facing the questions

Here are questions that I have about my life that I run from, that I don’t want to face.  I don’t have peace because I don’t have peace with these questions.

~Does God  love me?

(My brother would say that the greater question is, do I love God?)

~Would God be okay with me leaving my husband?  Or would He curse me?

~Would someone ever love me?

~ Could I marry someone outside my church?

(My church teaches that you can’t remarry if your ex-spouse still goes to church and even then that you can’t remarry someone who doesn’t attend the same church.)

One time, Julie, the therapist, said to me, “A loving God wants good things for you.”

I struggle with this.  Too often I feel like I am seeking good in my life in defiance of God and this creates a huge conflict in me.  I feel like I want things for me that God doesn’t want for me.

And if you suggest talking to my pastor…   he believes I am an evil wife.

And if you suggest going to a different church…  sometimes I consider it.

I think I view God as passive aggressive.  This makes me crazy.

I don’t know.  Maybe I want the answers to my questions.  And maybe I don’t.

I just want love and joy and peace.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to facing the questions

  1. I’m not a fan of organized religion, so I may be the last person you want to hear from (I do believe in God, tho). Maybe it’s time to just talk to God, without the input of your church or the bible. Just sit and let God answer your questions. You deserve love. You aren’t an evil wife. You aren’t evil in any way. You get to make choices and you’re doing the best you can today.

  2. mixedemotions says:

    I think that God does not condone abuse, and that’s what you are living, HE will forgive you if you leave and never mind what your Pastor or Church says, God is in your heart not in a building or is not part of an Instition, it’s a methaphysical being.

  3. Okay. You know by now that I’m an atheist, but I have always considered religious people gifted in a way, because they can feel affinity with a higher being and can draw a sense of security from that. I have zero spiritual feelings myself, but I’ve always considered them a beautiful thing.
    But what you describe…
    Is this a religion, based on belief in God and feelings of spirituality, or is it a sect that keeps people trapped? The marriage rules sounds suspiciously much like a way of keeping believers in the same crowd and prevent mixing with other religions or even other branches of the same religion. And if a pastor believes one of those he should care for to be “evil” just like that (especially someone like you) I have my questions as well.
    I have always heard that the Christian God is a God of Love, so how can seeking good in your life be in defiance of him? Do you harm anyone with what you want? Do you commit a capital sin or break a commandment? I didn’t think so. Your therapist is right, a loving god wants good things for you.
    Seeking another church, with a pastor who can help you when your faith is in peril and without shitty marriage rules that make you feel like a sinner for wanting to be happy… that would be a good start.
    I wonder… if you view God (the way he is portrayed by your church) as passive-agressive, just like your husband… will leaving your church take you as much effort as leaving your husband is taking you?

  4. New International Version (©2011)
    Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. ( I think he approved it as long as you searched every avenue and you come to term that the heart has harden ) Again passive-aggressive behavior you start thinking something and they seem to spin your head to a point where you will never have no real clarity because if or when you explore ending your marriage. Exploring, come to terms that you have explored every road to heal your marriage. In that exploring you start thinking well if he would do this, or stop that. Make love to me. All of that is his responsibility and you can not control that part of your marriage. That is the suck part and then you realize…. you would do anything to stop the craziness and they act as if there was no craziness. I feel if you filed for a divorce you and God will be just fine. (as above stated, Jesus permitted Moses to grant divorces.) As far as your church goes, I too got away from the religion part of churches and found just a Christian church. I love it, I love church now, and no more people beliefs.

    Best of luck figuring all this out!

    P/s go back to basics check out this youtube video and think about what it is saying.

  5. Onedayatatime says:

  6. I was married to a man in ministry in a very conservative denomination. It took me awhile to realize how much I’d been brainwashed. The scriptures in Malachi about divorce are usually the ones cited for extreme positions such as the one your church adheres. Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery. He said he who is without sin cast the first stone. So if remarrying is adultery, then so is looking on someone in lust and who has never done that? All would be equally forgivable.

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