I am a fan of Dave Ramsey.
For those who may not know, Dave Ramsey (link) advocates getting rid of credit cards and paying cash to get out of debt and to stay out of debt.
I think that’s a great idea.
But when my husband canceled my credit card (see post), that was different. That was revenge and control.
When I had to ask for money to buy groceries, it felt horrible. I hated to have to ask for money. When I was at the store, and pulling out the cash to pay for the groceries, it was like the same wound was being stabbed again each time. I can’t even describe how this whole thing has made me feel. Maybe wretched, belittled, less than human. Kicked. Spit on.
But at least he was giving me money when I would ask.
I love Thanksgiving. I love hosting my family. I love putting on an abundant spread with plenty of food for everyone.
This takes money. When he canceled the credit card, after I got home from my sister’s and we were talking about it, I asked him if there would be money for Thanksgiving. He told me, yes, there would be money for Thanksgiving.
So, when the time came, I started shopping for Thanksgiving. I had to ask for more money. He gave me more money. But then I had to ask for more money after that.
He told me that he had bills to pay. (But, he had also decided to take a couple of days off of work to work on this “fort” he is building in the woods. He buys supplies to build the fort and he takes time off of work to build this fort, but then he has bills to pay and doesn’t have money to give me.) He told me he wasn’t going to give me any more money for Thanksgiving. He told me if I wanted to do Thanksgiving, then I would have to pay for the rest of Thanksgiving. He hasn’t given me any money since.
That was a week ago. On Monday evening, when I didn’t have any more cash to buy food with, and I pulled out my debit card, I felt wretchedly sick. I cried all the way home.
My sister, the one I was with when he cancelled the credit card, expressed it very well in an email to me:
Even though I have not walked in your shoes, I can see very much how [his name]’s not taking care of you financially would cut so deeply and so cruelly. Even though you are so capable and so capable of taking care of yourself in so many ways, your heart needs to feel taken care of. Is it that it’s not really about the money, but about whether or not you feel valued and “worth it” as manifested by the money being provided or not provided? What the counselor said about his being without empathy is evidenced in his pulling the rug out from under you (once again) regarding the money for Thanksgiving.
(The last time I talked with Julie, the therapist, she told me that my husband has no empathy and that I need to protect myself. That is my sister’s reference.)
My sister is right. My heart needs to feel taken care of. And he does not make my heart feel taken care of. He batters and crushes my heart. I think he always has.
Anyhow, that was the last straw.