again…

I did it again.  I played nice.

Let me set this up just a little.

I’m leaving my van at the mechanic’s tomorrow.  (See post.)  And I’m driving his truck instead.  His truck is old and dirty and I really do not like driving it.  But, at least I will have transportation to work.

So today while I’m at work, he texts me.  Sometimes when he texts me, I reply.  Other times, I don’t.  Today, I decided to, once again (stupid me),  go along with his joke.  Oh, Josh works for him.  And I have an office job, just so you know.

him:  Are you going to need the trailer hitch on the truck tomorrow?  If not Josh might want to borrow it.”

me:  I’ll just do without…

him:  It’s ok.  He ended up not needing it.

He does this to me every time.  Whatever I am giving, nicely giving, even in a joke, he slaps back at me.

I know he thinks he’s being funny.  But I also think that he is “putting me in my place,” slapping me down.  Pushing away any kind gesture.

Anyhow.  Whatever.  Stupid me.  I should have just ignored him.

On another note, my depression is back.

I was doing better for awhile there.  Taking St. John’s Wort every morning seemed to be helping.  But then a few days ago, Saturday to be exact, the depression came back.  The dark clouds of hopelessness rolled in.  The suicidal thoughts appeared again.  I’m doing a tiny bit better today, but I still feel so down and so hopeless.  I keep trying to tell myself that my life won’t always be like this, that it will be different, that it will be better.  But then I get afraid that I am lying to myself.  I have cried so much the past few days.  Today I didn’t cry as much, but I hate going through life crying.

Sometimes I try to be hopeful.  And sometimes I feel like I am really, really, really stupid for even thinking that I might have a chance someday at a pretty house that isn’t falling apart and at a loving relationship with a man who adores me and knows how to show it.

Well, my daughter and I are going out for dinner to a little Mexican place that we like, so I guess I better get ready to go.  Thanks again for reading my blog.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to again…

  1. chosetobehappy says:

    awh man, you poor thing. No wonder you get depressed, you are with that man who keeps jabbing it to you. I know you go to the gym as you’ve indicated that much, go a little bit more and a little longer, I find it helps me :) keep up the faith, as you said, you won’t have this life forever.

  2. cindy says:

    i’m so sorry you are going through that! No one should have to put up with that behavior from someone who claims to love you. I totally understand. My husband is passive aggressive and since I have emotionally detached. This have helped me greatly!! I deal with it better but it leaves less of a intimate relationship but it was that way anyway. Please know that your life can have a new beginning, even though it takes time. I hope you have many blessings to come to make up for a crappy marriage.

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