feeling crazy

I have felt crazy today.

Maybe there is just too much going on.

I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks with some sort of weird cold/flu sort of thing.  I don’t usually get sick.  And when I do, I don’t usually stay sick very long.  Maybe it’s stress that has knocked me down so hard with this.

I have felt really lonely.   When I went to work each day, the people I worked with were like family.  They were my friends.  Now I don’t see them and I feel really lonely.  I’ve been able to visit two of my sisters and their families and my brother and his family.  That has been great, but for the most part, I feel really lonely.

I’m still going to Toastmasters each week, so I see my Toastmasters friends.  But mostly it’s just the meeting and not a whole lot of conversation before and after.

I did stop by the new office of a guy who I used to work with.  We both lost our jobs at the same time.  He actually got a job before he found out he was being let go.  It worked out perfectly for him.  Anyhow, I stopped by his new office and saw him yesterday.  That cheered me up.  And because of talking with him, I now have leads on three more potential jobs.  Maybe one of them will play out and be “the one.”

I’ve been going to the new therapist, too.  She’s really good, but I also think that it is kind of stressful working on old traumas.  She has told me that we can work on them at whatever pace I am comfortable with.  I want to get it done so I can feel better!  But she also recognizes that it takes a lot out of me to face these things.  I think that that is part of what contributed to my feeling crazy today.  Yesterday we worked on compiling a list of traumas and that is a lot to bring to the surface.  Then there were a couple more things that came to mind after I left the appointment.

Plus I’ve been eating wheat/flour.  I normally stay away from gluten, but the past few days, I’ve been baking and eating things I shouldn’t.  And it’s definitely taking a toll.

I have this thing that I do when I feel really, really crazy.  I count.  Not too fast, but not too slowly either.  But very, very deliberately.  All the way to one hundred and then I start over again.  I make myself focus on each number and that helps slow all the other crazy things going on in my brain.

It scares me, though, when I feel so crazy that I need to count.  I don’t like feeling that way.  Maybe the work with the therapist will help me get past some of the crazy feelings.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she will help me get past the crazy.

I haven’t been to the gym since I lost my job.  I think that is contributing to my not doing so well.  Going to the gym was part of my sanity.  I’m going to start going again on Monday.  I have to. I really miss working out.

Also, the yoga studio that I go to when I do yoga (which is not as often as I would like) has a free class on Monday mornings for those who are unemployed and job hunting!  So I am going to go to that class until I find another job.  Yoga always grounds me and settles me.  I wish I could afford to go more often than I do, but I can’t.  Maybe some day I will make enough to be able to go to yoga at least once a week.

Maybe all of this helps just a little to explain why I have felt a tad crazy today.

Oh, and the water is once again the color of apple juice, even though I just changed the water filter a couple of days ago.   Yay.  Just yay.

I know this is a long post, but thank you for “listening.”


This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to feeling crazy

  1. K E Garland says:

    I was going to suggest yoga because it helps you breathe and that might be good in addition to counting. Best of health to you.

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