him: Hope you are having a good day
me: Not really.
him: I wish I could have given you a hug before you left this morning. Remember you are important, smart, beautiful, and funny, too.
me: Really? Then why do I feel like scum?
him: It may have something to do with focusing on negatives in your life instead of positives, like the superb job you did at toastmasters, that you are conscientious and hard working and you have a husband that loves you even though you don’t love him, etc.
"While it might be a mistake to give up on a relationship with a passive-aggressive man until all avenues for change have been explored, at some point, you must cut your losses. ..... To stay in a relationship that is harmful to you is not only pointless but self-destructive. This is one of the unfortunate costs of passive aggression: conflicts all too quickly escalate to the point where getting out is your only choice."
from "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man"
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Passive Aggressive Abuse
They ARE so full of themselves, arent they?? Makes me want to gag!
My day went like this….My PAH calls me at 11:38 to tell me he’s leaving the bank…it was payday today. Now EVERY TIME he gets paid and leaves to go to the bank, he calls me…first to tell me how much he got paid, second, to let me know he’s going to the bank.
But NOT today! Today he waits, until AFTERWARDS…WHY?
He knows this bothers me (goes back to his cheating on me, and not knowing where he was a certain times of the day!)
When I say to him “You’re LEAVING the bank???” He gets all defensive and starts making excuses. He FORGOT to call me….right. Sure he did! Everytime he gets in his car to go to the bank, he calls me. But today…he forgot. He said he has a lot on his mind from work, and he just forgot.
A 20 min drive and it never ONCE entered his head to call and tell me A. How much he got paid and B. that he was taking his check to the bank.
So I guess because I haven’t been sleeping with him this week, haven’t engaged him in ANY conversation, this is my “punishment”.
Then he has the nerve to text me and ask if I would go register his tag for HIS car…since it expired on Sept 1st. I texted him back…..”No.” He texted back “Why not?” I never responded. He called and I told him I was “to busy”. Then hung up.
Tonight I’m telling him I want to separate. Time to close this chapter of my life.
I hope that conversation went well and you are on your way to freedom. They should all be forced to live with each other.
He didn’t have much to say…said we’ll talk on SUNDAY….procrastination much?? Especially when you consider he’s leaving early Monday for a business trip…he’ll be gone all week.
I did try to get him to talk to me…I asked him what he thought about us separating, I was being very calm, told him its NOT what I want, but for my own emotional well being I felt I had no choice.
He said nothing…still…and then I told him that I had found a small, affordable apt. close by…and he said “No, if I move out, I’m getting an apt. closer to work, (25 miles away!!)
I then said to him, “Really ??” And he responded “Well, yes, I’ll be able to save on gas then, won’t I?
I then said, “And when will you see the boys…on the weekend?”
He looked at me and said “Oh, right, I guess that wouldn’t work, would it?”
I just shook my head and told him “Always thinking only of yourself, aren’t you?”
And that was the end of that….I fixed dinner, we ate, and he fell asleep for awhile….and then nothing from him when he got up.
So I guess he really doesn’t care, one way or the other…
Yes, they should be forced to live with each other!!! :}
I think he doesn’t believe you will really do it. Last fall when school taxes were due I told my husband. He normally would bring home the money to pay them from his business. He said he didn’t have any to bring home. I told him ok if we can’t pay the taxes then it’s time to sell the house. He said ok. Then I said when we sell the house it’s time to go our separate ways. He said ok like I asked him to pick up milk while he was out. Then he walked out the door. I am working on the leaving part but it it taking much longer than I hoped. He tells every one we are divorcing but does nothing to help make it happen. My daughter says he is too comfortable the way things are. He even started dating.
It is unbelievable to me how you could say something like that to him and then he could take a nap.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? Check if you are still entitled to support if you are the one who moves out. I would get all my ducks in a row then make my move. Don’t back down. It won’t change. It may get better for a little while but it won’t really change. Let me know how you are.
Taking a nap… SO SO SO PA!!! What a way to say, I don’t want to deal with this. Just complete checking out. Yes, please do talk to a lawyer. And Karen is right – you’ve gotten this far; don’t back down!
Nope, I’m not backing down! He’s been gone since Monday and I LOVE it! Don’t miss him at all! And neither do my boys! The tension is GONE from the house! I feel I can breathe!
He’s been all nice and sweet on the phone when he calls in the evening…tells me he loves me and misses me….Bleh! I DO NOT tell him I miss him….he’s not getting me to play his stupid game!
So my son and DIL came over Sat. night…my DIL had called me and she could tell I’d been crying and asked what was wrong…so I started sobbing….it had been a BAD day!!
She keeps trying to talk to me, and all I could say is divorce….anyway, they got in their car and came right over….My son walks in and tells his dad “This has GOT to stop, Dad! You NEED help!!
My sweet DIL came over to me and stood there, not saying anything, just rubbing my back….I’m so blessed with all my kids! :)
So the PAH says that we will talk AFTER my son and DIL leave….I said “No, lets talk now, while they’re here…He said “No, after they leave, we don’t them as mediators!” Whatever!!
So they left, and we did talk a bit…but it was all excuses and blaming me…you all KNOW how it is!
But this time…I recorded it on my Ipad!! I want proof that I’m NOT crazy!! I listened to it later and laughed…he truly DOES twist everything around, and blame me 90% of the time! ;)
My DIL called me the next day and said that she and my son talked and they saw first hand just how selfish my husband is! HA!!! FINALLY!! He’s always so careful to be the charmer when others are around!
Sorry, I guess this shouldn’t be a “contest” of winning others over to “my side” but after all this time of him making me seem like the crazy one…it’s NICE to finally have my kids seeing and understanding just how hurtful and damaging this is!
So his move out date in Feb1st….My therapist asked me today why that date…and I told her I want my family to have one last Thanksgiving and Christmas together….we have a huge Thxgiving every year, lots of friends come over, so I don’t want that ruined…We can tell the boys in Jan that dad is moving out, and he can move out on Feb 1st…gives them a few weeks to get use to the idea….I want to make this as smooth a transition as possible…my youngest is the one who will be the most upset, but I’m starting him in counseling in Oct. so hopefully that will help him adjust.
So that’s it for me. I’m not backing down AT ALL!!! He doesn’t start making some MAJOR, as in life changing decisions and attitude change…he’s gone!
I do believe he CAN….but how badly does he want to?? Now that’s the BIG question!
They always have to get that little barb in there somewhere don’t they?
oh yes, conversation from last week: “I did this, and I did that, and they told me this and whatever this and whatever that, and I this and I that…” I actually tuned out at some point (typical guy thing right!!! but no I’m a woman) and I TUNED OUT!!!! I actually started giggling at some point all by myself, then he says: “what’s so funny” and I had to say “well what you just said” of course I couldn’t remember what that was, lolllllllllll