So. Just stop it.

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9 Responses to So. Just stop it.

  1. Jane D. says:

    The trick, I think, is how to disallow it without confronting it directly.

    When I got married, it was with the belief that if we had differences we would talk them out. Underlying that belief was that if my husband acted badly towards me, I must be causing it by something that I am doing. So, as things came up, I tried to confront them directly. As you’ve all experienced it’s almost impossible to do. My guy would shut down immediately or blow up and stomp off with problems such as where to hang a picture. With that kind of reaction you never get to the “big stuff” in marriage and life.

    My coping strategy in the last two years has been to get my own life, develop my own support system, try not to ask much of my husband (even normal kinds of stuff, like “Could you get something at the grocery store?”) and work towards a future that doesn’t depend on him. Along with that has come a ceasing of bedroom activity plus no physical “affection” (since it always involved groping or hurting me in some way, it was not hard to give up. I started flinching every time he touched me.), daughter and I doing a lot of things on our own (like trips & visits to friends), and no attempts to discuss any “real” stuff. (ie, retirement savings, future plans, etc.)

    I also learned how not to react to most of the things he does. Is he sitting on the couch sulking? I say hello and just get on with things, etc. Eventually non-reaction lead to much more aggressive behavior – ie, throwing things, cussing me out and hanging up on me while we were on the phone, etc. Lately he’s been in a “nice” phase. It makes me nervous and I’m letting down my guard a bit. . . too much I think. And I have seen more PA type behaviors. Really – I prefer the obviously aggressive behaviors.

    But – for people who say “Just don’t allow it” – they seem to think all you have to do is say something once and things will be great. Doesn’t work that way in the PA world.

    • You are right. PAs do not respect boundaries. Thank you for your insight.

    • Jane, terrific insight throughout your comment. Thank you. I, too, have been living detached, including separate beds with no physical contact, and almost no conversation. I encourage to get your guard back up. Mine recently used situations with the children that required us to interact more to rope me into long conversations filled with blame-shifting on to me and derision. All the while I was trying to explain what I am feeling and thinking, which just helped him confirm in his mind that I am bad and gave him more information that I am sure he will use against me later. I am kicking myself for dropping my guard and forgetting I can’t communicate with him this way except to my detriment.

    • Sarah B. says:

      I have created an entire life apart from my husband. All my friends are separate, my hangouts, my experiences, vacations, everyday life. The last time I truly let my guard down, I found out that the cause of my anxiety attack was a result of something that was single-handedly HIS fault. He decided to throw me under the bus to people that want nothing more than to gossip about whoever they can gossip about and I was literally smashed to my entire community over something that was absolutely none of their business. Even today, over a year and a half later, I still have neighbors looking at me like I’m an infection…and he did all of this to protect himself and his image of what was really going on at home.

      To this day, I haven’t tried to defend myself. I know that’s what they want. But I have asked him if he has told them the truth…which he hasn’t. He says, “I admitted the truth to you, so why should I have to explain it to anyone else?” Right. Because why would he do anything that didn’t make him look like the victim. Got it.

      All done with that bullshit. I have no more time for the games.

  2. GainingStrength says:

    These abusers (I refuse to call them men) are experts at what they do. Of course, they are not “aware they are doing it” or “doing it on purpose” it’s just what they do….sigh. And since that’s the case, it is of course all our fault. Escalation is mind numbing, who thought they could get worse? :D But they do, trust me. With age comes more entitlement, much more.

    I quit talking about my feelings or about anybody else with him. Why? Because he would store the information and use it against me. Towards the end he would use it within 10 minutes of me slipping and telling him something. But remember, he did not do that on purpose. :D Exhausting is the word to explain our lives. Agree? :D

    My worry is what effect it has on the children. Mine were definitely affected and not in a good way. Are you showing them that you should stay in a marriage no matter what? Are you showing your daughters how to treat their future husbands? Are you showing your sons how to treat their future wives and the treatment they should expect from their future wives? These abusers have messed with our minds and it will take a long time to undo what they did, but what about the children? I’m getting out with my kids being adults and I see glaringly the effect our marriage had on them, but the ones out there that have young kids still at home, give it a thorough think through and heartfelt prayer. It does affect the kids since they are living it, seeing it, hearing it, and feeling it. If not for you, do it for the kids…GET OUT!!!

    • GainingStrength, I want to get out so badly, but my physical health is in a dire situation with no solution. I have no family or friends who can make a difference. Custody is a very serious concern, and my kids do not want to end up in his charge. I know that the current environment is very hard on the children, but as far as I can see, I’m in a catch-22 until some light streams in through some crack I have missed. It grieves me deeply and wears me out constantly thinking and searching for some way out.

  3. lonelywife07 says:

    I agree….what does this do to the kids?? Anyone out there with older kids care to tell us how they are now? What problems do they seem to have dealing with life? Do they blame you for staying?
    My oldest son is married, has been for a few years..he seems to be doing good! My DIL says that they talk all the time, that he treats her very well!
    He’s VERY empathic to others…so that’s a plus!! Because I think that’s one of the biggest signs of PA…NO empathy!!
    My other three seem to be doing good…the second oldest sees how his dad acts, the silence, moodiness…He told me last week when PA Man was out of town that he likes it when he’s gone…I told him I agree, that I do too!
    And then we talked about WHY do we like it when he’s gone, since he rarely interacts with the boys anyway and since I refuse to talk about “marriage issues” anymore…PA Man seems happier…and we both agreed that it’s his toxic personality that makes things seem more “down” in the house!
    My other two boys always have their heads buried in a video game, so I really don’t think they notice much…BUT son #3 is very sensitive when tensions are running high in the house, so I don’t know??
    But what is happening to them inside…not having the loving relationship to their dad?? That’s what worries me…I try my best to laugh with them, spend time with them, listen to them when they want to talk, etc…but is it enough??
    I have a friend who’s husband left when her two boys were babies….and they are doing great!
    Both are in the ministry, married with families….so their momma’s love was obviously enough!!
    And I’ve heard three different Pastors, from the pulpit, tell the church that they are where there at because of their mothers!!! That their momma’s made a huge impact on their lives!
    I pray for my boys daily…asking God to protect them and help them to turn out to be great husbands and fathers…one day!

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Correction….PA Man does interact with my sons…he acts like a big kid himself…I’m the parent…mom AND dad!!

    • GainingStrength says:

      lonelywife, I would like to be able to tell how my marriage effected my kids who are adults now, but it would be too specific and the divorce is a long way from being final. All I’ll say is one is like him and the other is their victim. Some day I’ll tell more.

      You have to watch how they interact with each other not just your husband.

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