfriend is now on the long list of people who have wronged him and he supposedly gave her his all and of course she spitefully dumped him. So you see my dear it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. No matter who is with him they will always be the one at fault and he will always be the victim. A couple of weeks ago , I really needed something in my apartment fixed and out of desperation I called him , he of course was willing to help.

    He spent the whole time talking about everything he fixed for me and how I never appreciated him including that I never was interested in his activities and hobbies and spent the whole marriage doing what I wanted to do. I just stared and waited for him to fix my sink. The whole interaction made me thank god that I no longer have to sit there and listen to his crap. I really feel for you because when I was with him I remember being so depressed, I can’t think of a single happy memory that didn’t have a horrible attitude or scene attached to it. I didn’t have a money when he left me either but I am surviving. I got a full time job and switched my college classes to online so I could accommodate working full time. I don’t have a lot of extra money but I no longer have the energy sucked out of me daily by a sick individual who really and truly does not care about you.

    Their love is superficial and used to fulfill their needs and their needs alone. Any woman in their life is just a placeholder that once her purpose is fulfilled , the abuse will start. I really hope you get away from him , nothing will ever change. I knew that the whole time I was with him and I think you know that as well.

  3. He IS a water torturer style of abuser: . The level of blame-shifting and minimizing is astounding. And the eerie calm demeanor–Ugh! I want to punch him in the nose for you. Actually, I want to put him and my ex on a deserted island together where they can suffer the effects of PA abuse from each other.

    You deserve to live freely unfettered by the empty vows of a hollow man. I am coming up out of my own pit and while it isn’t easy re establishing myself, it is so good to be away from that horrible fog. Each day, I remind myself how great it is to be my own person again.

    Your eyes are open. His tricky games aren’t working like they used to. This abusive episode is his desperation to hold you down. God did not create you to be a creature of suffering…this spiritual murder is not His will for you.

    Truly, I encourage you to talk with someone at your local domestic abuse agency. They will give you support, which can only come from people who get how insidious emotional abuse is. The women I have met at group empowerment have been very understanding…we help each other address problems that crop up and we enjoy good company along the way. They treat me like a whole, valuable person…something my ex refused to do.

    You are a valuable woman. You should not be treated abusively. There is hope for much brighter days…keep moving into The Light.

    Much love to you!

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