His mom was taken to the emergency room this afternoon because she is in so much pain. Hours later, she is still waiting to be seen.
Earlier this evening, my husband decided to go to the emergency room to be with his parents, to look after them in case they needed anything.
Neither his mom nor his dad are doing well.
Before he left, he wanted to give me a hug. We haven’t hugged in, oh, I have no idea how long. Weeks? Months?
I know he is having a hard time with his parents so I gave him a hug.
He held me so tight. He said, I love you. I love you so much. And he almost cried.
I know he is hurting.
But I know, too, that any closeness that he feels from this evening, he will do something in the next few days to push away.
He texted me from the emergency room to tell me that the ER was like a war zone.
He didn’t say anything about his mom, though. I had to text him back to ask about her.
I know this is a very difficult time for him and his family. I really do feel for what he, and they, are going through. But at the same time, I feel like I still have to detach because I know I will only be pushed away if I actually show that I care.
I hate being in this position.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Oh, the perils of loving a passive-aggressive. We want to believe that we are needed (particularly when the situation warrants what we know would require support), but we are also hyperaware of the punishment that lies afterwards when we allow ourselves to do it. Keep your head clear and strong. There are many of us out there hanging in the same balance.
-SB
Yes, this is a horrible position to be in. I have said hundreds, thousands of times that I don’t like who I have become or who I am around my husband. I am a loving nurturing woman who loves to make others happy but being with a P/A abusive man causes us to behave in ways that are not natural to us. When my husband’s mother was in the hospital, I stayed out of the entire situation and didn’t even go see her. I probably should have gone to see her by myself. part of the problem is that I don’t want to be around anyone with my husband because that is when he puts on a good show and pretends to be nice and care about me. I hate that! I hate him touching me and I pull away. The other issue that I have with his family is that they know what I deal with and don’t care. They live in denial and don’t care at all what their son does to me or how he harms me or our security. On our wedding day, his mother said, ‘ Well, I can wash my hands of him now that he’s your problem’. So, I admit that I’m as angry with them as I am my husband. Maybe it’s unfair of me to feel that way but I believe my husband is what he is because of them.
Also, I don’t know if any of you have experienced this but the last few times I’ve been around my husband’s parents, I’ve begun to notice that my father in law has the same P/A traits toward his wife. It’s so obvious now. I don’t want to end up like my mother in law though. Surely there is a way out of here. I’m so determined to make 2014 the year that I focus totally on getting out of here.
I’m in revenge mode now. I hope it lasts.
Liz, I think you are right about their family creating this in them. It was the way they were able to handle their childhoods. I never got to know my father in law very well before he died early in my marriage but I suspect he was the same way. The worst part for me and what I think reinforced this behavior in my husband was his mother put men on a pedestal and found woman worthless. She seemed to think she was one of the boys. So she was the exception to the rule. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around them. I also have that same feeling that I am not the real me. I have to have a tough exterior to keep him from hurting me. I am waiting to hear he has been served with divorce papers. In the mean time we share a house and it is nearly unbearable when he is home. It won’t happen soon enough for me. Here’s to all of us getting out in 2014.
totally agree with you Karen, I do not like myself with my husband and his behaviours, I feel like a stranger to myself. I react in ways I wish I hadn’t and I know understand that is what he expects and what he strives to achieve, to make me go crazy and then things go back to normal, it’s vicious vicious circle of push-pull, a battle of no-winners. It’s awful, his whole family is like that on both sides, it’s like history repeating itself… over and over and over again, and I hate the fact that my kids have been exposed to this, they are already showing signs of being in some way or another either the “victim” or the “victimizer”, I cry a lot about this, blame me for accepting all this crap for so long. But I decided not long ago to be happy and I changed my response name to that in the hopes that being positive brings the changes I need to make, I now know I cannot continue this way. So I understand Liz, keep going, one day hopefully sooner than later, all of us can make the changes we need to in order to get mentally healthy again and break that darn cycle. Happy New Year everyone – choose to be happy!