last night / this morning

(This post is only a few short words and it doesn’t fully convey the time involved and the intensity of my emotions.)

Last night, when I was almost asleep, he told me that he wanted, needed sex.  He told me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but that he really needed me.

I told him that sex rips me apart.

He asked if I couldn’t just lay on top of him, naked.

I didn’t say anything.

He kept asking, saying how much he needed me.

Finally, I scooted over closer to him and he put his arms around me, like spooning.

(I was wearing my nightgown – a men’s flannel nightshirt.)

He kept saying, moaning, “Oh, [my name], I need you.  I want you.”

Sometimes he would say, “Oh, [my name], I love you.”

And sometimes it was, “Oh darling, I love you so much.”

He was crying and pushing his body against me.

It was so repulsive.

He kept telling he needed me.

He kept asking me for sex.

Finally, I said, “I can’t.”

But that didn’t stop him.

He kept on crying and moaning and pushing against me.  I felt horrible.  I felt so dirty, so used.

He said again that he wanted sex and I told him that I can’t.

He said, “Please just try.”

He said he loved me.

I told him that if he loved me he wouldn’t ask me to do something that would hurt me.

But he kept on, crying and saying he needed me and wanted me and loved me and for to please try to have sex with him.

I told him again that I couldn’t.

Finally, after I don’t know how long, he stopped.

I thought about going to sleep in the living room, but I didn’t.

I wish I had.

Because it started again this morning.

He wanted me to lie closer to him.

He put his arm around me and pushed against me and told me how good I felt and that he loved me so much.

I couldn’t stand for him to touch me, but I just lay there, praying it would end soon.

Then he asked if he could just lie on top of me.

I didn’t answer, but he climbed on me.

I was still wearing my nightshirt, but he was naked.

And his penis was dripping on my leg.

He wanted me to put my  hands on his back.

I cried a little, but he kept telling me how good I felt and how much he loved me.

I felt so, so, so violated, even with him just being on top of me, not even sex.

He lay on top of me for a long time, saying how good I felt and that he wanted me and needed me.

Then he wanted me to touch his nipples.

I said, I don’t think you understand… I CAN’T do this!!!

At that, he finally got off of me and said that he would leave me alone.  He left the room.

I felt so wretched and unclean.

I took a shower, but I still feel so yucky.  I want to throw up.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to last night / this morning

  1. Oh my gosh. Sweet PAA, that was sexual assault and don’t think for a moment that you did anything to deserve or encourage it! Sexual assault is unwanted sexual touching. It doesn’t matter that he is your husband…you told him no! You said no over and over and he kept doing what he wanted. He is doing unspeakable evil.

    Even though you say you didn’t write in a way that totally conveyed it, I understand how violated you felt. I have been sexually assaulted and the feelings you describe are exactly how I felt during the incidents.

    Please, if you haven’t already, I urge you to speak to your local domestic violence organization. They can give you the support you need to get out of the fog. Please, please condider it.

    You deserve a life free from the oppression of your PA anti-husband. You deserve to have your boundaries respected.

    I prayed for you.

    • K says:

      Agree-sexual assault. My PA spouse would never do this.
      You need to get out. Now.

    • marriedtohyde – thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. It is comforting to know that someone else knows how it feels. I was thinking about the people that I know who don’t know what my husband is like and how I could explain any of this to them. I was wondering if my church would give me any support, but I honestly don’t know one way or the other if they would. And I’m afraid to ask. I’m also not sure about contacting a domestic violence organization. I’m not sure what they could do for me at this point. But again, thank you for your prayers and your encouragement.

      K – I’m sleeping in the living room and I think I will be okay in there while I work on plans to leave.

      • I only wish I could be there in person to give what support I can in your journey out of the abuse.

        The domestic abuse center will generally have an empowerment course that helps you to understand better all the dynamics at play in abuse. Also, some dv centers have free counseling from therapists trained in domestic abuse (abuse is not a required subject in the coursework for couselers and therapists, so this makes a huge difference in the effectiveness of the therapy). Also, the centers receive donations which are passed onto their clients. I have been given free makeup, clothes, and a haircut because they realize how abuse causes us to neglect our own needs. It is a place where I feel completely normal and accepted–they GET it. It is a place that has empowered me to move forward boldly.

        Please, if there is anything I may be able to help you with in regard to finding resources, just comment on one of my blog posts and I will get it.

        Many hugs. You will get through this.

  2. This is really shocking. Not sure if you realised how shocked other people would be to read about this. I think we get so conditioned to accept abuse we start to believe it’s normal. You deserve so much better than this you really do, we all do. I hope you are able to use this terrible experience to find the strength to get away from this man.

    • I didn’t write it to be shocking. It’s just a record of this part of my life and I needed to write it to help process and release what happened. And, yes, it is helping me find strength to get away. Thank you.

      • I know, I’m sorry, that was written clumsily and I hope it didn’t sound like criticism! I just think we can get so used to abuse that we can sometimes not realise how bad it really is, and keep putting up with things that should never be put up with. I think you are incredibly brave to share such an awful experience and hope you never have to endure anything like that ever again.

  3. So sorry you have to deal with this. I know 100% what you are talking about and how you felt. I use to deal with this kind of thing from my PA ex all the time. He told me I was his wife and I was supposed to give it to him. I was supposed to please him and submit to him he was the husband head of the house. We talked about it a couple times after we broke up and he was begging me to take him back. I told him that was one of the biggest reasons I no longer had feelings for him and wanted nothing to do with him. He still seen nothing wrong with it and I was the one that had a problem because I did. I should just forgive him. They are so sick in so many ways.

  4. I agree with the posts above. This was sexual assault. You are brave to share the details with us. Now, please call a domestic abuse organization or the police.

  5. I agree with the above comments regarding this whole scenario being sexual abuse. I feel for you and could easily enter in to how your were feeling. You described it very well.

    I want to say one thing as gently as I possibly can – being VERY clear to say that you are not to blame, you are not at fault for what happened. What I do want to say is that I plead with you to make the separation – even within your home – as distinct as possible. Given the state of things between him and you, I believe it is very DANGEROUS for you on so many levels to share a bed with him. Please, please, please make that separation into separate rooms – whether it is the couch or the bedroom that belongs to your daughter who is away. I have been living separated within the same house for a few years now and I could not survive any other way. Within the last year, none of his belongings are in my sleeping space so that he has no reason to encroach on my territory. This additional step has meant so much more than I realized it would. Please make the boundaries clear and do not share a bed with this man for your own sake.

    • I’m sleeping in the living room now and I won’t get in the same bed with him ever again. If he tries to approach me in the living room, I will threaten to call the police. If that doesn’t stop him, I will call the police.

      • I am SO relieved. This is a very healthy step for you!

      • AlonewithGod says:

        Hey sweetheart – I used to be a police officer. A couple yrs ago I had to call police on my ex because he was drunk and physically threatening me. That’s something police can understand. If you DO summon the cops, don’t go into detail about the sex and his
        PA. They won’t get it. Your husband is gonna lie and get the cops on his side.
        Just tell them you are having marital problems and trying to live separated at home and
        that he won’t leave you alone. They probably will advise you to leave if only temporarily.
        SO..sweetheart, if you threaten to call cops, be prepared to do so. An encounter with the police in your home will probably be rather frustrating.
        I very much understand how you feel about sex with him. Mine totally turned me off with his apathy and mistreatment of me.

  6. newshoes123 says:

    he’s obviously feeling like he’s losing you and going a little desperate… you need to protect yourself because if he went this far, he may go further next time. Good on you to sleep on the sofa from now on… keep doing that. And don’t let him get near you ever again…

  7. Charis says:

    Are you in therapy? A marriage without sex is unsustainable. I’m not a man but putting myself in his shoes, he’s got to feel pretty rejected and unloved living in a sexless marriage.

    JFTR I just separated from my H who has some big PA tendencies and is also pathological. But in this post, I find myself feeling sorry for your H. Men do want and like sex and a M without it is no M. On top of that- his mom passing- OUCH and double OUCH!

    • K says:

      If he doesn’t like the lack of sex, he is free to LEAVE. He is NOT free to push himself on her. He isn’t getting the love and respect he wants as a husband because he has broken the marriage covenant by not giving her the love and protection she needs as a wife. He’s emotionally abused her for 20+ years. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him. Shame on him.

    • poslaw says:

      Wtf? No means no.

  8. A. says:

    I am not comfortable giving my two cents, ever, but this struck an enormous cord with me. My husband of 17 years is PA as well. However, I must agree with Charis on this. This is no where near a sexual assault. This is a husband trying to be intimate with his wife. She had every right to get up out of bed and walk into another room. Or even get in her car and drive away for a few hours. Being passive aggressive does not make him a rapist. To insinuate this is a GRAVE TRAVESTY, and for any of you who do not understand that a man can go to PRISON, yes, PRISON, for this ….obviously have had absolutely no experience with the American criminal justice system. Dear lady, while I followed your blog for some time, and I understand your feelings at times, I will not be back due to this. Not only was this hugely personal detail that had no business being put on the net, I found myself wanting to cry for your husband. If you think your husband is a potential rapist and have the nerve to accuse him of that on the internet, then I highly suggest you put on some big girl panties and walk out your door for good. Sorry, but your husband is sexually frustrated, and while I understand he is passive aggressive, you are being just as cruel to him as he is to you. Quite frankly, reading this made me sick to my stomach.

  9. Rajalakshmi says:

    Exactly what I underwent. Crying while he was on top. Wanting to to stop n suddenly feeling guilty because he moved away angrily.

    Oh God even that memory makes me sick m violated

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