weary

I’m weary.

And I’m tired of being weary.

I’m tired of trying to figure things out.

Like the plants in the previous post.

Am I critical because all the plants were not brought in?  If I brought it up to him, he would say something about that he does the best he can and I expect too much.  And then I will start thinking I am crazy for wanting all the plants brought in.

Or the well water.

Should it be enough that I have well water, that I don’t have to carry water from a stream or something?  Should it be enough that I have running water, hot and cold, and I shouldn’t care that it turns red from time to time because the well leaks?  Should it be enough that it is relatively clean and doesn’t carry some deadly disease?  (Well, at least as far as I know.  This is the U.S. so I like to think not.)   Should the leaking well and the red water not bother me?

These things make me weary.

It makes me weary that the floor sags, that the roof will always have a tarp.

It makes me weary (to say the least) that I want sex, that I want to make love, but I that I feel so undesirable because he doesn’t make love with me.

Oh, yeah, he’ll stick his penis in me, but that is not the same as making love.  But I can’t even stand for him to touch me, so not sure how the whole making love thing would work out any way.

It all makes me weary to want and to not have and then to feel crazy for wanting a pretty home and a loving relationship.

Anyhow…

Thanks again for listening to me vent.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to weary

  1. You are NOT CRAZY for wanting a pretty home and a loving relationship.

  2. You are not critical because all the plants were not brought in. That’s the subtle, wearying paper cut thing about it. Who first said that? Death by a thousand paper cuts. And so being led to believe – by him – that the safety of your plants had been tended to and that you could relax, and then finding out that they indeed were not – is another paper cut. I have been there and wondered the same thing about myself. It’s not you. It’s him. And, yes, it is significant.

  3. WritesinPJ's says:

    Second guessing is inevitable when you live with gaslighting.

  4. AlonewithGod says:

    A normal conscientious husband keeps things fixed and running properly. A normal husband does not neglect his property. The PA husband makes half-assed repairs and puts patches on stuff rather than doing it right. My ex refused to allow professionals to come on our property, consequently, things did not get repaired. If he did something for me (a chore, errand, repair), it was done halfway or all wrong on purpose. Like your plants. He did that on purpose.

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