Here are questions that I have about my life that I run from, that I don’t want to face. I don’t have peace because I don’t have peace with these questions.
~Does God love me?
(My brother would say that the greater question is, do I love God?)
~Would God be okay with me leaving my husband? Or would He curse me?
~Would someone ever love me?
~ Could I marry someone outside my church?
(My church teaches that you can’t remarry if your ex-spouse still goes to church and even then that you can’t remarry someone who doesn’t attend the same church.)
One time, Julie, the therapist, said to me, “A loving God wants good things for you.”
I struggle with this. Too often I feel like I am seeking good in my life in defiance of God and this creates a huge conflict in me. I feel like I want things for me that God doesn’t want for me.
And if you suggest talking to my pastor… he believes I am an evil wife.
And if you suggest going to a different church… sometimes I consider it.
I think I view God as passive aggressive. This makes me crazy.
I don’t know. Maybe I want the answers to my questions. And maybe I don’t.
I just want love and joy and peace.