I am a fan of Dave Ramsey.
For those who may not know, Dave Ramsey (link) advocates getting rid of credit cards and paying cash to get out of debt and to stay out of debt.
I think that’s a great idea.
But when my husband canceled my credit card (see post), that was different. That was revenge and control.
When I had to ask for money to buy groceries, it felt horrible. I hated to have to ask for money. When I was at the store, and pulling out the cash to pay for the groceries, it was like the same wound was being stabbed again each time. I can’t even describe how this whole thing has made me feel. Maybe wretched, belittled, less than human. Kicked. Spit on.
But at least he was giving me money when I would ask.
I love Thanksgiving. I love hosting my family. I love putting on an abundant spread with plenty of food for everyone.
This takes money. When he canceled the credit card, after I got home from my sister’s and we were talking about it, I asked him if there would be money for Thanksgiving. He told me, yes, there would be money for Thanksgiving.
So, when the time came, I started shopping for Thanksgiving. I had to ask for more money. He gave me more money. But then I had to ask for more money after that.
He told me that he had bills to pay. (But, he had also decided to take a couple of days off of work to work on this “fort” he is building in the woods. He buys supplies to build the fort and he takes time off of work to build this fort, but then he has bills to pay and doesn’t have money to give me.) He told me he wasn’t going to give me any more money for Thanksgiving. He told me if I wanted to do Thanksgiving, then I would have to pay for the rest of Thanksgiving. He hasn’t given me any money since.
That was a week ago. On Monday evening, when I didn’t have any more cash to buy food with, and I pulled out my debit card, I felt wretchedly sick. I cried all the way home.
My sister, the one I was with when he cancelled the credit card, expressed it very well in an email to me:
Even though I have not walked in your shoes, I can see very much how [his name]’s not taking care of you financially would cut so deeply and so cruelly. Even though you are so capable and so capable of taking care of yourself in so many ways, your heart needs to feel taken care of. Is it that it’s not really about the money, but about whether or not you feel valued and “worth it” as manifested by the money being provided or not provided? What the counselor said about his being without empathy is evidenced in his pulling the rug out from under you (once again) regarding the money for Thanksgiving.
(The last time I talked with Julie, the therapist, she told me that my husband has no empathy and that I need to protect myself. That is my sister’s reference.)
My sister is right. My heart needs to feel taken care of. And he does not make my heart feel taken care of. He batters and crushes my heart. I think he always has.
Anyhow, that was the last straw.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
I’m sorry to hear that your Thanksgiving was tarnished by this hurtful behavior by your husband. I can relate. My situation is different in some details but similar in that my husband has harmed me by taking advantage of areas in which I’m vulnerable about financial issues. For example, I believe in paying bills on time and in full, and this fall that has been a challenge because there were several big expenses bunched together on one or two credit card bills. I asked my husband to pay his share of the expenses (all for our children or the house; I don’t get any support from him for expenses that are mine alone, such as food, gas, and so on) by a certain date and he resisted. I was struggling to buy groceries for myself with the little bit of cash I had. I felt abandoned. I am very self-sufficient but I want my husband to have my back, and he doesn’t (although he does stab me in it on occasion…).
I stumbled upon your blog about a week ago. A lot of the post sound like your living with my husband but that of course is what its like to live with any passive aggressive man. I’m sorry your Thanksgiving had a black cloud over it..
“My heart needs to feel taken care of.” And it hurts so very much when the person who you thought would take care of it actively does the opposite. It’s cruel. I’m trying to take care of my own heart and it’s so lonely. X
yes very lonely. My first instinct is to take care of every one else, I feel very selfish when I do take care of myself, it’s not easy to do. It boggles my mind that you can be married to someone who is PA for so long, you trust them with your heart and they break it so many times in so many ways, even after you have explained to them what hurts and how it hurts, even if you are with someone, it’s like you live alone with all of this hurt and emotional turmoil. It’s very lonely, especially at this time of year. I’m so lucky to have all of you here and this blogger, you’ve been my salvation. Thank you.
I highly recommend the book: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I downloaded it to my Kindle recently. Even though I am out of my abusive marriage, I still want to understand some of the dynamics a bit better (How did I fall for it and get sucked in? How do I prevent it from happening again? What red flags did I miss?). This book is a gold mine. I see things in a much clearer light than I ever have before. I wish the book had existed when I was married and that I had read it back then. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Granted, I’m only a quarter of the way through, but it has already been the most valuable resource of all of the books I’ve read on the topic of abusive relationships. The reason I mention it, is I think you would benefit from the clarity it would bring you. Good luck!! You can do this.
One gift that your husband is giving you, if you choose to see it that way, is that without his support (emotional, financial, or otherwise) he is clearly showing you how you can and will make it on your own. His attempts will backfire and blow up in his face. He thinks he is making you more dependent on him. Nope. He is just giving you the tools and motivation to succeed despite his efforts at sabotage and you’re learning that you can and will succeed without him!! :-)