looking out for myself

This past Friday was my birthday, my fiftieth (wow!) birthday.

I made plans for myself, to do something for me that I wanted to do.

And I didn’t tell my husband.

Naturally, this upset my husband and, of course, there was a backlash.

I was going to write about all of this on my birthday and about how it made me feel.

But then I had a couple of thoughts.

The first one was this: there are many kind, caring, empathetic people in the world who can be concerned and respectful and have adult conversations and close relationships.  I would rather think about those people than about the toxic people.

That being said, I still had to process my thoughts and emotions and my reactions to his responses to having my own plans.  I just didn’t write about them on Friday.

My second thought on Friday was this.

I chose to marry this man.  I was not coerced.  I have stayed here.  I have not left.

I have made choices, so maybe I shouldn’t whine so much.

It’s like if I stood on a train track and did not get out of the way when the train was coming and then blamed the train when I got hit.

I’m not excusing his behavior.  He needs help even if he won’t face it.

But I, too, need help.  Which I am getting.

Because of a childhood trauma (or “incident,” as my therapist calls them), I grew up believing that I don’t matter, that my wants don’t matter, that my needs don’t matter.

I have been co-dependent all my life, making sure that other people were okay, that I didn’t upset other people, that I didn’t do anything that might upset the apple cart.

And I didn’t look out for what I needed.

So when I married, I married someone who could continue that childhood belief for me: that my wants and needs don’t matter.

I found the cartoon below on a website called “A Covert Narcissist’s Wife.”

I was going to publish it in a post titled, “It matters to me…”

But then I thought, no, it hasn’t mattered to me.  Or at least not enough.  I haven’t looked out enough for my wants and needs.  I have let others trample my heart.

At least I am in the process of healing so I can be better at looking out for myself.

And, yes, thank you, I enjoyed my birthday plans very much.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to looking out for myself

  1. GainingStrength says:

    Look into support groups. Domestic Violence shelters usually have them. It helps to know you are not alone. Others have trouble leaving their abusers.

    The nodding heads as you talk is priceless. You will find yourself nodding as they talk.

    Incredible…it really does help ease the shame of being abused. Shame the abuser and society wrongly places on the victim.

    You do not even have to talk, that is okay. Please try a support group, it is full of women who understand what abuse is and does to you.

    As to taking care of your wants and needs…I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and I still do not know what I want. Need? I needed to be free from my abuser. : ) Now I have the time to concentrate on me. : )

    • I’m in some pretty serious therapy right now. I’m going to an amazing therapist and I think she is helping make the progress I need. I will look into a support group as well. I know support groups can be really helpful. Thank you!

  2. nessa3 says:

    Im in therapy but struggling with a husband who is passive aggressive.
    I grew up with a narcissistic father and mother who was co dependant. My dad was very outwardly abusive verbally emotionally some physical. I made sure my husband wasnt anything like him.He is quiet speaks softly, never speaks down…great …right? After some healing…I find he is passive aggressive….very neglectful, doesnt do what needs doing and ends up costing more money do to neglect…he is a contractor…and does excellent work for others….we get half done, put offs.
    Ive always been one who has said my mind ….but anymore Im to tired and fed up…I feel I dont matter at all….then he does something out of the blue…and up and down the roller coaster we go, is it getting better? Was he just strapped for time and money? I try to give the benefit of the doubt…which leaves me screwed….Ive looked at pros and cons on staying leaving…I feel stuck.

  3. meekmillymusing says:

    Hi there I don’t know you nor do I fully know your story but I just wanted to drop in to give you some encouragement I suffered with co-dependency and ended up with an addict who often treated me like scum, swearing and being abusive to me :( I am thankful to say that today I stand restored and strengthened and I know my worth and I owe it all to the Lord Jesus Christ. I don’t know if you know him and I am not here to offend you or speak out of turn. I am just sharing my heart because I don;t know where I would’ve been if it had not been for His love, he removed the scales from my eyes and revealed to me true self (destroying continually the lies I had believed) and he continues to reveal all that he had hoped for me to truly be: He helped me understand that even in my frailty he loved me, even though I sort to be like a God to save my ex He made me understand that ONLY HE is GOD, ONLY He can SAVE!!
    He helped me understand how loved I was that while I was grotesque (in my eyes) he would send a saviour to save a wretch like me .
    He made me understand that in my weakness: He was strong !!
    I was worth it
    And the same is true for you Let him show you how you deserve to be treated. He has ransomed us, He paid a high price for us (in his death) and He longs for us to cry out to him so that he can come and do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or think.
    Psalm 139:17-18 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
    18 If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
    I also want you to know that you are not alone and I have said a prayer for you

  4. revengestar says:

    your husband is HELLA abusive. google character disturbance
    take care of yourself

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