Aftermath – experiences with relationships with a psychopath

Here are my answers to the open-ended questions part of the Victim Aftermath Survey:

If they begin to experience suicidal thoughts at any point during this portion of the study you should immediately stop participation in the study, seek attention from their local hospital emergency room and recommend that they go there to receive assistance.

1. Has your victimization affected your relationship with others? Do you notice a difference between your relationships before and after victimization?   I find myself thinking that no one would be good to me, that I don’t deserve to be loved, that there is something wrong with me, that no one would truly love me and appreciate me.  I find it hard to trust people, not in a malicious way, but in a wary way.  I tend to think that people are insincere when they compliment me,  because that is the way my husband has been toward me for twenty-five years.  I also find it hard to trust myself because of living with him.  He’s passive aggressive and passive aggressive behaviour is covert, rather than overt, and it leaves its victim feeling crazy.

2. Are you satisfied with your current relationships, if so what do you think is your most satisfying relationship and why? If you are not satisfied, why are you not satisfied, what is missing?  For the most part, I am satisfied with my relationships, except in my marriage.  My most satisfying relationships are with my daughters.  I also have good relationships with my siblings and my co-workers.  My relationship with my husband is deeply, deeply unsatisfying.  A passive aggressive man cannot truly love, cannot have deep relationships.  And this hurts me because I long for so much more in that kind of relationship.

3. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health problem or sought help for a mental health problem?  I struggle with depression.  A couple of times, a couple different physicians have suggested medication.  I’ve talked with a therapist several times in the past couple of years.

4. How did you first meet him or her? What happened? What was your first impression? What was appealing or unappealing about him or her?  We met at a college-sponsored beach party.  He seemed nice and he knew friends of mine.  But the next couple of times that I met him at college, I forgot that I had met him previously.  (Did I subconsciously know that I needed to forget him?)

5. Was there anything worrisome or unusual about their behaviours when you first met? If so, what were they? Where they common throughout your relationships? How did he or she try to explain them?  Looking back, he didn’t really support me emotionally when we were dating.  He was more interested in himself.  But at the time, I didn’t really realize that.  I tried to be kind and patient and understanding and give him the benefit of the doubt.  If I brought anything up to him, he always had a plausible, “noble” reason for his behaviour.  This has continued through-out our marriage.  He doesn’t support me emotionally.  He doesn’t make our marriage a priority at all.  He has absolutely no relationship whatsoever with our daughters.  He does what he wants to do.  If it suits him to be nice to me, he is nice to me.  But if he doesn’t want to help me, he doesn’t.  (You can visit my blog:  passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com for more information and examples.)

6. Was there any deception used in your relationship? If so, what kind of deception? How did you feel about this? How did you figure out deception was being used?  He comes across initially as a very nice guy.  He seems kind and helpful.  But in reality, he is very self-serving.  Over time I began to see that his words did not match his actions.

 

7. If you did express your thoughts or feelings about his or her behaviour to him or her, how did they respond? Was their response sincere?  If I express my thought and feeling to him, he blames me for the problems, he pouts, he portrays himself as the victim, he finds ways to subtly get back at me.  He NEVER admits that he could be at fault in any way.  And he will never bring up issues himself.  I don’t think sincerity comes into it at all.

8. How do you feel you were victimized?   This is a quote from the book, “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man,” but it describes very well the victimization that has occurred:“Although passive-aggression is fundamentally about one individual’s psychological conflict, it is most poignantly played out in the arena of a two-person relationship.  The passive-aggressive man needs an adversary – you – to be the object of his hostility.  He also needs someone whose demands and expectations he can resist.  Passive-aggression is often expressed through relationships and so appears to be a ‘relationship’ problem.  But more often than not, it is one person’s problem:  his.”   I feel like he has a lot of anger and hostility towards his dad, but he cannot act on that, so he takes it out – covertly – on me, by not giving me the love, attention, care, etc. that I need.  I think, too, that over time, he has come to hate me as well, but will not admit it.  Rather he behaves passive aggressively.

9. Did your family or friends know the victimizer? Do you know of their first impression of him or her? If they are aware of your victimization, how did they react to this?  Most of our friends were/are friends of both of us and they see him as a nice, funny guy.  They don’t see the passive aggressive behaviour.  Of my family, most of him think he is nice, or they try to get along with him for my sake, but aren’t necessarily comfortable with him.  My brother and sister-in-law see him for what he is and do not like him.  Initially, my family liked him, but, then again, he does come across as a very nice guy.    At one point, when we were dating, my mom told me that she thought he was too good for me.

10. Were there any changes in his or her behaviour leadings up to the victimization incidents? At what point in the relationship did these incidents begin? Did he or she ever try to explain them?  The passive aggressive behaviour has been there all along.  (We’ve been married twenty-five years.)   I simply did not realize what was going on until I learned about passive aggressive behaviour a few years ago.  Before I learned about it, I just thought I was crazy.  I will say that, about eight and half years ago, when we moved across the country to be next door to his parents, that the passive aggressive behaviour became much, much worse.   I have tried to tell him several times about passive aggressive behaviour specifically and he ignores what I say to him.  If I try to talk about specific instances, he blames me, becomes the victim, etc., as described in an answer above.

11. Were there any immediate effects of these victimization incidents on your well- being? How did you cope with the situation?   The immediate effects were emotional:  when passive aggressive stuff would happen, I would think I was crazy, that I was losing my mind.  I would think that I wanted too much out of the relationship.  I would think I wasn’t loveable, that somehow it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong.  I would think that if I would just do the right things, then he would love me.

If you experience any suicidal thoughts you should seek medical attention immediately. You will now be presented with the Debriefing Form is provided on the webpage with resources about victimization.