life-destroying vs. life-giving

Last night, I got a massage.

Until this week, I’ve only had three professional massages in my life.  (See post.)

I LOVE getting a massage!  My goal in life is to be able to afford to get a massage whenever I want!   :}

We’ve been at a vacation spot this past week and I saved money all year to be able to get a massage while we were here.

The past two years I’ve been here, I’ve gotten a massage at the spa at the resort near where we are.  This year, though, that spa closed, so I had to find another place to get a massage.

I’ve only had massages with ladies in the past and I wondered what it would be like to have a massage with a man.  So, when I google to find a new place to get a massage, I looked for a man.

I found one.   I booked a ninety minute massage.  It was great!   His knowledge was incredible; he’s been doing massage for twenty years!  (He’s about my age.)   And his touch was perfect.

That was three days ago.  Ever since that massage earlier this week, I’ve been craving another one.  But it’s expensive and I didn’t really have time.  So, as much as I wanted it, I tried not to think about it.

Then, after the night before last, when my husband said all those things to me (see previous post), I wanted another massage even more.

So yesterday, I called and left a message, asking if by any chance he did evening appointments and asking if maybe he had any time available that evening.

He didn’t call back all afternoon and into the evening, so I figured either he didn’t get the message or he didn’t do evening appointments or that it just wasn’t meant to be.

I spent the afternoon with my daughter and we were at dinner when he called.  It was eight o’clock.

He said he would do an evening appointment and he would make it work to do it that evening.   He was already at home, but he came back to the studio and gave me another massage.

So, for another hour and a half, I lay on a heated bed in a dim room with relaxing music and was touched.

It was so different from the night before.  When my husband said those things to me, it was like the life was being sucked out of my.  I felt worthless, destroyed.

Gary took the time to make an appointment work for me, to give me what I wanted.  His touch is incredible.  And even though massage is his job, it was also an intimate, caring thing.

He is very professional and nothing at all was inappropriate in the least.  But he also understands so much about massage and emotions.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Even when we met before the first massage, just the way he was explaining his approach, it was intuitive.  And the way he massages is very intuitive as well as very knowledgeable.

At one point during the massage that night, he entwined his fingers with mine to hold my hand while he was massaging my arm.  I started crying.  I long so much for a close, intimate relationship.  It wasn’t him personally, but just the desire to be cared for and to be touched in a loving way.

The massage last night was over at ten fifteen.  I came back and got into bed.  Thankfully my husband was already in bed and I didn’t tell him where I had been.

This morning I woke up so relaxed and so happy.  I haven’t felt happy like that in a long time.

Maybe it was just the human touch.   But it was wonderful.  It was life-giving.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to life-destroying vs. life-giving

  1. Jwhowhat says:

    It’s do weird that I understand what you wrote about being touched. When I had sex with a man at a conference this past spring, one if this things that I relished and enjoyed the most was the actual skin-to- skin naked contact with a man. Who knew that I missed/needed that SO much?? I certainly was so shocked by that!! It was wonderful and like you said SO unbelievably life-affirming!!! God. Someone’s besides me experienced that! Awesome! You hold to that as I have these past few months. It Is important to Remember how we felt. It matters. To our lives as women now and for our future. Soulmates….:))

    • I’m not really a “touchy” kind of person, but I often crave loving touch so badly I can hardly stand it!! Yes, I will continue to remember it. That is one reason why I wrote about it. I hope that if I am fortunate enough to be able to be with someone else, that he will will know how to love me, to touch me in a meaningful way!!!

  2. Karen says:

    That sounds wonderful. It gives hope.

  3. “The desire to be cared for and to be touched in a loving way” – I understand exactly how you feel and I’m so glad you experienced it.

  4. Expat says:

    Go to as many massages as you can afford! I believe the touch releases oxytocin which is a feel good hormone that I believe is the same one that releases after sex. I could be wrong, someone please correct me if I am.

    I used to go for massages when I was with my ex PA husband. Strangely, he was the one that started it. He went in one day and got a massage then told me about it a few weeks later. He wanted to go back and I guess not have to hide it? so he convinced me to go with him. So I did and I was nervous about it – because my ex never touched me or kissed, hugged or even wrapped his arms around me. Growing up my family wasn’t affectionate either. I grew up actually flinching if people tried to touch me – on the shoulder etc. I had to train myself not to make any physical flinch motions but just secretly cringe inside. So you can see how I wouldn’t think to go have a massage myself, it would be too awkward. But I went and it was wonderful. After the first time I was hooked. I would go back ever so often telling my ex that it was mostly for them to work on my arm/hand that had carpal tunnel, but really I just wanted to be touched. It was so calming – the dimmed room, the music and the touch. I can totally see why they say babies who are touched in the NICU have a better change of thriving.

    • My family wasn’t really affectionate either. The first time I went for a massage, even though I really wanted a massage, I was also really nervous about being touched. I became more relaxed with the next two massages I had (all three with ladies), but I was unbelieving relaxed with Gary, especially the second time. Maybe it was his experience or his energy or my need for male touch. Whatever it was, it was incredible.
      My husband knew I got the first massage with Gary. I didn’t tell him about the second one.
      And, yes, it’s oxytocin that gives that wonderful feeling from being touched and having sex.

  5. Jwhowhat says:

    Wow, guys. You’ve given me a whole new outlook on massages! LOL. Maybe that IS a good idea for those of us who NEVER get touched anymore. Being touched that one night was an actual revelation to me! Seriously. I am a pretty smart woman, but I NEVER considered/knew that I was missing that one thing… WAS wonderful, and I wish all of you great women that same exact experience. If we don’t control our physical lives, who will? Our husbands? Pshaw!! Like that’s gonna work out well!

    One thing I have learned deeply within the past year or so, and which is reconfirmed to me almost daily – is to not be the VICTIM in my life. Uck. Not an example that I want to send to my daughter or son.

  6. gpss365 says:

    So glad you were able to enjoy a nice massage even if he was too professional to give you a happy ending. if you know what I mean. If you aren’t ready to go elsewhere for sex, and you need it, just fuck your husband and imagine that he is your winker friend. make it like nothing you have ever done with him before. when you have an orgasm, then say something like, damn winker’s name, that was good. just a thought. it would serve the bastard right.

    • Well, I wasn’t looking for anything more than a professional massage with Gary, so that’s okay. Although, there was one time when he touched me in a certain way that I felt myself getting aroused… I doubt that was his intent, though.
      I don’t think I can ever have sex with my husband again, no matter who else I think about. And I certainly would hope that “my winker friend” is a MUCH better lover than my husband!!! :}

  7. Karen says:

    It almost seems as though he would have been open to something more. He made an extra effort to come back late in the evening. The hand holding and the touch you mention above. Seems like a little more than a massage. Not that you would have or should have but I think the possibility was there. Seems like something special happened and gives hope for the future. You could have more in a relationship than you have with your husband.

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