just rambling…

I’m feeling lonely tonight.  Not a needy lonely.  Just an empty lonely.  Like there should be someone in my life for me to love and to be loved back. I don’t know how to explain it.

“Conversation” with him is so empty.  Pretty much meaningless.   And so often filled with negativity.  But subtle negativity.

This evening he was telling me that his brother said that his dad would use half a stick of butter to make breakfast.  Okay, so maybe that’s not very healthy.  But it’s not like he and his brother were talking about it because they were deeply concerned for their dad.  It came more from criticism than concern.  Does that make sense?   It gets hard to listen to stuff like that all the time.

So often I wish there was someone else for me.  But I also feel guilty thinking about that because I am still married.  Legally anyway.  If not emotionally.

I wish I could just live in peace.  And then I start doubting myself and thinking that I must be doing something wrong and if I would just be content with what I do have, then I would feel more peace.  After all, I do have a roof over my head and food on the table and he doesn’t beat me physically.  Maybe that should be enough.

But then, so very often, I want sex.  I want sex so badly.  And then I want to scream or die or commit adultery.  But none of those are truly an option for me.   Well, the screaming maybe.  It drives me crazy.  Sometimes I think about doing something really stupid, but, of course, I never do.

Last night I went to watch our company’s softball team play.  They play in a co-ed city league.  It’s basically just for fun, and, as Someone said, to get out of the house.  I’d been to watch them play once before and I found it peaceful and relaxing, so I went again last evening.  It was really nice to just sit on the bleachers and cheer for the team.  I didn’t have to be anybody or do anything.  I didn’t have to take care of anything or worry about anything.  I could just BE and breathe.   Do you have any idea how rare that is?

Of course, when I told my husband that I was thinking about going to watch the team, he wasn’t very happy about it.  He didn’t say so directly, but, in his passive aggressive way, he asked me if I had started on this project that I have to do.  That was his way of saying that he didn’t want me to go to the game and that I should be spending my time some other way.

I went to the game anyway.  It was really nice to just sit and cheer for my team.  And they appreciated it that I came out to watch them.

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21 Responses to just rambling…

  1. Teresa says:

    Isn’t it nice to just get away from the tension? :) That’s why I love doing things at my church…I feel such peace while I’m there. I’m glad you got a few hours of relaxation! Hope you have a nice weekend!

    • For me, church is just about as tense as home. :{ I am considering finding someplace else to attend.

      • Teresa says:

        Do it!! We changed churches about 1 1/2 yrs ago…and it was the best change we’d ever made! I’m so happy there, and I’ve made so many friends….none of them know whats going on in my home, but it’s just nice having the fun relationships, without them knowing about my baggage!

  2. Much of this posting expresses the rationale for why I moved out. Except the sex part. Because I let my stress escalate my immune system has been a little pissed. Thus, the nonexistent sex drive. Plus, I just didn’t believe my intuition. I didn’t trust myself. I asked why I couldn’t be happy with what I had, just as you stated above. Don’t poison yourself anymore with that sort of self-defeating behavior. I mean it. If you are going to emerge from this experience with any self-worth at all, you have got to stop with the negative self-talk and completely disengage from looking for any negativity in your H. If you need to make a change for your well-being, then take the time to breathe. I didn’t believe ANYBODY when they said these things to me, though I knew they were right. What I kept searching for was a reason to believe that what I knew I needed was correct with regard to my intuition. I didn’t even think enough of myself to trust my own warning mechanisms. I broke myself. I did that. Nobody else did. I thought I could hold on, cope, defect, hide in my work, and on and on. And I masterfully did it for awhile. Then the load became too much to carry because I no longer knew who I was, let alone whether or not I could trust “her” (i.e., the person I’d become). It was/wasn’t a big surprise for me. I knew it was coming, but I thought I could handle absolutely anything.

    It was an illusion. One that I’d created, and one that I had to destroy so I could build something true in its place. I had to let go of everything and simply trust myself for the first time in my life; for real.

    Ya know what happened? Nothing. All of that crap that I was terrified of was fear that I manufactured, while all the while I was looking for reasons to use H’s poor behavior [yikes!] to justify my distrust of my own opinions about *my* life that was entirely fear based. Whoa.

    I’m telling you right now, my separation literally saved my life. I wasn’t suicidal, I was just ready to concede to non-existence. Permanently. Until one day I said “nope, this isn’t working and in some form I need to maintain this relationship – but I have to build one with myself first.” I was told I was selfish (yes, but not in the derogatory way he said it to me) and that it was good for me but everyone else would suffer. I believed it too. One day I told myself I was full of sh&%. I called myself out and said “now. No more waiting. No perfect time will come.”

    The relief has been unbelievable. Don’t know what it means, and don’t need to right now. I’m busy saving myself for a change.

    • Teresa says:

      I love this, dharmagoddess!
      I told my PAH last night I want a divorce…and we’ve been fighting ever since….not shouting fighting…he NEVER does that! Just sniping at each other!
      After I told him, he laid down on the couch and took a nap….guess I had my answer, right? :(
      Today I BEGGED him to fight for us…but he won’t! I asked him to answer me honestly, “Do you see that you’re PA?” He said he sees he has “some” traits….SOME????? I then asked him if he thinks he’s in bondage to the sin of PA (we’re Christians) and he said NO.
      So that’s that.
      Because to act the way he’s acted, to have the TWO affairs that he’s had, to not HELP me in affair recovery….well, he IS in spiritual bondage…and he doesn’t see it.
      I’m scared, I’ll admit that! I haven’t worked for our entire 28 yr marriage…but he makes good money, so as long as he doesn’t act like a selfish jerk….my boys and I should be ok!

      We aren’t separating til after the first of the year…I want my boys to have one last family Christmas before their lives are changed forever.
      I’m heartbroken because I DO believe that my husband can change…I believe ALL passive aggressive people can change….if they want to!

      • Teresa, Wow. He took a nap? My H would turn over and go to sleep after one of his tirades, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. Only when I got serious about leaving did he even consider that he had been out of line. He never thought I’d leave either, and that’s when his tune changed.

        I do not advocate for divorce until every avenue has been tried and there’s nothing left. I think the trouble is when one cannot see when they’ve already been there and are beating the proverbial dead horse. Then, well, it looks like that’s the only option.

        People *can* change if they *want* to, I truly believe that. The trouble is they also have to make changing how they view/treat the other person as part of that change. That’s a tough illusion to 1) live up to and 2) abandon so that who the other person really is can be seen.

        I wonder if he’s calling your bluff (so to speak) as part of his denial…

      • How old are your boys? Maybe this will be a serious wake up call to him. Maybe being kicked out of his own house will make him face what he needs to face. Of course, maybe not, too. I wish you well. Please keep us posted as to how it is going.
        I know you’re scared. But it will be okay. Legally he has to support you and his children. But get a good lawyer! Will your church help you and support you, at least emotionally, if not a little financially? I sure hope so!
        Take good care of yourself!!!! I am so proud of you for taking this step. I know it is not what any of us dreamed of, but I do admire the courage of those who have done what they need to do to get out of toxic relationships.

    • Yes, I need to leave. It is not healthy here. It is not healthy at all. And sometimes I am suicidal.

      • That last part is the biggest call to action I can think of. Please take care of yourself and get the help/relief that you need, because the world needs *you*. Nothing – absolutely nothing – is more important.

  3. Karen says:

    I completely understand the loneliness and the empty conversations. When they are home it feels lonelier than when you are alone. I hope your day will come soon when you are free. Just listening to you I know you can do it. It’s just a matter of deciding when.

  4. Are you writing my thoughts? I feel as if there are different versions of me scattered all over the world. And that’s sad.

    • It is sad, but it doesn’t have to end this way. I think the story (collective) is far more common that I realized. This seems to suggest that whatever paradigm(s) got us here aren’t worth following anymore because those paradigm(s) only hurt by reinforcing some crazy idea that this type of existence is “normal” and “ok” and that we should just “deal”. So while it’s comforting to read others’ stories and, in turn, encourage each other to face scary things, it’s disconcerting that so many feel this way. I don’t know where all of these dysfunctional ideas come from but the only choice we have is to change directions toward a healthier existence.

      • You’re right, of course, but I think we’re all wondering why the person who is supposed to be closest to us has turned against us in this way. It’s very destabilising and makes us question ourselves.

      • Exactly! I don’t think there’s any sense to be made of it because the root of the problem lies within someone else rather than ourselves. We didn’t break them and – as someone had previously said – we can’t fix them either. The only thing we can do is try to avoid irreparable damage in ourselves. That said, I don’t really believe in irreparable damage in myself anymore. Sure, I’m damaged and affected in ways that I can observe in the silence when I sit with myself and my light and my dark, but that is a reflection of what I’ve been through rather than who I AM.

      • Yes, I wonder very often wonder why the person who is supposed to be closest to me has turned against me. For years and years and years, I wondered what was wrong with me. I still do. Even though I understand more about PA behavior now, after living with him so long, I still think part of it must be me. Why, if I was enough, surely he would love me and adore me, right? So there must me something wrong with me.

        I don’t care anymore. I just want out. OUT!!!!

      • There is no answer. For me, that was the most difficult thing to accept. Part of that realization was equally as mind bending in that *it wasn’t about me at all*. There is nothing inherently wrong with you unless you see things about yourself that you opt to improve. There is nothing inherently wrong with him either unless he sees the same about himself. It’s the combination that’s at issue along with the unwillingness to recognize individual ownership of problems and take on individual change. There’s no formula for this to occur, unfortunately. And, there’s no guarantee it will “work” (how ever one might define such an outcome from the individual perspective).

        I saw a lot of things about myself I knew I needed to change. Fortunately, H saw things he needed to change about himself. It’s been rough but for the moment, I’m better off and so is he. Yes, we have different and new struggles, but it’s just part of our process. Individual and collective. The net-net is that I knew I had to save myself before I could even think about saving the marriage. I’m still working on the first part and am in no hurry to progress to the second part. It will come when it is time and it’s worth pointing out that efforts to save myself have contributed to efforts to save our marriage, if that’s what should happen.

  5. mixedemotions says:

    Geez all of you are expressing how I feel and how it goes on at home as well. We’ve been going to therapy and it seems to help for a little bit but then he gets into this negative phase again and it feels like it’s never going to end… I want to believe he will change forever but I don’t even hope for it anymore, I’m pretty sure things will go right back to where they were except this time, I’ll be mad as hell about it, both for me and for him.

  6. Karen says:

    Dear WP, You are enough! You have to believe he would act this way with whichever wife he chose. He isn’t capable of showing that he loves and adores anyone. As soon as he got intimately close to anyone this passive aggressive behavior would come out.
    My husband has 4 brothers. 3 of the 5 boys are definitely passive aggressive. Mine is the youngest. The one brother who is 11 years older than my H left his 27 year marriage. Never gave any warning. They weren’t happy but she didn’t know he was leaving. After 3 years when he realized the grass wasn’t so green on the other side he wanted to come back. She had already moved on. He was so angry with her and blamed her for not taking him back when he was ready to try. He went on to another woman he ended up living with for 10 years. He treated her the same PA way. She left. She is very angry with him. He immediately start dating another woman who fell for his charm and that lasted a year before he pronounced her crazy. All 3 were very nice woman. All 3 he would tell you have mental issues.
    My point is they find woman that have codependent ways and lack self confidence. We would do anything for others. They need that. We are charmed by them at first and disreguard all of the warning signs. By the time we realize something is wrong we have so much invested. Maybe there are children and jobs we have given up so now we are financially dependent. I think all of those issues cause them to treat us even a little worse because they know we aren’t going anywhere. Each time it gets a little worse and we stay that becomes the new norm for our relationship with them. They are fixer uppers and we try so hard to fix things. We hang onto broken things thinking we may be able to repair them and everything will be better one day.
    Don’t blame yourself. You are more than enough. You give plenty of love and too many chances. You are clearly a kind hearted and smart woman. These men are opportunistic and not capable of being in an intimate, loving, caring relationship. They are parasites.
    What we need to change is what we are attracted to. Something in our past made us comfortable with less than a full relationship. We need to learn what to look for. Pay attention to the warning signs when we see them.
    These men won’t change. I can see that in my 67 year old brother in law. He hasn’t changed one bit. And there is always another woman who falls for the charm and gives it a try. But it seems the older these woman are the less time they are willing to loose being with him.
    I think about that with the woman my husband is seeing. I know what it was like to date him. But I know too there were plenty of times he showed me how little there was below the surface and I chose to ignore it.
    There is nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong is the type of man you are attracted to.
    When you finally get out don’t settle for less than you really want.

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