I did it again.  I played nice.

Let me set this up just a little.

I’m leaving my van at the mechanic’s tomorrow.  (See post.)  And I’m driving his truck instead.  His truck is old and dirty and I really do not like driving it.  But, at least I will have transportation to work.

So today while I’m at work, he texts me.  Sometimes when he texts me, I reply.  Other times, I don’t.  Today, I decided to, once again (stupid me),  go along with his joke.  Oh, Josh works for him.  And I have an office job, just so you know.

him:  Are you going to need the trailer hitch on the truck tomorrow?  If not Josh might want to borrow it.”

me:  I’ll just do without…

him:  It’s ok.  He ended up not needing it.

He does this to me every time.  Whatever I am giving, nicely giving, even in a joke, he slaps back at me.

I know he thinks he’s being funny.  But I also think that he is “putting me in my place,” slapping me down.  Pushing away any kind gesture.

Anyhow.  Whatever.  Stupid me.  I should have just ignored him.

On another note, my depression is back.

I was doing better for awhile there.  Taking St. John’s Wort every morning seemed to be helping.  But then a few days ago, Saturday to be exact, the depression came back.  The dark clouds of hopelessness rolled in.  The suicidal thoughts appeared again.  I’m doing a tiny bit better today, but I still feel so down and so hopeless.  I keep trying to tell myself that my life won’t always be like this, that it will be different, that it will be better.  But then I get afraid that I am lying to myself.  I have cried so much the past few days.  Today I didn’t cry as much, but I hate going through life crying.

Sometimes I try to be hopeful.  And sometimes I feel like I am really, really, really stupid for even thinking that I might have a chance someday at a pretty house that isn’t falling apart and at a loving relationship with a man who adores me and knows how to show it.

Well, my daughter and I are going out for dinner to a little Mexican place that we like, so I guess I better get ready to go.  Thanks again for reading my blog.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to again…

  1. chosetobehappy says:

    awh man, you poor thing. No wonder you get depressed, you are with that man who keeps jabbing it to you. I know you go to the gym as you’ve indicated that much, go a little bit more and a little longer, I find it helps me :) keep up the faith, as you said, you won’t have this life forever.

  2. cindy says:

    i’m so sorry you are going through that! No one should have to put up with that behavior from someone who claims to love you. I totally understand. My husband is passive aggressive and since I have emotionally detached. This have helped me greatly!! I deal with it better but it leaves less of a intimate relationship but it was that way anyway. Please know that your life can have a new beginning, even though it takes time. I hope you have many blessings to come to make up for a crappy marriage.

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