email from him

I received this email from him this morning:

Some time ago we talked to someone who recommended that we read the book, Love and Respect. From that book I learned much, especially about the “crazy cycle”, that we have been on for some time now. Briefly lack of love from the husband produces lack of respect from the wife and it continues around and around in a crazy cycle. Part of the way that I have responded to you and treated you was because we were on the crazy cycle. Since reading that book, I have made a conscious effort to try and stop the crazy cycle by making an effort to be loving, regardless of what lack of respect you gave me. It is as you can imagine, very difficult to always respond in a loving way when the other person is mostly treating you in a disrespectful way.

In the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura has a message to unhappy wives like yourself. Men are not as complex as women are and do not think and operate in the same way that women do. One of the things that you seem to judge me harshly on is by misinterpreting everything that I do or don’t do and reading some other meaning into it to gripe about. That is from Dr. Laura’s book. For example, your notion that I’m a passive aggressive person who is out to do whatever you think my evil plans are. That is just wrong. Do you do all the things that you do that irritate me because you are passive aggressive?

You make it abundantly clear that you are a very unhappy person. News flash, I can’t make you to be a happy person. In her book, Dr. Laura says to women that happiness is a choice and if you want to be a happier person, just pick one thing from her book and start doing it for your husband. Then if you want more happiness, do more things. It is that simple, but we have to mess things up by making them much more complicated than they really are.

Now is a good time for us to make changes in our lives for the better.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to email from him

  1. paescapee says:

    Nope. Just nope! I’ve deleted the first few words that I thought of writing as they aren’t repeatable. This all sounds very reasonable, and there certainly are circular dynamics in couple relationships and yes, there’s probably a bit of this going on. However, if one has been in a relationship for years and years with a person who has been completely oblivious or uncaring of the other’s distress, spiteful, selfish, unco-operative and refusing to take responsibility…..the only thing that would cause him to sit up and take notice is the fact that you are no longer being his total support system and this inconveniences HIM so he makes a temporary effort to get you back on track for HIS welfare. He evidently doesn’t care about the relationship or his partner, otherwise I feel he might have noticed your distress before now. Been there, done that, ended up with a handful of rings as he bought me a silver ring each time he re-committed to ‘change’. All attempts lasted until I began to relax and think he meant it, at which time his boiling resentment surfaced and he became even worse. Sorry to be so cynical but this is laughable.

  2. Sofia Leo says:

    You know what? He and Dr. Laura are right – only YOU can make YOU happy. Ditch this asshole and go off in search of your bliss, leaving his blame-shifting ass all alone to weep quietly into his self-help books.

    Sorry. That was not nice. I lived this sort of life for many years – the narc constantly told me that my unhappiness was rooted in my treatment of him and the only way I would ever be happy is if I “grew up” and “accepted responsibility” for all the times I “forced” him to be cruel to me. You could fertilize a very large garden plot with the pile of crap he wants to feed to you…

  3. lonelywife07 says:

    Ewww….this makes my skin crawl! What a freaking jerk! These abusers just HAVE to always blame someone, don’t they? God forbid they actually take responsibility for THEIR actions!

    Tonight PA Man looked at me and said, “Why are you so mean to me, you’re never happy with anything I do!” THIS after he let my dog, a 14 yr old Border Collie with BAD arthritis, fall out of my car onto his back legs…the legs that keep collapsing on him because of the arthritis…my sweet boy couldn’t walk after that for over 2 hrs! I was in tears, thinking I’d have to have him put down!
    I asked PA Man to stand by the car, because my dog wasn’t in all the way, and I was going to run inside and get a treat, to tempt him to move over a bit more so I could close the door…and stupid PA Man moves away from the door, and my sweet boy falls out!
    When PA Man made the above statement…I said nothing, but my son said, ” Probably because you had an affair with another woman…geez Dad!” I have to say, In spite of my tears…that made me smile.

  4. Jane D. says:

    Oh, geez, really? This email is textbook. “I was mean to you because you made me do it!” Yeah, right. “Now I’ve done the right thing for 20 whole seconds and you still haven’t come around.” Uh, yeah. How about doing the right thing because it’s the right thing? Does not sound like taking responsibility to me.

    Is that really what Dr Laura says? That your happiness is based on how many things you do for your husband? And that the more you do from him, regardless of his response to you & how he treats you, the happier you’ll be? That email he sent looks like “selective paying attention” to me. Also looks like most of the advice for Christian women – “Pray and be nice – he’ll come around”. Does not work with abusers. Believe me. In my own case I spent years trying to anticipate his needs, and cater to them, and what came of it was more selfishness on his part, and no self-giving ever.

    Sofia Leo, love your comments and totally agree!

    Surprisingly I’m pretty happy with my life even though I’m still with my emotionally abusive guy. It’s true that it is an inside job, but I got terrific help and have the support of many friends. I do my best to treat him right, with the courtesy and respect I would give any person.

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