(This post is only a few short words and it doesn’t fully convey the time involved and the intensity of my emotions.)
Last night, when I was almost asleep, he told me that he wanted, needed sex. He told me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but that he really needed me.
I told him that sex rips me apart.
He asked if I couldn’t just lay on top of him, naked.
I didn’t say anything.
He kept asking, saying how much he needed me.
Finally, I scooted over closer to him and he put his arms around me, like spooning.
(I was wearing my nightgown – a men’s flannel nightshirt.)
He kept saying, moaning, “Oh, [my name], I need you. I want you.”
Sometimes he would say, “Oh, [my name], I love you.”
And sometimes it was, “Oh darling, I love you so much.”
He was crying and pushing his body against me.
It was so repulsive.
He kept telling he needed me.
He kept asking me for sex.
Finally, I said, “I can’t.”
But that didn’t stop him.
He kept on crying and moaning and pushing against me. I felt horrible. I felt so dirty, so used.
He said again that he wanted sex and I told him that I can’t.
He said, “Please just try.”
He said he loved me.
I told him that if he loved me he wouldn’t ask me to do something that would hurt me.
But he kept on, crying and saying he needed me and wanted me and loved me and for to please try to have sex with him.
I told him again that I couldn’t.
Finally, after I don’t know how long, he stopped.
I thought about going to sleep in the living room, but I didn’t.
I wish I had.
Because it started again this morning.
He wanted me to lie closer to him.
He put his arm around me and pushed against me and told me how good I felt and that he loved me so much.
I couldn’t stand for him to touch me, but I just lay there, praying it would end soon.
Then he asked if he could just lie on top of me.
I didn’t answer, but he climbed on me.
I was still wearing my nightshirt, but he was naked.
And his penis was dripping on my leg.
He wanted me to put my hands on his back.
I cried a little, but he kept telling me how good I felt and how much he loved me.
I felt so, so, so violated, even with him just being on top of me, not even sex.
He lay on top of me for a long time, saying how good I felt and that he wanted me and needed me.
Then he wanted me to touch his nipples.
I said, I don’t think you understand… I CAN’T do this!!!
At that, he finally got off of me and said that he would leave me alone. He left the room.
I felt so wretched and unclean.
I took a shower, but I still feel so yucky. I want to throw up.