He does this to me sometimes. He sends me on a wild goose chase. I think I may have even blogged about it before. And I’ve noticed that it is almost always is in regards to something for one of his parents.
Today he emailed me at work and asked me to find an obituary for a certain person. But he wasn’t sure how her name was spelled.
So I tried, but I couldn’t find anything,
I emailed him back and asked what city she lived in and when she died. He emailed me back that information.
I searched again and I still couldn’t find anything.
So I asked him the name of the funeral parlor.
After a little while, he emailed me back and said he didn’t know and that he would search for it himself later on. His mom had seen the obituary in the paper and he wanted to find out more information for her. Or, rather, he wanted me to find out more information so he could give it to her.
So why exactly was he having me do all of this for him when he 1) couldn’t give me all the info I needed to do the search and 2) would just do it himself later???
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been suckered into something like this. He asks me for help on something and I, being the nice me that I am, give it my best shot, but…. then it’s not what he wants after all.
Ugh!!!
Oh, and driving home I was thinking about this and I remembered that I had given him a hair-cut last night. (He hasn’t been to a barber since we got married; I’ve always cut his hair.) So was this possibly a “push away” response to me doing something for him? Or was it simply coincidence that he sent me on a wild goose chase today?
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
He’s simply a dick. He sent you on the wild goose chase because he can, because it meant that even though you were not with him, you were “with” him, doing his bidding. Can’t tell you how many times the narc did the very same thing. Only very rarely was the result of my chase what he wanted – more often it was (yet another) excuse to let me know how inadequate I was.
Ha! He IS simply a dick. Well put, Sofia.
So why exactly was he having me do all of this for him when he 1) couldn’t give me all the info I needed to do the search and 2) would just do it himself later???
Because he can and you will. If you want this behavior to stop, you are going to have to react differently. Try to have some pre planned responses ahead of time. Like this time you could have said: I need to finish up this project so while I am doing that, get more information. He could care less about the search results he just wants you to run in circles. It’s ok not to be Wonder Woman. You are still trying to prove yourself to him and he loves that. Gotta stop doing that!
” because it meant that even though you were not with him, you were “with” him, doing his bidding” Sofia Leo
Some days I hate to interpret insanity, but I really think she got this one nailed down.
So, it’s Halloween, let’s have some dark humor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDzoVtts3qU
My favorite is the part about the eyebrow ;P
It’s scary how accurate that video is.
It’s also amazing how accurately dick describes them.
Over the past few months I have “cut off” H’s dependence on me for all things technology. It blows me away how easily I can be sucked back in but the good part is when I catch myself far quicker than I used to. Then, the gauntlet goes down. “No, here’s the login/pw info so you can do it when you have time.” I now have a sense of how much shit he “delegated” to me over 26 years, some of which I volunteered to take on despite being slammed with my own “stuff” to do, just so I could please someone who unfortunately couldn’t be pleased…until I left him. The obvious question is why did I have to leave for the change to occur…
The overall outcome has been that our relationship is loads better and when things slide into NARC/PA Land, I disengage. Boom baby. Done. Not gonna hang out for this crap. Don’t have to anymore. Wow, that’s empowering.
Victories aside, I admit to backsliding now and then. I don’t take it lightly and refrain from beating myself up. Rather, I have learned to focus on why I reacted the way I did and how I can change that in the future. Old habits die hard, for all of us. Admittedly, those old [destructive] habits are sometimes far more comfortable than dreaded change. The only problem with staying with comfortable old habits is that now I know better. The result is that I will feel worse unless I take steps toward analysis. Not easy, but I’m pleased with the overall results.
i’m confused. i realize i’m basing my opinion on “not much,” but what if Husband figured Wife could accomplish something a lot faster than he could (because of logistics, internet access, time, etc.). in other words, i think couples ought to play to each other’s strengths. my wife happens to be good at carpentry, so I would defer to her for choosing the right nails or wood type . . . or to repair a piece of moulding. i might be good at stir fry, so stir-fry night is up to me. the other confusing bit pertains to the haircut. what in the world does the haircut have to do with anything? as a male, my bet is that he wasn’t thinking about his haircut at all . . . in his mind, he was thinking, “Hey, I wonder if Wife can help on this? Even with gaps in info, she’s great at connecting dots . . .”
Hey – I’m sorry for not replying and approving sooner. Working with each other’s strengths is a very good thing and makes a wonderful partnership. But passive aggressive behavior is about anger and control and manipulation. It’s not at all about working with the other person. Maybe I didn’t explain about the haircut well. While a passive aggressive person wants and needs a deep close relationship, they will also actively sabotage that relationship. I have notice that fairly often when something happens that will bring us closer, ie, me giving him a haircut, maybe a deeper conversation, maybe a nice time together, within the next few days, he will do something that is hurtful to me. It’s actually really pretty bizarre. So, in this case, I gave him a haircut. Then he asked for the info. I put my time and energy into it and then he tells me he’ll do it himself. This is just how the passive aggressive game is played. It’s really not at all about strengths and teamwork. Believe me, I wish it was!!!!
One of my favourite abuses. My Ex used to do this. He would ask me to do something, let me invest some time in it and then say it didn’t matter if it got done. He would often let me know it wasn’t important just as I finished.
I haven’t figured out why they do this. I suspect that it is a simple as they see our time as expendable and they don’t want to say thanks if we complete something for them.
I realized that the only reason I started these tasks was out of some need to “please” him, to be helpful or to be generous. I did not break out of this pattern until I stopped and realized that he never did anything for me. I started to say, “Sure” and then we he asked later, if he did, I would say I didn’t get around to it. I completely stopped doing things that were just for him.