We had a “discussion” this afternoon.
I was studying for my final exam outside under “my” tree. About mid-afternoon he came and asked me if I wanted to go see the new barn of somebody he knew and pick up some tin for a roof and then go out to eat.
I didn’t answer for a minute or so, but then I told the truth. I told him that it sounded stressful.
He asked me why.
I told him that don’t feel close to him and that I feel a great conflict being with him when there is so much hurt to my daughters because they don’t have a daddy.
He asked what would make me feel close to him.
I tried to explain that he seems like he doesn’t care about me, that he is wrapped up in what is important to him, but he is not that concerned about me.
He said that we never do anything together because I don’t want to. He said that our daughters decided that they didn’t want him to be a daddy.
I told him that he asks me to do stuff when it is not convenient for me. And gave him the examples of him asking me to go canoeing when it is a hundred degrees and ninety percent humidity. Or asking me to go see a barn and go out to dinner when I have a final in two days.
He said that I went to concerts by myself and didn’t invite him. (Yes, I’ve been to two concerts on my own – in the past three years.) I told him that a few weeks ago I offered him baseball tickets and he turned me down.
I told him that I know I have done many things wrong as a wife, but I feel like that at least I cared. At least I tried. I told him that I felt like he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t have empathy.
He started telling me things I do wrong and blaming me. He said that he has told me that his love language is touch and that never touch him. (That is not quite true. I give him a hug when he leaves in the morning and sometimes I hold his hand in bed. But, no, I don’t want to touch him. Not anymore. I used to be much more affectionate than he was. But that died.)
Anyhow, the whole thing went nowhere and I ended up feeling very drained and worthless when it was over.
I went back to my studying and laundry and food prep, etc., and he went off to his fort in the woods.
There is no way for this to get better on its own. It is just not going to happen. At least I can see to some degree some of the things I have done that have hurt the marriage. But he can’t see, or at least, won’t admit, that anything is his fault. Oh, yes, he’ll say, “I’m not perfect” but it is in a “poor me – you are being unfair to me” kind of way. Not – I’ve made mistakes. Let’s look at this and see what we need to do differently.
I told him that I felt like we never learned to work together, to be a team. I told him it wasn’t about either one of us being perfect, but rather learning to be connected, to be partners, to be a team. I told him that for years I wanted to be connected with him but that he seemed like he really didn’t want to connect. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and liked having me around. He, of course, disagreed with me.
When he left, I looked up into the tree and told God that I couldn’t fix this.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
PAA-
My heart aches for you. Your husband is missing out on the wonderful warmth you are offering. He sounds so much like my Hyde who seemed to grow colder the harder I tried to be more warm and understanding. He refused to thaw.
It is sad that these guys are broken as they are, but they choose to stay broken when shown the path to healing. They choose to live an emotionally stunted life when faced with leaving their comfort zone. They choose manipulation when open communication is offered. They
choose to hurt their wives.
I will never understand it.
Also, you are right– those circular (and cyclical) disscussions (conflicts) are so draining. Even before I realized he was abusing me, these never-resolved conflicts seemed odd to me. He gave me the textbook version of stonewalling and I would always end up begging, crying and apologizing. It felt like I was crazy and it wore me down emotionally.
You sound like you have been able to construct some boundaries with PA man, and that is giving you the ability to have perspective. You are realizing, I think, that he is choosing not to change. It is really unfair you are forced into this painful mess. One truth God revealed to me during my darkest hour with Hyde is that there is no fair, there is really only right and wrong. That helped me to make solid decisions that eventually led me to freedom from the oppression I was suffering in my marriage.
I pray that God would reveal to you His truth which would illuminate His desire for you in your life.
With warm thoughts,
MtH
Also…good luck with your final! It sounds like you’ll do great from your other post! :)
He won’t hear you because he’s denying his part of the problem here… pa s do that, you know it, I know it, anyone in a relationship with a pa knows it. Unfortunate that you have to come to that realization my dear but on the other hand, it’s good for you, you know what you did wrong and you acknowledge that now and you know that you can no longer fix it, you’ve really come a long way from when I started to read you last year.
I’m proud of you :)
You’ll do great on your final, don’t stress too much !! And goodluck.
He’s clever, isn’t he, in drawing you into a discussion that left you drained and worthless at a really important time for you (sabotage?). I wonder what he would have done if you’d merely smiled, thanked him and said ‘no thank you’? It would be interesting to see.
PS- and sorry, Good Luck!
He’s not stupid. He chose bad timing.
“He asked what would make me feel close to him.”
See, that would be great if it was a legitimate question. For someone in the early stages of a relationship maybe, or even if this was an authentic wondering on your husband’s part. It’s a question with built in excuses (which he soon tapped into shortly after in that conversation).
Your response hit two critical issues. His lack of caring for your kids, and his not seeming to care about you (as he does for himself). His response/excuse was to blame you and blame your daughters. Poor nice good husband can’t win with a bad wife and bad kids? He was ready with the concert accusation.
Blogging about this with a link back.
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You nailed it on the head about how he wants to do whatever he wants to do and doesn’t care if it inconveniences you. My ex PAH did that too. Now that I’ve been divorced a full year now, I actually thought of these things just recently. I could write a book on the ways my ex treated me and would never accept his responsibility of the brokenness of our marriage. WP, I’ve been following you for you for two years, before I left my PAH to today. I’ve now been divorced from my PAH for a full year and I’m telling you though it was the hardest decision ever, it was certainly the best! I’m still struggling financially, and not on my own entirely but I AM DOING IT! I’ve met a wonderful man and have such a relationship that I didn’t think was possible. Is it perfect? Is he perfect? Is our relationship always romantic and wonderful? No. But it is real and connected, like two people should be and I am so very happy. People that know me can see the difference, huge difference. I am not posting this to rub it in but to give you encouragement. It will take a miracle for your PAH to change and it is possible but….it is also possible for YOU to have a better life and with someone who will want to have that connected and wonderful relationship with you. I’m rooting for you!