random, crazy thoughts….

I feel old, ugly, fat, unlovable.  I’m tired.  Tired of all of this going on and on and on.

I work so hard at the gym, but I don’t see much of a difference.  A lady at the gym says she can see a big difference so that is encouraging to me.  And once the man who sometimes winks at me told me I didn’t need to go to the gym to lose weight.  But I still feel discouraged.

I wonder if I will always feel discouraged about my life.

I want sex.  My husband wants sex.  But I don’t want sex with him.  It hurts too much emotionally.

I’m doing the crazy, bang-your-head-against-the-wall thing again:  I started thinking, maybe if I’m really warm and sweet and generous, then he’ll be good to me and everything will be okay.

“They’re coming to take me away….  ha-ha..”

I wonder what love feels like.  I really do.  I wonder what love feels like.  Have I ever felt loved?  Am I asking too much?

Friday will be my twenty-sixth wedding anniversary.  Twenty-six years.  Really?

I feel really crazy.

I have to go make dinner now and wash dishes and wash laundry.

And tomorrow’s another day….

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to random, crazy thoughts….

  1. jwhowhat says:

    From what u say – no I don’t think you ever haver been loved. Not the way we want to be. But no- it’s not asking too much. You r not crazy but like a lot of us you have lived this way SO long that u can hardly understand that it is Not ur fault. Those of us who have lived with PA men for a long time (40 years for me) are so used to being confused that we have trouble believing that we are not crazy. I used to actually tell my husband during arguments that I felt like I was crazy. Through this site and others I have come to understand what’s been the problem all along. Please know that u r not alone.

    • Yes, after living this way so long and wondering for so long if I was crazy, it is hard to stop thinking that way! Somewhere I read, I think in The Language of Letting Go, that if you are feeling crazy it is because there is a discrepency between word and action. So if he says that he loves me, but then acts like a jerk, then I feel crazy wondering if I don’t understand what love actually is! And boy did that just sound crazy!!!

  2. Jwhowhat says:

    Also I just heard something very inspirational to me from, of all sources, a TV show. Anyway, it was that “if I really want something in my life, I can have it if I make up my mind to have it.” There us nothing I can’t have if I just do what it takes to get it. We all can do this. Whether it is a healthy relationship, good sex, emotional sustenance – it is in US to get ur in our life. Not up to anyone else. Go get it.

  3. Its hard to view things normally when you are in an abnormal dysfunctional situation. It is only when you are able to extricate yourself from this, that you can actually ‘see’ what was really going on.

    As for ‘real love’, you’ll never know unless you put yourself back out there again. I know that you’ll find someone else to love again one day as will I. We just have to get back out there and find them :o)

    • Yeah, being in a crazy-making situation does make it hard to think clearly. So many days I don’t even want to come home from work because I don’t want to have to figure it all out.

      And, yes, I’ll have to go out there to find that love because it’s certainly not here! Here, it’s like I’m living with a little kid who only wants what he wants and pouts when he doesn’t get it. And if I want something different than he does, well, then, I am wrong.

  4. I’m going to respond to the less-deep part of your post — the gym, the weight, your appearance. I’m 51 and perimenopause is kicking my a-bit-too-wide butt. Everything you’ve ever heard about middle-age is true, darn it! It’s hard to just maintain your weight, much less lose any, after about age 45. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to the gym and work your tushie off. It’s good for your heart and your health…and you get an endorphin release, so all good! Just do it for yourself and your good health!

    • I think going to the gym is one of the best things I do for myself. You are right – it is good for my heart and my health and I do get that endorphin release!!! And it does combat stress. But, yeah, that perimenopause stuff is wicked!!! Between stress hormones and female hormones and my chocolate addiction, I feel like I’m never gonna win!!! I do like the muscles I am building, though! And maybe someday somehow, I’ll figure out how to get the fat off! Thank you for the encouragement!

  5. Childofthetruth says:

    Instead of worrying about someone loving you, begin with YOU loving you! Ask yourself, “do I love me?”

  6. Zoe says:

    Wow 26 years. 26! I’m curious – was it always like this with him? If so, you have done your time! There is absolutely no shame in moving on. You have tried and tried. Now it’s time to do what you need to do for YOU. Sending hugs your way!

  7. Laura says:

    I can relate to so much of this. I think the hopelessness leads to depression and the depression makes you feel hopeless and it’s a never ending cycle until you decide to break it. I think taking care of yourself by going to the gym is a great step in that direction. Keep it up!!

    When I was married I was diagnosed by a counselor with “situational depression” meaning, my situation was depressing me. Yep, it sure was. When I left my husband I actually felt better the very next day. Funny how that worked.

    Lately it seems that I’ve been coming across so many blogs where I can totally relate to what I’m reading. This is one of them. I can see myself in your words sometimes and I wish I could offer you some magic piece of wisdom to help, but I think that we all have our own journey to make and it is different for each of us. I think you’ll know what you need to do when the time is right for you. Let me share a tiny bit of my story though, on the off chance that it helps: my marriage had the same sex issues (I wanted sex but couldn’t bear it with him), I was paralyzed by fear and finances for a while, and sometimes I was even paralyzed by the hope that things would get better. When I finally realized that it wasn’t ever going to get better and I needed more for my life, I moved on and never looked back. Granted, my situation was different, we only shared 6 years together and no kids. But the best part of it was that when I moved on I finally took time out to take care of me, nurture myself, and do the things I love to do (there was no one there to sabotage my efforts anymore!). I took some time and emotionally rebuilt myself from the ground up. I finally began to feel at home in my own skin and I felt truly alive for the first time in years (again – no sabotage)! Then when I felt strong and ready I started dating. This time I knew myself and I had my boundaries well in place. I had no high hopes but the crazy thing is, I have actually found love. It is possible. It does exist. It turns out that I’ve never been in love before, not like this. It is the most amazing feeling in the world to find love with a kind, gentle, patient man. It makes every single step of the journey worth it. I wish the same for you. Heck, I’m living proof that it’s possible.

    I hope you regain your strength, fill your life with adventures that bring you joy, and find real love. You deserve it!

    • Thank you for sharing a little of your story! It is very encouraging to me to hear stories like that! I do feel more alive when he is not around – imagine what it would be like if he was never around!!! The children are not an issue for me. One already lives in another state. And both of my daughters won’t even speak to him as it is. I just need to get myself into a place financially to leave. And I need the courage to leave. Again, thank you for your encouragement!!!

  8. Liz says:

    I am in one of the most horrifying PA marriages you could even imagine. It’s been 15 years of pure hell. I won’t share all the details here and now in this post but I came here this morning out of a desperate need for sane support after having dealt with yet another episode of my husband’s insanity. I haven’t had sex with my husband in many years and there is no way I ever will again. If I’m going to die in this marriage, I want to die with my dignity ( what little I have left) in tact. I would rather have sex with a complete stranger!
    Sorry that I have nothing positive to offer this morning. I’m having one of those days and I’m sure I don’t need to explain what that means.
    I keep having dreams that I’m going crazy- literally. I am afraid that I’m going to end up in a psych ward. I’m feeling as though living in a hospital would be easier than living here. The only thing keeping me alive and at home right now are my dogs but I’m even at the point where I’m losing that attachment as well. I’m scared.
    At this point, I’m just a shell of a woman. I’m so isolated, no family. No one has any idea how I live. My husband’s family is of no help of course.
    I can’t find a job, I’m broke and my PA husband deliberately keeps us down and out by losing money, wasting money, doing work for free.
    Have you ever wondered if your husband has multiple personalities? I mean, I can have a business meeting with my husband and ” discuss’ something and the next day, he does the opposite of what we agreed on and then says, ‘ You knew I was going to do that”. It makes me crazy. I never know who I’m talking at. I say talking at vs. with because my husband never has anything to say really unless it’s petty small talk about nothing.
    We’ve been married since 98 and we have a business together. Imagine that. Imagine the double dose of hell I deal with every single day. I’m so beaten down, so worn out I can barely think anymore. It’s a miracle that I can even write this post.
    Feeling special as a woman, as a wife? No. I’m the parent of a rebellious teenager. I sleep with my enemy, I work with my enemy, I eat with my enemy. I never have received a thoughtful gift from him..EVER. In about the last 10 years, I’ve not received any gift from him. One Christmas, I threw him out for lying to me about a serious matter and decided to return all his gifts that I bought him and save the money for my escape one day. He came by the house Christmas morning to get some more clothing and of course, plead with me to allow him to come home. He noticed that the gifts I had for him under the tree were gone and that the only gifts under the tree were for me from two friends of mine. He got so angry that he told me since he could not have his gifts that I could not have mine. Keep in mind that there was not a single gift under the tree from him to me. Yet, I could not have the gifts from my friends?
    My husband doesn’t notice or care if I’m well or sick, sad or happy. In 05, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my husband didn’t do anything to help me. He didn’t say a word. He’s not even capable of faking concern. Yet, I know he would attend my funeral and cry, etc… That’s why I have a will that states I don’t want him anywhere near my funeral, if I even get one. When I was sick, a dear friend came to live with me to help me get my matters in order. My husband never showed an ounce of concern and even stole my pain medication and took it himself.
    I don’t/won’t attend any of his family functions or social functions with him anymore. I haven’t in a couple of years. I simply won’t give him or his family the satisfaction of believing everything is ‘ ok’ when it’s not. I’m always caught between a rock and hard place. If I go, I end up hating myself more for allowing myself to be used to support his perfect innocent image and if I don’t go, I feel bad for allowing him to cause me to become something that I’m not- a seemingly uncaring person. Being caught between a rock and hard place is really what PA abuse is all about. There’s a no win for the victims EVER unless we leave them altogether.
    That’s ENUFF venting for now.

    • “There’s a no win for the victims EVER unless we leave them altogether.” YES!!!!
      I’m sorry that you are living in hell. I wish you well, and hope that you can find a way to get out. And please ~ feel free to vent ANYTIME you want to!!!! Take good care of yourself!!!

  9. Karen says:

    I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking of you. I have read your entire blog but have never commented. I think today is your 26th anniversary. My 26th was May 9th of this year. We have so much in common including an addiction to chocolate chips. I eat a big cupful every night with a glass of milk. And of course there is the passive aggressive husband. I never even knew until this past year that there was such a thing. It’s nice to finally understand what has been wrong all of these years but sad that there really is no hope. I hope you are doing as well as possible today.

    • Hi, Karen, Thank you so much for thinking of me and leaving this comment on my anniversary. I was really touched! :} Yeah, what would we do without our chocolate chips!!!! In fact, guess what I’m eating now… My marriage became more understandable when I finally figured out that he was passive aggressive. Not really easier, but at least I found out that I wasn’t crazy. It is sad that there is no hope. I think I keep hoping, which is sad, too, because at some point I think I will have to stop doing that. Maybe it is easier for me to hope than for me to leave. :{ But thank you again for thinking of me on my anniversary. :}

  10. Jwhowhat says:

    SO lonely tonite. My PA husband came home yesterday after being gone for a week training for a new job. But gosh, he seems so distant and cold. I have my college age daughter home, thank God, and she is so engaging and warm and funny. But my H got SOmad at me last nite for some reason, not sure why and WILL not ask, and has Bart spoken to me all day. Cannot lay this burden on my d, so you women R what I have. I think Constantly(too bad for me) of the man with whom I had a sexual encounter a few months ago. I am NOT in love with him, but I so much miss the feeling of being a womanly woman that I experienced with him that nite. Gosh I’m lonely….

    • Jwhowhat says:

      How do u leave when there are children, friends, a life? Anyone done this? NEVEr thought I would seriously contemplate it. SO complicated and so many interconnections But I am SO miserable with him. I deserve better, and I have told him that he duz too. God. 63. And starting over duznt scare me but the changes in my life do. Plus my kids – aged 27 and 21 Wisdom anyone?

      • Liz says:

        The only wisdom I can share from my own miserable chair is that when you are happy, you have the ability to make others happy/happier and others will be happy for you and more good things and people will come into your life. If you are financially secure and can leave, what are you waiting for woman? !!! Life is waiting for you to show up! Children and friends will always be there no matter where you live and your children are grown adults. If any of them would rather you live an unfulfilled unhappy life, then they don’t deserve to have you as a mother or friend.
        If I had a job and was financially secure, I would leave immediately, move far away and never look back. As it is, I’m stuck for now in this hell and trying to cope as best I can and stay positive despite how hopeless I feel.
        Why waste another moment just wishing for happiness you can have now?

      • I think Liz is right. I agreen that your children are grown and you need to make your decision for YOU and not for your children any more. They have their own lives now. Also, you will find out who your true friends are. If they truly love you and support you now, they will still love you when you leave. If they don’t support you when you leave, maybe they aren’t true friends. I would imagine that in a small community, it would be difficult to leave. But this is YOUR life. YOURS, not your childrens, not your friends, not your communities, YOURS. You have to make a right decision for YOU!!! And if you find that none of your friends and no one in your community supports you, you have the option of moving to another town and building new friendships. And, who knows! There may be other women in your community who are in the same boat – maybe they don’t have the courage to leave and feel that they are all alone. Maybe you can build a new support group for those in troubled marriages. But whatever you do, make it YOUR decision, and NOT based on what someone else thinks!!!!! Take good care of yourself!!!!

  11. Jwhowhat says:

    Wow! You speak truth. And I guess u know this deep inside. But our friends r a social group of wome and men eh we have known for a long time. It is a couples group that would NOT be able to accommodate me as a single. But ur so right. What kinda friends r they if that happened? They r s beautiful, feisty group if women who r string and accomplished to varying degrees. But….don’t know how they could/would deal with me as a single. We live in small Midwestern town god help me. And my neighborhood, subdivision and life gave been my sanctuary. But maybe too much so, I hear you say! I asked for wisdom, so I have to be prepared to consider it even if it takes me outa my comfort zone. Thank you do much for even replying !! I feel so much less alone with you women. I often have told him I would leave but always would poo-pooh it and deride the thought without really EVER trying to find our Why. He just always made me feel guilty for those strong feelings and turned it into a diatribe about what an ineffectual, silly woman I was. I took that to heart! God forgive me. I guess deep down I always hoped it would make him wonder what he did wrong. Instead, he just turned if around in me and made me feel guilty for being u happy!! I internalized that. And still do. Despite being an accomplished lawyer, law school professor. And a woman who lost 54 fucking pounds 9 years ago and had kept most if it off. Lessons learned early in life – we were married at 22 – stay with you u guess. Again, thank you SO much for replying. You do t know how much that means. I will consider your wisdom.

    • Liz says:

      You can’t make him grow a conscience or become emotionally available if he has nothing to give. As it is now, his life is working for him apparently and that is why he stays. Empty threats are just that and mean nothing to them. I don’t tell my husband I’m planning to leave and won’t tell him. What’s the point in doing that if I’m not ready to walk out the door? Empty threats only lead to more PA behaviors and even more loss of respect.

      Are all of your friends immortal? I mean, what the heck happens if a spouse dies? Do they just ban the survivor them from the arena? Divorce and separation can be a challenge to maneuver socially but there’s no reason for things to get ugly and friends to feel they must take sides. Just communicate to your friends what you are doing and leave out all the details of why. Sometimes people just fall out of love or outgrow their marriages or their jobs and they should move on. I think maybe you’re the one who is more uncomfortable with the idea of being single than they are or perhaps appearing as the trouble-maker?

      You’re not alone in this marriage dynamic. PA issues or not, many couples stay together because it’s easier- especially when they are more mature and settled. But, being unhappy is a waste of time and energy. I know I would lose weight if I could get out of here. The stress and unhappiness keeps me fat…..fat and unhappy!

      Have you and your husband tried therapy? Couple’s therapy?

      Have you ever considered just leaving for a few months?

  12. mourninglight says:

    Before I head off to bed, I wish to somehow reach out and encourage you. I read through a few archived posts in your blog, and plan to read more soon. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. I do believe there is a path out of the insanity, and that you’ll feel yourself coming to life when you’re on it. Be kind to yourself. Be very kind to yourself.

    • Thank you. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I do beat myself up a lot! I say things to myself that I would never say to anyone else!!! I hope to one day not feel so crazy and to feel much more alive. I really do appreciate your encouragement!

  13. Tish says:

    You are neither unloveable nor crazy (or the other self-deprecating references. Hang in there ((((hugs))))

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