I feel so empty inside. My heart hurts, longing to love and to be loved.
My body aches, wanting so badly to be touched, to be held, to make love.
My husband has been being nothing but kind since he forgave me. (See post.) But it seems all so meaningless and empty to me. I really couldn’t care less if he helps with dinner or not. Or brings in the groceries.
My heart still aches for so much more.
And underlying it all is a wariness – what is going to happen next? Is this all just a ploy to get me to let down my guard? To wear me down?
I hate the emptiness of the marriage. It has been that way for so terribly long.
Oh, and maybe he has been being kind, but he is still inane.
Last evening, I was lamenting the fact that I don’t have a bathtub to soak in. I love soaking in the bathtub, but our bathtub in this house is basically a rectangle with rounded corners. There is no slopping back. So if you try to soak in the tub, you end up with a crick in your neck because there is nothing to support your back. Who would install a bathtub like that?
So, every now and then I bring up the fact that I wish I could have a bathtub to soak in. I’ve even been thinking about going to a hotel for a night, just to soak in a bathtub and to sleep by myself in peace.
His answer to my bathtub regret is almost always, well, we could put a stock tank in the back yard and you could soak in that. Really? Really? It’s about freezing tonight. Sure. I am going to go soak in a stock tank in the back yard.
He told me it would only cost $150 to get a stock tank. And I asked how water was going to get into the stock tank. He said, the hose. And we could put in a circulating pump and a coil and I could build a fire to heat the water and then the coil and pump would circulate the heat. Seriously?
He said, I wonder how much it would cost to have the bathtub refitted? And I said, before or after the floor falls in? You see, the main beam holding up the floor is rotten, so one day, if nothing is done, it will fall in.
But does he really care? Nope. After all, that would take work and effort and planning and money to actually DO something to look after the house.
He told me to be just be glad that I don’t live in Nigeria.
Me screaming here.
Well, I guess I should go put my empty heart and lonely body back into bed and see if I can go back to sleep.