bad decision

I want to apologize for my previous post.

(I’m leaving it up because it is what it is.)

It’s not fair of me to let him do that to me and then complain about it.

I should have said, no.

I should have known it would be so destructive and not let it happen in the first place.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to bad decision

  1. mourninglight says:

    I would wish that you would not apologize, because my feeling is that your prior post was honest, and it was real. It wasn’t about who was at fault or responsible, and your feelings just are. I feel as though a poisonous thorn of doubt was poked into an unhealed vital wound, and the residue of that poison leaves you doubting and apologizing.

    We’re told not to judge, but I’d add to that by saying those who don’t understand, and don’t make the effort to understand, should be quiet. People have no idea of the harm they do when they see only the surface and pronounce their ignorant judgments.

    Sadly, most of humanity that I’ve encountered doesn’t ‘get it’ when it comes to almost any subject or issue unless they’ve had personal experience with whatever it is. People like things boxed, linear, neat and tidy because it makes them feel safe and possibly a bit superior. We’d like to think we know how we’d feel, how we’d think, or how we’d behave in a given situation, but until we are ‘there’, the truth remains to be seen.

    The very core of passive aggressive is engineered to leave us holding The Bag, and it’s designed to get public and outside agreement that we own the bag. Well, we don’t. We’re just normal (whatever that is) people who are trying to navigate being in a relationship that is the ultimate kind of gaslighting. I don’t think we’re married to bad people. Messed up, disconnected, needy, men who cling in a death grip, pushing us away, pulling us close, wash, rinse, repeat, denying it all the while, and loving us to death.

    Don’t apologize for being a woman who wanted to try because she loves and grieves. Don’t apologize for being human, fallible, vulnerable, and opening tired arms with a fading ember of hope. It left a wound, but you’re not at fault. Maybe no one is. You hurt, and we care.

    • Teresa says:

      Mourhinglight, I copied and pasted that paragraph about us left holding the bag to a friend, who is also married to a PA!!
      And I read it to my oldest son….it’s THAT awesome! Thank you!!

  2. Heather says:

    Hi, I found your site a few weeks ago and I have been wanting to communicat with you so I am finally doing it! I would rather do a private conv, but not sure how to do that without giving out my email! I am dealing with the same things and constantly trying to find a way out or to change him!
    My husband is a male-chauvinist, narcissist, racist, passive aggressive.
    I am just curious, does your husband know he has these problems? I am at a loss to try & troll him or explain, because he will turn it all on me. We started to try counseling, but the man turned out to be a male-chauvinist also! Spent all th time on me, telling my problems, which I already know & understand! I knew something was wrong before we ever got married, but it wasn’t common, but after 3-4 years, I literally thought I was going crazy. People around us (family) could not see it, my parents & friends have now, but still they don’t know what it is like! I have a wonderful best friend who keeps me grounded! But here’s the thing, just because I know he has this “disorder” and he may not mean everything he says to come across that way, it doesn’t make me feel any better!
    I was hoping to find a good male counselor who he would trust – and then they could work on it…
    But in the mean time – I am miserable most of the time! I try to let it go, detach, forgive (for me), but it is like insanity, to be forgiving for the same thing over & over & over again!
    Even if he is told he has these problems, and that I am ready to leave him, is it even possible for him to really change? I have the book, “Living with the passive agressive Man,” I found it while I was trying to find other books on why my husband is so controlling, has no friends, respects no one, and lies… That was when I found out he was passive agressive! But again, this was almost 3 yrs ago, and I am still here! I have had so much hope, all my life, always the optimist, but my family says it is a lost cause! Any thoughts? Thanks in advance!

    • Hi – He won’t change unless HE personally deep down inside, of and by himself, is convicted of the need to change. Until then, he will continue to blame anything and everything on someone else. And since it is someone else’s fault, there is no need for him to change. Toward the end of “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man,” the author says that the only hope for change is to get him to counseling. Even then, he has to feel the need to change. A thought – he actually might be more comfortable with a female counselor. Passive aggressive behavior is a way of expressing rebellion. He might feel that he has to stand up to another man and may speak more easily with a woman. I don’t know your husband or his history, but that is just a thought.
      Yes, I do keep my conversations here on my blog. I find that readers have wonderful insights to comments left on my blog and that many have found encouragement from comments posted by others.
      And believe me — I TOTALLY get the insanity thing!!!! :}
      I wish you well. Let me know how things go for you.

    • mixedemotions says:

      i’ve been with mine for a long time, he’s known for quite some time and only after I said I was leaving did he all of a sudden decide it was time to change (this is our 4 attempt at change)… much much improvements have been made but I’m still “mixedemotions” because I still haven’t figure out yet or not (and maybe I never will) if the change is going to last or not, my bet is on probably not for the long run anyways perhaps for now yes but i still see glimpse of control and PA behaviour ( last week I cried because I felt so helpless, I was so down that I couldn’t read any of these comments). At some point you are either gonna give in or give up. Good luck and keep reading, it gives me strenght that at least I’m not alone.

    • I know how you feel mine begged me to go see someone with him after I through him out. He wouldn’t when I asked and we were still together. I did and it turned out about like yours turned out. To start with he lied to the man over and over and got loud nasty and rude with me when I would say stuff. Instead of the counselor saying something or trying to help from there just kept telling me I didn’t need to say anything and I didn’t need to be there. I sat through 2 hours of this and then they wondered why I didn’t want to go back. He can change it will take a lot of work on his part and something that he will always deal with and have to work on. But he has to want to change and except that there is something wrong. Mine will then turn around and tell me their is nothing wrong with him and the things he does and that it is all me and lets talk about how I am. We have been married 10 years. been split up the last 2 and things were not good for the 3 before that. He is under his own free will to do what he wants when he wants and how. No matter how much you want him to change or try to get him to until he truly feels he needs to change things he isn’t going to. you will feel like you are crazy and living with a crazy person as long as you are with him and he don’t change. Mine I don’t think there is any hope of long term change. I think if he did it would be no time until he is right back to the same old things. I have told him that and that he isn’t going to keep a relationship until he changes. he gets mad but its true. Unless he gets someone who don’t care how he treats her as long as he sticks around and she can say she has a man. I use that term loosely because a man is not what he is.

      • Yes, I really don’t think he will change. He doesn’t see it. Plus, life has been comfortable for him the way he is. I have catered to him, so why would he need to do anything any differently? I like this: “I use that term loosely because a man is not what he is.” SO get that! I hope you new baby is doing well. I’m sorry I haven’t been to visit your blog recently.

      • He is like mine to far gone to change. I hope for my kids he will but I don’t think it will ever happen. It was good for him too when we were together I took care of everything that needed to be done bills, house, child care, doctors whatever he just had to show up or tag along. I took up for him and myself when he should have been doing it. If we needed stuff i made sure no matter what we got it why he said I don’t know what to do or where to get it or what do you want me to do? My friends have helped him get the jobs he had or I got them for him and helped him keep them because he wouldn’t do that on his own either. They would cover for him and make excuses for him and everything else so he wouldn’t lose them. Only because they knew he had me and the kids at home and how bad we needed the money.

        I tell mine we are trophies to him. He wants to say he has the wife the kids and this nice little family and show it off when he needs too he just don’t want to invest the time and commitment into it that it needs to make it work. He says no that’s not it at all. That and the fact that he don’t want to have to say he messed up and loss his wife and family. I think the biggest thing that bothers him about us not being back together nothing to do with me or the kids. But just the fact that it is so hard for him to meet people and things that he thinks that he isn’t going to meet anyone else and he is going to be alone. So he would rather be with someone that don’t have feelings for him than alone. Sad to say but I know him and he can’t stand to be alone and he tells me all the time you don’t know what it is like trying to meet someone knew and you women have it so easy guys just talk to you all you don’t have to do anything. Really makes me want to get back together with him. NOT!!! lol

        I have been hoping around to everyone’s blog and trying to get to the new people who have stopped by. Been in a funk and haven’t felt like writing for a while. Trying to get back into it again. Figured I would use the time to catch up with everyone else.

  3. K says:

    I’m the only one that replied on the last post. Did I say something wrong?

  4. mourninglight says:

    Yes, was commenting about the post that said she shouldn’t blame her decent guy husband etc.

  5. Sofia Leo says:

    Don’t apologize for being human and having feelings. I’ve been there. I know your pain. I know how fucked up the whole situation is. I grieve for your soul, which gets crushed just a little bit more with every passing day. I wish I could do something to ease your pain, but all I can do from here is hit “like” in solidarity to let you know that I listen and I care about you.

  6. Zoe says:

    Don’t ever feel sorry for how you feel! And please know that we are all here to support you and not judge you! Hugs :)

  7. mixedemotions says:

    read your post and there’s really no need to apologize… don’t you think you’ve probably done too much of that already… that he even went through with it knowing you didn’t want it, feels very very wrong to me. Just saying.

  8. OneDayAtaTime says:

    I know all to well and bless you my friend and yes I agree with mourninglight and sofia Leo! I feel when someone takes time out and write down their thoughts about any P/A relationship no one really understands, my therapist doesn’t and didn’t which upset me. When we went to see her everything was a mess, blabbering, crying, shacking, and I started out with telling the therapist how he is passive-aggressive and he has hurt me something awful. She asked me what has he done to you. I said he will tell you, then he did say he did treat me awful and he wants to make it right but she (the therapist) started talking about how we should use I feel instead of you stuff. You wanna talk about how confusing it can be….. He admitted doing all this P/A stuff to me and the therapist is talking about using I feel. I just wanted to figure out how to forgive him and pick up and move on but honestly if this happens to you and your P/A comes clean it is still very difficult. Your head~mind~thoughts~ are heavy all the time and you just feel so wore out and it nearly feels like death. Because what was troubling you now became true and now your like I knew it, then your like oh no it is true then you know and you kinda don’t want to know. You get even more confused than ever. Now mine has COME CLEAN and his P/A ass is walking around “I would like to say”, happy, been very thoughtful, using all the 5W’s and 1H which helps our communications, that’s good. This is the thing…… My P/A husband has came clean with me, all the dirty little non-communication stuff, the forgetfulness, the ignoring my wants, needs as a woman, ignoring me even to the point that I was thinking hell why are we together, just like I read on here! Now I have flashbacks, things that has happened to me by him and his lack of making feel like I was his wife instead of a room mate. It pisses me off and really gets under my skin and when I remember always completely being screwed up by his tactics and not understanding the whys and some of the sick tactics he used throughout our marriage! Some of them are just out right embarrassing to me and even today it is hard to say what he has done to me, which when he done them He knew I would be confused, lost and I know “nothing” I could do to turn it around. Yea I am a little up set too…. a lot up set….. and to the point where I am so over it. I may start over with him and the knowing he is a P/A man. This is crazy I know. Someone normal that knew their boundaries would never stay and I am thinking of staying still, even when I out right know he is P/A. It makes me feel sick in the head, makes me wonder why would a person stay with him? Would a normal person stay? Am I crazy for thinking that I know all the things he has done to me and some new ones that I think about that happened a long time ago, I forgotten about them and now some are coming back… and I am thinking of staying together, is that crazy-making!! Or he said he is a P/A but wants new relationship and things with me, wants to make it up to me, said his sorry and said he wants to have new beginnings. Am I crazy if I take a chance on him, another chance with him but with me knowing what he is capable of doing and how he is a crazy making person? Do I believe, I don’t but I want to believe. Does this make anyone think about what they would do it their man came clean. I am in love with him, I am, I truly love him and I understand he didn’t have to open up like he did… He used this which is a good website:
    ( http://www.livestrong.com/article/14713-eliminating-passive-aggressiveness/ )
    and he flat out told me that he does everything on this website. He said he is sorry and he loves me so much too.

    He said it’s just to much on him to see me such a mess and now he wants to stop the cycle. It has been 3 week now and he has been using the 5W’s and 1H and I just love that because it makes us talk about things. He has done some P/A stuff to me and as it occurs I ask him if that is being P/A or I tell him that is P/A. He thinks about it and both of us seem to get something back and so far it has been better. He knows I can’t and won’t go on much long if he keeps his old behavior, honestly I know a few men who would want me and I would just get together with one of them and ask them to be my cuddle buddy but I am not ready to do anything right now, I am healing. I am waiting on him to really choose his behavior because he can go so sweet for about 3 weeks then he starts getting mad at something. I do need time to re-coop and do things with my children and myself to be honest.

    I think it is funny how loyal the women are with and over their P/A Husbands, we are loyal people that is for sure and love, love, love!

    Even now I know He came clean to me I still have screwed up thinking because everything he has done to me I don’t know if I have really forgave him. I have and then I haven’t forgave him and that’s what? I am just so loyal to him and Have I told you that I do love him~ I’m taking it all in right now and doing some new adjusting as always but now I watch and watch and watch his every move and always keep an eye on his tactics, which I know all to well. When I feel something icky I blurt it out and ask what the motives are and I see if there is any action on his part.

    I just adore you, your website and your readers……

  9. You should have said no? Honey, you DID say no. “I told him that I didn’t want anything that he was doing. I tried to explain to him how he keeps hurting me and that is makes it difficult for me to be close to him when he keeps hurting me and how it makes sex unbearable because I don’t feel close to him.”

  10. mourninglight says:

    Teresa, thank you. I think I’ve felt invisible for so long, that it’s going to take a lot to make new tapes in my head. Your words meant so much.

  11. *hugs* Don’t blame yourself. Ever.

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