empty inside

I feel so empty inside.  My heart hurts, longing to love and to be loved.

My body aches, wanting so badly to be touched, to be held, to make love.

My husband has been being nothing but kind since he forgave me.  (See post.)   But it seems all so meaningless and empty to me.   I really couldn’t care less if he helps with dinner or not.  Or brings in the groceries.

My heart still aches for so much more.

And underlying it all is a wariness – what is going to happen next?   Is this all just a ploy to get me to let down my guard?   To wear me down?

I hate the emptiness of the marriage.  It has been that way for so terribly long.

Oh, and maybe he has been being kind, but he is still inane.

Last evening, I was lamenting the fact that I don’t have a bathtub to soak in.  I love soaking in the bathtub, but our bathtub in this house is basically a rectangle with rounded corners.  There is no slopping back.  So if you try to soak in the tub, you end up with a crick in your neck because there is nothing to support your back.   Who would install a bathtub like that?

So, every now and then I bring up the fact that I wish I could have a bathtub to soak in.  I’ve even been thinking about going to a hotel for a night, just to soak in a bathtub and to sleep by myself in peace.

His answer to my bathtub regret is almost always, well, we could put a stock tank in the back yard and you could soak in that.  Really?  Really?  It’s about freezing tonight.  Sure.  I am going to go soak in a stock tank in the back yard.

He told me it would only cost $150 to get a stock tank.  And I asked how water was going to get into the stock tank.  He said, the hose.  And we could put in a circulating pump and a coil and I could build a fire to heat the water and then the coil and pump would circulate the heat.  Seriously?

He said, I wonder how much it would cost to have the bathtub refitted?  And I said, before or after the floor falls in?  You see, the main beam holding up the floor is rotten, so one day, if nothing is done, it will fall in.

But does he really care?  Nope.  After all, that would take work and effort and planning and money to actually DO something to look after the house.

He told me to be just be glad that I don’t live in Nigeria.

Me screaming here.

Well, I guess I should go put my empty heart and lonely body back into bed and see if I can go back to sleep.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to empty inside

  1. wifeofpa says:

    I hurt for you and with you. I totally understand your emptiness and loneliness, it doesn’t matter how my PAH does whether it be good or bad, these feelings stay with me constantly so ingrained that sometimes I feel like there will never be anyone that will understand but then I read this and I feel supported by all the people who read you and comment. I get words of wisdom and strenght from all of you and I appreciate it.

  2. Sofia Leo says:

    Be glad you don’t live in Nigeria? Stock tank in the yard? Wow. Words fail me.

  3. giorge thomas says:

    Tell him if you lived in Nigeria you probably would at least have a bath to lie in.

    Really think about the bath, though. Is it the bath that you want? Sometimes when we’re without something emotionally, we want to fill the void with something else, anything else, to make us feel better: a massage, a bath…

    In all honesty, you’re being unkind to yourself and your husband. You can’t commit to a loving relationship to the man because you can’t get past the hurt. He thinks you can work on things and make it better – but from reading your posts it seems clear that you are beyond this.

    You are unable to commit yourself fully to your husband. You no longer want to have sex with him. How would you feel then if he went elsewhere for sex? Hurt? I’m sure you would be. Another bad thing your husband would have done. But take a look at what would drive him to do so.

    Which brings me back to the unkindness. And truth. You’re not being truthful to yourself, you’re not living a life of truth. You sound like a really nice person and despite your husband not being a nice man, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hurt him. Staying in this relationship is ultimately hurting him, just like it’s hurting you.

    You’re worried about your religious values. Talk to your minister. Yes, divorce is bad in the eyes of God, but so is infidelity and not respecting your spouse. I’m Catholic (hugely against divorce, the Catholics) and yet I received nothing but support when I was divorced. AND they did everything they could for me when I wanted to marry again, in the Church. I was supported because my priest knew what was more important than any of the other rules: Love.

    You worry about not having enough money to support yourself if you left. How will that be different from now, with a house that’s falling apart? You’ll be surprised what you’ll be able to achieve when you’re on your own and not burdened by this constant emotional blackmailing.

    When I told my first husband I wanted out he trashed the house (that I paid for and he contributed nothing to), broke all the furniture and cleared out all of my bank accounts. I had nothing.

    But I had my family. I had my tenacity. I worked hard. I look back at that time and wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. It was so easy. When you’re emotionally abused, you believe you are worthless and can achieve nothing, and I was quite proud of myself at well I handled it all.

    Don’t get to fifty or sixty before you realise that you’re the most important one here. That your happiness is all that matters. You don’t want to live with that regret.

    Or, of course, you can stay in the marriage, in a falling down house, with an abusive husband, and have your baths in the back yard in a stock tank. I mean, isn’t that the life that all Nigerians dream of?

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