internal conflict

He bought me a little plant that I like a lot.  It’s called String of Pearls and I had a gorgeous one when I lived in another state ten-plus years ago before we moved here.

Then I finally found one here a couple of years ago, but it died this past fall.

And today, he gave me another one.

He also helped me bring in my tender plants that can’t handle how cold it is going to get tonight and tomorrow night.

While I am thrilled to have another String of Pearls and I appreciate the help with bringing in the plants, it also fills me with conflict.

I really hate that.  I hate that internal conflict of being with someone who is sometimes nice and sometimes mean.

Just part of the insanity…

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to internal conflict

  1. I know. The back and forth is crazy-making…it is the idea of stringing you along with just enough crumbs of affection to cause you to doubt the way you feel.

    Big hugs!

  2. wornout says:

    Yes! I am really struggling with this, too. When my husband acts all happy and like everything is just fine, I’m to the point where I can’t handle it. I have lost every shread of trust that nice really means nice and it’s not just a way to trap me and hurt me again. Plus when he acts all happy go lucky I’m thinking inside-how dare he act all happy and like everthing is fine when he has completely destroyed me and every day of my life is touched with sadness and stress because of him. Being with these guys is absolutely the most brutal way to live.:( P.S. I’m so glad you posted, we’ve missed hearing from you:)

  3. Same here. I struggle with self-doubt and guilt when he is too “nice.” Is he really that bad? Have I blown things out of proportion? I have to really remind myself of our history, of how he really thinks about me and his entitlement, of who I was before him and what has become of me. I am always relieved when the real him comes out or when a subtle manipulation works its way back in. I also know that if I ever let my boundaries down or dropped the in-house separation (never going to happen, by the way), he would walk all over me all over again. But it is so hard. I am also learning the difference between “being nice” and true kindness and compassion that comes from the heart. “Nice” is becoming a four-letter word to me.

    • wornout says:

      Seeing, exactly. They can do the seemingly right, “nice” things like doing the dishes, offering to help with something, whatever, but there is always a lack of true compassion, care, kindness, and goodwill. I think this is what is so difficult, sad, and exhausting to me. It’s always there, seathing below the surface, the lack of goodwill. But it’s subtle and hard to put your finger on or explain, which is the crazy making part of it. I can barely interact with my husband anymore. His constant pausing when I try to have a normal conversation, completely throwning me and the conversation off and then acting like I have problems, never giving me enough information or completing thoughts and then acting like I’m so demanding when i just want the rest of the information, recoiling back with looks of disgust if i ever try and lean over and whisper something to him when we are at church or functions, and on and on. The other thing I notice is that when I am stressed out, sick, etc, it seems to make him happy. I swear he is at his best and happiest when I am down. It’s sick. And when things are going smoothly and everyone is happy, he becomes sulky and ignores people, etc. He’ll do these subtly jerky things and then a short time later say something like, you look hot, or, can we have sex tonight. What!?! And they are masters and somehow making us feel that the problem lies in us. I bought into it for years, but thanks to these blogs and everyone’s comments and sharing experiences, my eyes are wide open now to the fact that this is 100% abuse. But what is so difficult is they are not complete outright jerks. It’s all somewhat subtle and sprinkled with “nice” acts.

      • Excellent explanation, wornout. Especially: “The other thing I notice is that when I am stressed out, sick, etc, it seems to make him happy. I swear he is at his best and happiest when I am down. It’s sick. And when things are going smoothly and everyone is happy, he becomes sulky and ignores people, etc.” Absolutely! He likes me sick. That alone is so evil. I have also seen that when some issue is a concern to me and I am praying that it will all work it out, when it finally comes out the way I had hoped or even better and I am relieved, he can hardly speak. You can tell he is unable to hide his angry disappointment that something went well for me and I am experiencing relief.

      • Ick. This is what I percieved too. It was like I was his enemy for no apparent reason.

  4. Yes. There is an important difference between a “nice guy” and a “good man.” One wants to be perfect and right all the time, while the other wants to be a good, reliable person.

  5. wornout says:

    Seeing, I totally agree, I don’t know what I would do without all of you. You have been a lifeline and lifesavers in my life. I wish we could meet in person and I could give you all big hugs :)

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