Sometimes – too often – I feel like my life is some agonizing, never-ending endurance course, with each minute a struggle just to make it through every second.
And I wonder when the struggle ends. Will I always be like this? Will I always struggle so much? Will there ever be a wide, smooth place?
I know everyone has stuff. Many, many, many have it a whole lot worse than I do. But sometimes I see people who look like basically their life is pretty good with occasional dips. I know others who have gone through really rough stuff, but now things are nice for them. It makes me wonder about my life.
I have a tendency to think that just because something is this way now that it will always be this way. So I am stuck here in my life with a number of different things that are not what I want them to be. And I think it will always be this way.
I saw a saying one time that said, nothing lasts forever, not even your troubles. I used to repeat that to myself to encourage myself that something had to change sometime.
Something did change.
I lost my job.
After three months, I got another job and I’ve been on that job for a couple of weeks now.
I’d like to tell you about it, but I am also all too painfully aware that my blog is no longer a private sanctuary.
That’s another thing I struggle with. It really helped to be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings on this blog and feel safe here. Yes, sometimes there was some random critic, but on the whole, it felt good to be able to write what I needed to write, to release what I needed to release.
But I’m not really safe here anymore.
Tonight I needed to write, though.
Something else I struggle with is wanting to be loved.
For so, so, so long I denied that I needed to be loved, that my wants and needs were valid.
I think I’m starting to see that I really do need to be loved, that I do have valid wants and needs. (I have a really, really good therapist.)
And I struggle with believing that I am lovable, that someone could, would actually love me.
It’s really hard. It makes me crazy.
Sometimes I can see the good in me, the kindness, the caring, the humor, the empathy, the “cuteness.” But mostly I just see a blob. Yep. Just a blob that no one would care about or be interested in.
I try to tell myself that maybe there is hope, but mostly I really don’t feel hopeful at all. Ever.
I think that is the hardest thing. Living without hope.
I don’t think living without hope is really living.
I feel like a zombie. Still walking around, but pretty much dead.
I used to have hope. I used to hope that I would figure out what was wrong with me so I could make it better so the marriage would be better.
Yes, that is very much codependent thinking.
But I did have hope.
Now I don’t.
Well, my daughters love me and my sisters and brother and sister-in-law and brothers-in-law love me. That’s true.
But there is not someone to sleep with at night who actually, truly wants to share life. And wants to care for me. And will let me love him.
I guess that’s enough of my random, hopeless thoughts for tonight.