this week

This week, he said nothing at all about the conversation last Sunday morning. (See post.)  It’s as if it never took place.

He has been washing dishes and making dinner, though.

However, as I told my counselor (yes, I am in therapy), him not washing dishes and not making dinner is not my complaint about the marriage.  So, if he wants to wash dishes and make diner, he can.  I don’t care one way or another.

Some might say that he is trying to show me love by doing these things.

I think that if he really wanted to be loving, he would go away and leave me alone.

And to those who feel sorry for my husband because I didn’t have sex with him when he was pushing himself on me (see post) ….  what he did wasn’t about sex.

Sexual assault isn’t about sex.  It is about power and control.

His mom was dying at the time (she died a few days after what he did to me) and I believe he felt very powerless and out of control about that.  I believe he took it out on me because he had no other way to express his anger over the thought of losing his mom.  None of what occurred that night and the next morning was about love.

If you reread that post, you will see that I did try to give a little to him.  I scooted over closer to him.  I did not want to, but I thought maybe it would comfort him a little.

I wasn’t “punishing” him by not having sex with him.  I was setting a boundary for myself because I knew what he was asking of me was destructive to me.

And about sex and a woman’s “duty” to give her husband sex.  I Cor. 7 says that is a two way street.  Each should give to the other.  And it is giving.  Not demanding.  Not taking.

So about me and sex – please read this post – “sexless marriage.”

Oh, and what I wrote in my previous post about the young man planning the birthday surprise for me and the other man saying I was hot and he had frat brothers who would be interested – that wasn’t about going outside the marriage, about having an affair.

For one thing, there is no marriage.

For another, I was simply trying to sooth my wounded soul with comforting thoughts that there are others who care or who would care about me.

Yes, it was a codependent thing to do.  My counselor has been helping me see that my view of my worth needs to come from an internal belief of my intrinsic value and not be based on what anyone else thinks of me.  But, being human, it still was nice to know that others think well of me even though my husband does not.

To my followers – thank you so much for your love and support.  Your comments bring tears to my eyes.  And to those who must criticize me – you are welcome to your opinion and I do allow it to be posted here.  It is part of the conversation.  I am sorry, though, that you are so wounded that you cannot show compassion.  That is a sad thing indeed.


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9 Responses to this week

  1. K says:

    I’m seeing an increase of strength in you. Glad to see it. Your criticizers should be ashamed-perhaps they don’t value themselves. The covenant of marriage had been broken by these men. They love themselves more than us.
    Mine is moving out for a ‘trial’ separation for 6 months. This isn’t easy. He’s being the oerfect spouse now, but I told him he’s turning it on our son. He says he won’t anymore since the boy has finally decided to go to school. I said “why would you treat him so, even if you’re angry with him??” He said, ” that’s just the way I am and that’s ok! I’m ME!” Only the wife of a PA male would see the audacity of this statement. Instead of understanding that he is now channeling his anger passively at his son, he empowers himself that it’s ok.

  2. lonelywife07 says:

    Good for you for standing up for yourself…in both your marriage and here on your blog!
    You ARE getting stronger…I hope you can see it…the butterfly is getting her wings…and will be flying away soon :

    • lonelywife07 says:

      And I forgot to add “I wasn’t “punishing” him by not having sex with him. I was setting a boundary for myself because I knew what he was asking of me was destructive to me.”
      YES!! This is my life right now…no sex for a whole year now…I made my line in the sand…my boundary, and have stuck to it!
      PA Man broke the covenant of our marriage with his affair, and then the emotional abuse that came afterwards…like you stated, “There is NO marriage!”
      This last year has been eye opening for me…my co-dependency, not only in my marriage, but in other areas of my life…and breaking from from that!
      I am finding my voice….and I feel free!!!

  3. I am so impressed with this post! You sound so strong and so confident. The content itself is absolutely excellent as well. I am SO happy for you that it is obvious how much you are growing as a person and standing! God bless you! :)

  4. I am so happy to hear the confidence in your voice. :)

    Anyone who would throw the marital duties line at you in response to what he did is blind and prideful. Those people are showing a distinct lack of compassion and are NOT showing the fruits of the Spirit.

    You are doing a great job of surviving this soul-sucking abuse. You are so much stronger than you think.

  5. marsocmom says:

    Unless people have actually experienced the behavior and have seen it labeled as what it is, they don’t understand how it could be so bad. When I heard it described and labeled, a light went on in my head and I was able to begin crawling out from under it. You are doing so well! You are a strong and empathetic person with needs and wants and thoughts and opinions, and you are a survivor!

  6. Charis says:

    There was a time in my marriage when my mind strayed to another man. It happened during sex. I saw the other man’s face and imagined the other man instead of my husband.

    What I did with that was to immediately begin praying (yes during sex) and asking God to help me take my thoughts captive to obedience to Christ.

    You don’t think I have compassion. I think you misread me.

    My opinion (stated bluntly): You err not to take responsibility for your own straying mind.

    A wise counselor once told me in the midst of dealing with many many MANY difficulties of my marriage, “don’t do anything you will be ashamed of”

  7. Charis says:

    BTW I am familiar with power and control. The MC who worked with us in 2004 said in his 10 years of practice he had never had a client as controlling as my H.

    As I mentioned in a comment on another post on your blog, I stood with him in the courthouse last Friday and filed legal separation papers. The sense of relief and burden lifted is unexpected and welcome.

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