I’m feeling lonely tonight. Not a needy lonely. Just an empty lonely. Like there should be someone in my life for me to love and to be loved back. I don’t know how to explain it.
“Conversation” with him is so empty. Pretty much meaningless. And so often filled with negativity. But subtle negativity.
This evening he was telling me that his brother said that his dad would use half a stick of butter to make breakfast. Okay, so maybe that’s not very healthy. But it’s not like he and his brother were talking about it because they were deeply concerned for their dad. It came more from criticism than concern. Does that make sense? It gets hard to listen to stuff like that all the time.
So often I wish there was someone else for me. But I also feel guilty thinking about that because I am still married. Legally anyway. If not emotionally.
I wish I could just live in peace. And then I start doubting myself and thinking that I must be doing something wrong and if I would just be content with what I do have, then I would feel more peace. After all, I do have a roof over my head and food on the table and he doesn’t beat me physically. Maybe that should be enough.
But then, so very often, I want sex. I want sex so badly. And then I want to scream or die or commit adultery. But none of those are truly an option for me. Well, the screaming maybe. It drives me crazy. Sometimes I think about doing something really stupid, but, of course, I never do.
Last night I went to watch our company’s softball team play. They play in a co-ed city league. It’s basically just for fun, and, as Someone said, to get out of the house. I’d been to watch them play once before and I found it peaceful and relaxing, so I went again last evening. It was really nice to just sit on the bleachers and cheer for the team. I didn’t have to be anybody or do anything. I didn’t have to take care of anything or worry about anything. I could just BE and breathe. Do you have any idea how rare that is?
Of course, when I told my husband that I was thinking about going to watch the team, he wasn’t very happy about it. He didn’t say so directly, but, in his passive aggressive way, he asked me if I had started on this project that I have to do. That was his way of saying that he didn’t want me to go to the game and that I should be spending my time some other way.
I went to the game anyway. It was really nice to just sit and cheer for my team. And they appreciated it that I came out to watch them.