I did it again. I played nice.
Let me set this up just a little.
I’m leaving my van at the mechanic’s tomorrow. (See post.) And I’m driving his truck instead. His truck is old and dirty and I really do not like driving it. But, at least I will have transportation to work.
So today while I’m at work, he texts me. Sometimes when he texts me, I reply. Other times, I don’t. Today, I decided to, once again (stupid me), go along with his joke. Oh, Josh works for him. And I have an office job, just so you know.
him: Are you going to need the trailer hitch on the truck tomorrow? If not Josh might want to borrow it.”
me: I’ll just do without…
him: It’s ok. He ended up not needing it.
He does this to me every time. Whatever I am giving, nicely giving, even in a joke, he slaps back at me.
I know he thinks he’s being funny. But I also think that he is “putting me in my place,” slapping me down. Pushing away any kind gesture.
Anyhow. Whatever. Stupid me. I should have just ignored him.
On another note, my depression is back.
I was doing better for awhile there. Taking St. John’s Wort every morning seemed to be helping. But then a few days ago, Saturday to be exact, the depression came back. The dark clouds of hopelessness rolled in. The suicidal thoughts appeared again. I’m doing a tiny bit better today, but I still feel so down and so hopeless. I keep trying to tell myself that my life won’t always be like this, that it will be different, that it will be better. But then I get afraid that I am lying to myself. I have cried so much the past few days. Today I didn’t cry as much, but I hate going through life crying.
Sometimes I try to be hopeful. And sometimes I feel like I am really, really, really stupid for even thinking that I might have a chance someday at a pretty house that isn’t falling apart and at a loving relationship with a man who adores me and knows how to show it.
Well, my daughter and I are going out for dinner to a little Mexican place that we like, so I guess I better get ready to go. Thanks again for reading my blog.