Last night, I received an email from one of my sisters, asking me if I had sent her a gift from her Amazon wish list.
I emailed her back and told her, no, I hadn’t.
Then I started thinking.
A few days ago, my husband had said something about Amazon reminding him that my sister’s birthday was coming up and giving him her wish list. He said he didn’t even know how Amazon knew that he knew my sister. I said, Facebook?
(He’s on Facebook and so is my sister. And they are “friends.”)
So last night, I asked my husband if he had sent my sister something from her Amazon wishlist.
He said, why?
I explained that she had asked me if I sent her something, etc…
He finally said that, yes, he had sent her something from her wishlist.
I asked him what.
He sent her a Sudoku book, a movie dvd, and a children’s book.
So, wow.
Not sure what to say.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
So…what do his actions seem to suggest? What do you think was his motivation?
I think he likes to show off….
Hmmmm…of course I’m reminding myself – as I try to make sense there – that such a motivation wouldn’t make sense to me or you…so I’ll stop trying. :) There’s nothing to figure out. Just another confusing piece in a puzzle that continues to morph so it can never be completed.
Shaking my head…
Wow. Strange……..
umh ladies, sounds like a pa way of bringing in another woman to get a reaction from you and make the other person insecure…. dumb dumb dumb. Hey on the plus side, your sister got great gifts.
His first response was revealing. He didn’t outright lie immediately, but waited to see how much you knew and why you asked. Instead, you got the deflecting typical “Why?”
I doubt he’s practiced such thoughtfulness to you over the years. Have you ever given him a wish list? What did he do with it?
You recently visited your sister. I’m guessing it was a simmering resentment that provoked him to groom your sister and practice some image management to show what a nice, thoughtful guy he is, and how unappreciative you are.
Also, notice that even with all your financial stress, his feeling the need to use DUCT TAPE on your vehicle etc., he felt it was okay to spend money on your sister. Oh, but not as something you discuss as married partners. Oh no. And not as coming from BOTH of you, because he wanted all the credit for this.
Has he ever expressed opinions about this particular sister to you in the past?
By simmering resentment, I meant a couple possibilities. One was that you got to see your sisters. You ‘got something’ or got to do something; he didn’t, and that’s almost always a problem.
Also, he may have imagined that he was somehow criticized while you were visiting there, and he felt the need to offset that and show your sister what a caring person he is. At least in his own mind.
http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com
I think mourninglight nailed it. Once my pah and I reached the point that there was no going back he ran around doing as many nice and really extravagant things as he could for my friends and my side of the family. I think it is done to say see what a great guy I am. There’s something wrong with her for not wanting me. It also leaves you on shaky ground with your support system because they just don’t know what to make of this guy who seems so caring and giving. It makes your own stories of life with him seem untrue. Hang in there. He is gas-lighting you.
I recognise this. In short, he’s forcing you to see he’s passive aggressive (not that he’ll ever admit that he is). He’s going out of his way to hurt you. He’s been waiting with glee and excitement for you to find out about the gifts to your sister. He’s gotten a huge thrill out of you finding out.
My pah (whom I left 2 years ago, not knowing there was a name for his personality disorder till 3 months after I left him – this was after 21 years together and 2 sons), well, when our boys were 9 & 10 years old, he gave me a piece of cardboard with ‘we love you’ written on it in red felt tip on the morning of my birthday, a Friday. Said he hadn’t had time to buy me anything but would go with out boys on Sunday to choose something for me. That same week tickets had gone on sale for a football match his friends wanted to go to. (Not him). He queued for 40 minutes to get them… But no time to get anything for his wife’s birthday. So, Sunday came along. He sat in front of the TV all day switching between sports channels. Never took the boys down to the shops to choose something for their mum’s birthday.
I had the ‘cheek’ that evening to ask him if he’d be able to buy me house slippers for my birthday because my old ones were ‘done’. He gave me the ‘raised eyes to the ceiling’ look, like ‘I’ was in the wrong for even hinting that he should buy me a birthday gift, at least from my boys.
But the tickets for the football match for his friends were worth queuing for 40 minutes for…
He doesn’t care what YOUR perception of him is. He only cares what OTHER PEOPLES’ perception of him is. He’s jealous of you. wants to be YOU but knows he can’t ever be so sucks the very soul out if you and makes it his own. You need to get out.
Sending you love, strength and hope. You CAN do it.
He manipulated the whole thing right from the beginning by not telling you he had
sent presents to your sister. He knew that your sister would email you.
1. So he made it look like you had forgotten her birthday
2. He made it look like he was thoughtful and kind (from your sister’s perspective)
3, If you confront him, he will say that he had told you
Tell him that you are pleased that he had sent presents. That negates the jab from him.
Tell your sister that you were told by p.a. that he had not sent them yet, but you are pleased
he did send them under your instructions as he can be so forgetful.