You know, the thing that gets me ….
It’s when he is nice.
…washes the dishes.
…brings in the groceries.
…offers to make dinner or buy dinner.
…takes out the trash.
He always feeds the cats and the chickens. He pays the bills. He gives me cash for groceries.
Every morning, he gives me a hug (not that I really want him to, but I started letting him again) and tells me that he hopes that I have a good day.
Those things are almost harder than when he is mean, if that makes any sense.
When I am lying on the floor crying at 2:00 am because I am so depressed that I want to kill myself, and he says absolutely nothing, somehow, that I can handle better than when he offers to carry in the groceries.
Does that make any sense? Any sense at all?
I guess that him not paying me any attention when I am crying is to be expected. The other “acts of kindness” may or may not happen. And when they do happen, I am tense because I don’t know what is coming next.
I think I’ve told you that he and I belong to two different churches. So this past week end, late at night, after we’ve already gone to bed, he said to me, in a very off-hand way, someone you know gave one of the messages today. (I know some of the people where he attends church.) So I played his guessing game for a couple of minutes and then gave up. It turned out, he was the one who gave one of the messages at church. And they liked it.
I had such an intense reaction this.
I felt stabbed. He hadn’t told me beforehand that he had been called upon to do this. I would guess that in a loving marriage, this would be something a husband would share with his wife. But we obviously don’t have that.
I felt punched. He looks like such a grand, righteous guy at church and I am the scummy wife who doesn’t attend with him. (His church is much, much, much bigger than the one I belong to and he tries to get me to attend with him.)
And I felt wretched. I felt so unrighteous. I am the scummy wife. I blog in the dark about his misdeeds. I want him to go away, just go away and leave me alone. And I wish I was with someone else. I am the scummy wife.
And he is, oh, so good.