When he says things to me like he did this morning (previous post), I feel flayed.

I feel wretched.  I start doubting myself and all that I did to raise my children and to try to be a good wife.

I start thinking that I am a terrible person.  Well, I already think that, but I try to keep those thoughts at bay.  But when he starts in, then I start believing again that I am terrible and unlovable.

And things only escalate from there … that no one will ever love me, that I could never be with someone, that I would screw up any relationship that I was in.

This past Wednesday was my birthday.  There is a young man at work, late 20’s I would guess, who sometimes really acts like a little boy but is actually pretty mature and thoughtful.  Almost every time he walks by my desk, he asks if there are any meetings.  (Sometimes when there are meetings, food is brought in and then left overs are put in the break room.)  He’s always looking for free food.  It’s kind of a joke.

So Wednesday, he asked if there were any meetings and any food.  I told him, no, but that it was my birthday and he should get cake for me and then he could have some of the cake.  (This is done quite often at work when it is someone’s birthday.)  Well, he took me seriously.  That afternoon when I got back from lunch, he and several others were gathered around my desk.  There were signs they had made that said Happy Birthday, and there was cake – chocolate cake! – and they had bought me some flowers and they sang Happy Birthday to me.  It made me feel very special.

On Friday, I had gone down to get the mail and I put it in everyone’s boxes and then I was coming back to my desk.  I said to the girl who covers for me when I get the mail, well, I did the mail and now I need a male.  One of the other men in the office was walking by and he heard what I said.  He turned around and said, what?  I told him that I didn’t mean for him to hear that.  He told me that he had a bunch of friends, frat brothers, and he would see what he could do.  Later, when he was leaving, he asked me how old I was.  (I would guess that he’s in his thirties.)  I told him that I was forty-nine.  Then I said, not bad for forty-nine, huh.  He said, I think you’re hot.  But don’t tell HR* I said that.  (*Human Resources.)   I took it as a compliment!  He wasn’t being crude, just honest.  He said he said there were some pretty good guys among his frat brothers.

Anyhow, I don’t know if anything will come of that, but it was flattering to be told, a couple days after your forty-ninth birthday, that you’re hot.

So, then my husband says these things to me and I believe that no one will want me, hot or not.


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13 Responses to flayed

  1. Your husband (not even a title he deserves) is the poison. He is abusive and selfish. Is that how Christ treated His church? Of course not. The marriage you have endured is not a picture of Christ’s love. You are not called to stay in bondage. This marriage is a prison and the warden is trying to keep you from seeing that there is no lock, just him creating fear and doubt to keep you from testing the door.

    It is important to realize you are in a danger zone as you walk out of this prison. Women face no greater threat of being murdered than when leaving an abuser. Please, I beg you, speak to your local domestic violence organization to develop a safety plan.

    I will pray for you.

    • *And the abuser who kills is not necessarily one who has previously used physical violence.

    • Miss Min says:

      Beautifully expressed marriedtohyde. I’ve been following this lovely lady’s journey for a while now and it saddens me to see her so oppressed; her self esteem desecrated by the man who is called to love her as Christ loves the church. Thank you for adding your prayers. I, too, pray for a peaceful and safe resolution to her situation.

  2. Charis says:

    Your husband wants to be the “male” who loves you and expresses that sexually but when he tried you interpreted it as sexual assault…

    Are you in counseling? I wonder how much you are projecting onto your husband and punishing him for old stuff (things he did or childhood things)?

    I don’t think you are responsible for how his daughters perceive him. He made his own errors with them. But can you re-read your account and really try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine how he must feel?

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Charis. It’s obvious by your comment that you have NO idea what it’s like living with a passive aggressive…so WHY are you here??

      You want to know why she “interpreted” it as a sexual assault?
      Because she has told her husband LOUD and CLEAR that she no longer wants to be married to him, that she doesn’t feel an emotional connection to him, that’s she doesn’t have any sexual desire for him, because HE has beat her up emotionally for YEARS!! He has cut her off at the knees, every time she tried to build a close connection with him…it’s how PAs live their lives!
      And yet, in true passive aggressive style, he chooses to ignore what SHE wants and tries to take what HE wants…again, in true passive aggressive style!

      Punishing him for “old stuff”??? Really? Oh please!! It’s obvious from your comments that you have NO idea what she’s dealing with, and it’s also obvious that you’ve never read her blog, because YES, she IS in counseling!
      Most all of us who are married to PAs are usually in some sort of counseling…it’s how we stay sane and also how we build up the courage to finally say NO to our abusers!!

      Put herself in HIS shoes?? Wow! You really DO NOT have a clue, do you?
      I’m not even going to dignify THAT piece of nonsense with an answer!

      How about doing a little research before you comment on someone’s blog, Ok?
      I will leave you with this Charis…www.leslievernick.com and http://www.cryingoutforjustice.com Read and learn, Charis…read and learn!!

    • Charis, I do not know how much time and energy I will have to respond to your comments, but I have a few things I would like to say. Lonelywife did an excellent job of responding to you appropriately, so that takes some of the pressure off me to say what I believe needs to be said to you.

      First off, to quote you, “Your husband wants to be the ‘male’ who loves you and expresses that sexually but when he tried you interpreted it as sexual assault…” How can you possibly say such a thing? How in the world can you take this woman’s description of an event that occurred between her and her husband and state, without any expressed doubt, very directly, his motives toward her. That doesn’t even make sense. For that matter, she was very clear that he continued to communicate what HE wanted and what HE needed. Other than continuing to insist he loves her – and please tell me you know already that people will say they love someone without meaning it to get physical gratification (if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to break it to you) – he does not respond to her protestations of her inability to comply without serious damage to herself. You have no idea whether this man loves her or not. You have no evidence to back up the claim that his desire for sex originates in a desire to express love for her.

      I do not mean to be unkind to you, but I really have to wonder why you have posted these comments here, as well as the previous post and the post from several months ago regarding the sexual incident. Why are you saying such things to this woman whose story you know so little about? I have followed her a long time, and I can tell you that you have no idea what you are talking about. What is your goal? What is your motive?

      I hope to return with further thoughts as time, energy, and responsibilities allow.

  3. Charis says:

    My estranged H was not just PA but outright abusive and controlling. Nursing resentment toward him was not constructive- for him OR me.

    Looking around for greener grass outside the marriage is not something I would ever do. One of my H’s defects of character is what I call “grass is greener syndrome”. When he was entertaining thoughts of the greener grass elsewhere, he had a huge chip on his shoulder toward me and the children; it affected his behaviour and attitude deeply.

    If the marriage is hopeless, end it. Looking around outside the marriage thinking the grass is greener? I can’t support that.

    • Charis says:

      The above was a reply to lonelywife. I will add that when you made marriage vows (in front of God?) one of them was “to have and to hold”. That is a euphemism for sex and sex is an expectation of marriage. For an H to expect sex with his W is not “abusive”.

      Being coercive and demanding about it- that’s abusive. Been there. You can read about MY experience with sexual abuse here https://hupotasso.wordpress.com/2007/10/28/biblically-does-submission-equal-obedience/ (That was just one of the times. There were other times like being armtwisted when I was bleeding and in pain after a miscarriage)

      When I read the episode that upset this blogger so much, sounds like a man who has been deprived, deprived, deprived, DEPRIVED and is desperate and whiney. Not very attractive, I agree. According to the blogger, he said he wants to spend time with her. Maybe he wants to re-connect in ways that are meaningful to her so that she becomes more comfortable reconnecting in ways that are meaningful to him? Maybe.

      I’ve been through a LOT with my H. Old stuff can be haunting at times. And my marriage is ending now. While it lasted, we had plenty of sex and the sex was very good- thousands of times.

      • lonelywife07 says:

        Charism Well then…You should consider yourself very lucky that you can call sex with an abusive man…GOOD!
        For me, I felt used and degraded, tossed aside until the next time…it was only after I said, “No more sex until YOU work on yourself and fix what’s broken inside of you” that I finally felt FREE and was able to start healing myself…and BTW, my husband is a cheater also.
        Why should my husband be allowed to cheat, treat me like I’m not important, shut me out emotionally, not interact with our children, leaving me to raise them alone…..and still receive the gift of sex??
        And sex IS a gift from God and that’s NOT what God intends for marriage, and I REFUSE to be a Peacefaker any longer!
        It’s been a year this month, and obviously my husband doesn’t NEED sex, he just WANTED sex….well, I NEED to feel safe and emotionally cared for…but I don’t get it, so now I take care of myself, my family and serve God in ministry.
        My husband has a choice to make…and thus far, he is choosing to remain rooted deep in sin. Not my problem!

    • lonelywife07 says:

      BTW, this blogger isn’t looking outside her marriage….just because someone told her she’s HOT, doesn’t mean she’s looking for an affair! It made her feel good…so sue her!
      I get complimented all the time on my looks, and yes, it makes me feel fantastic!
      The last man to compliment my was my GYN Dr!
      He looked at his chart, then looked at me and said” You’re how old?” And I told him, he shook his head and said” Well, you don’t look it at all!”
      I said, with a huge grin on my face. “Well, Thanks!!”
      I wasn’t looking for an affair, but I appreciated the comment…. You should be careful not to judge others, Charis…

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Charis….I read some of your blog, and first I want to say I’m sorry that you’ve been abused…it’s obvious that your husband is an evil, selfish man.
      In saying that, and reading you blog posts…I AM puzzled by what you’ve said here….you of all people should know what abuse looks like, but also, your comment, “If the marriage is hopeless, end it.” lacks compassion.
      You yourself lived for many years with abuse, and you didn’t leave….you should know that living with subtle abuse is very demoralizing, and you second guess yourself on a daily basis…this blogger will leave, one day, when she’s ready…no one can tell her when to go, she has to make that decision, because it’s a decision that will affect her for the rest of her life.
      I wish you well, Charis, I’m glad you’re away from your abuser….none of us deserve to live like this…none of us.

  4. AlonewithGod says:

    Wow, the emotions have been running high here lately. I enjoy reading various blogs, sometimes leaving a comment when I feel strongly about an issue. It’s a blessing we have the freedom to express our opinions and views to each other, all done anonymously and safely. Seems to me that Charis is just doing what we all do in our comments…adding an opinion/asking questions, sharing a personal experience, giving advice.
    I don’t know about other PAs, but sex with my ex was terrible the last few years. His behavior was EXACTLY as described in Dr. Scott’s book, “Living With the PA Man”. He withheld sex and affection from me for long periods of time, complaining about being tired. If I touched him in bed, he usually rebuffed me. When we did have sex, I thought every time it might be different; thought he might finally come alive.
    At the end, we were reduced to living like roommates. I didn’t like it at all, but I followed his lead and accepted it. The only difference was we still slept in the same bed every night, but with no sex!! He treated me very poorly but he was still my husband and I loved him unconditionally. It is good that God removed him from my life because the “roommate” situation was nervewracking for me.
    I understand that other ladies prefer it this way while remaining with their PA husbands. When others complained about their men always pawing them or wanting sex, I would think “I’d like to have that problem!!”

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