We had a “discussion” this afternoon.
I was studying for my final exam outside under “my” tree. About mid-afternoon he came and asked me if I wanted to go see the new barn of somebody he knew and pick up some tin for a roof and then go out to eat.
I didn’t answer for a minute or so, but then I told the truth. I told him that it sounded stressful.
He asked me why.
I told him that don’t feel close to him and that I feel a great conflict being with him when there is so much hurt to my daughters because they don’t have a daddy.
He asked what would make me feel close to him.
I tried to explain that he seems like he doesn’t care about me, that he is wrapped up in what is important to him, but he is not that concerned about me.
He said that we never do anything together because I don’t want to. He said that our daughters decided that they didn’t want him to be a daddy.
I told him that he asks me to do stuff when it is not convenient for me. And gave him the examples of him asking me to go canoeing when it is a hundred degrees and ninety percent humidity. Or asking me to go see a barn and go out to dinner when I have a final in two days.
He said that I went to concerts by myself and didn’t invite him. (Yes, I’ve been to two concerts on my own – in the past three years.) I told him that a few weeks ago I offered him baseball tickets and he turned me down.
I told him that I know I have done many things wrong as a wife, but I feel like that at least I cared. At least I tried. I told him that I felt like he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t have empathy.
He started telling me things I do wrong and blaming me. He said that he has told me that his love language is touch and that never touch him. (That is not quite true. I give him a hug when he leaves in the morning and sometimes I hold his hand in bed. But, no, I don’t want to touch him. Not anymore. I used to be much more affectionate than he was. But that died.)
Anyhow, the whole thing went nowhere and I ended up feeling very drained and worthless when it was over.
I went back to my studying and laundry and food prep, etc., and he went off to his fort in the woods.
There is no way for this to get better on its own. It is just not going to happen. At least I can see to some degree some of the things I have done that have hurt the marriage. But he can’t see, or at least, won’t admit, that anything is his fault. Oh, yes, he’ll say, “I’m not perfect” but it is in a “poor me – you are being unfair to me” kind of way. Not – I’ve made mistakes. Let’s look at this and see what we need to do differently.
I told him that I felt like we never learned to work together, to be a team. I told him it wasn’t about either one of us being perfect, but rather learning to be connected, to be partners, to be a team. I told him that for years I wanted to be connected with him but that he seemed like he really didn’t want to connect. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and liked having me around. He, of course, disagreed with me.
When he left, I looked up into the tree and told God that I couldn’t fix this.