His mom has bone cancer that is in remission.
Recently, she started having intense pain in her back again, so she finally went back to the hospital.
The cancer hadn’t returned, but another vertebrae had fractured. (Her vertebrae are very fragile because of the cancer.) The fractured vertebrae was putting pressure on a disk and the disk is putting pressure on a nerve, causing the intense pain. Or at least that is what I have been told.
There is a procedure they will do to “fix” the fracture in the vertebrae. She could have had the procedure done at another location a couple of days ago, except for one thing. Because of that one thing, she has to wait a few more days to have the procedure done at the hospital where she is, because of appointment availability.
And that one thing? His dad made a stink about the expense of the ambulance to take her to the other location. It all comes out of their insurance deductible, one way or another. So because of his pig-headedness, she has to spend almost another week in intense pain. (The pain medication they are giving her still isn’t enough to combat the pain.)
My husband can see that his dad is selfish, and mean to his mom. He sees that his dad does whatever he wants, regardless of what his mom wants. He sees that his dad says that what he is doing is for his mom, but is, in reality, for himself. For example, his dad wants to buy a van, so he says it is for my husband’s mom, but she doesn’t want a van. She is scared of vans.
My husband can see these things in his dad.
But I was too scared to ask him if he could see the same thing in himself.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
He likely can’t see his dad in himself. He probably makes comments like, “I will never be like my dad!” and he truly believes it! It’s all part of the sickness in their minds.
The bad thing is…. that could very well be you in that hospital, hurting in all that pain, wanting whoever is in charge of you while your sick (your husband) casting all of your faith in him to take as good of care of you as you would for him. The dynamic of the mind is to think and be true to yourself….. answer the as honestly as you can, Would he take care of you as you would for him? Would he over look the cost of the ambulance to relief you of your pain? I love these quotes: #1) If you aren’t being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Maybe you’ve marked yourself down. It’s you who tells people what your worth. Get off of the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables. #2) The price tag you put on yourself decides your worth. Underestimating yourself will cost you dearly. (I too, give, give, give just to be loved, loved, loved and yet I give first then when it is time for a return I too get shorted. In the end when you ask why did I get treated like second class that’s when it is turned and muddled after the fact things. For instance: If you was the one in the hospital he would use, the doctor didn’t say anything more about moving you or being in enough pain to move ya and they didn’t act like it was that big of an emergency to move you. The “I didn’t know babe.” (You can not win with these contributing factors: Ambiguity, Forgetfulness, Lack of Anger, Fear of Dependency, Fear of Intimacy, Obstructionism, Victimization, Procrastination. How do you feel?)
If you question them… he will be mad in which you know he will not show no one that he is mad but take it out on you in another form or several other forms. I think the best way as I read a lot of books is to start telling everyone that my husband is passive-aggressive then if I am not taking care of people will question his motives why he is not doing what is best for me than me acting like he is fully capable of taking care of me. I know when you act like he is capable of taking care of you. Which in a fantasized world I live in people think I trust him. Then they start thinking she trusts him…. then we have to trust her because she does trust him to take care of her so then… your family and friends will keep their mouths shut because they think you trust him with your life and you really don’t but you put the persona on that you do because you are praying and hoping one day you will. If you let people know that you don’t really trust him and to look out for you…. then they are going to think “why in the world is she with him, she doesn’t even trust him.” Then that is going to make you look crazy because “why would you be with someone one you do not trust with your life?” Why would you be with a man for 20 some years and waiting for this particular person to be the dream of your life?
If you come out of the closet about this then it exposes how screwed up our relationship is, our marriage, our household…. and yes how everything is screwed up. It’s exposed and then it looks like we are a mess. So we keep it to ourselves, our secret is silence because if we let it out then we still are the crack pots, we still seemed to be the messed up ones.
I go to my therapist and I talk about passive aggressiveness and even with her I hold back because it is so crazy to be with someone for as long as codependent people do, then it becomes a form a hope because you really do love this individual. You start doubting yourself because of all the effort you put into the relationship no real progressive has been made just a lot of time passed and the real change has been me, I have changed, I have with-drawled… from family and my beloved friends, I became skeptical about everything to the point where I have been in therapy for years now. (I’m getting a glimpse to know now after all that time… he has now gotten me to change from a health, vibrant, young at heart, who thought she had all of her life’s ever wanting needs to a person who is wondering what the fuck happened to me.
My friend caught on to my husband and she got really pissed at me for putting up with it. She bailed me out of one particular thing. I too was in the hospital and my husband mad me suffer like no one should suffer. She and her husband come to take me out and I was so embarrassed I wanted to forget about the hole thing but what goes into my head is…. is it going to ever happen again? I did say something to him about it several times and he did not earn my trust back. All he had to do is to earn my trust back and he just said it was wrong, I should of hurt you like “that” and left you in pain but I was mad too. He said that I would never have to experience that pain ever, but my thing is I should have never experienced it at all. That screwed me up. I am suppose to have another operation but scared to death to be left in so much pain again. It was one of the most screwed up things ever! I asked myself all the why questions? I know one because my husband I believe does really love me. My girlfriend said she would never ever put up with that shit, period. My councilor says because I basically weight it out. This isn’t as bad as that. I compare it to other really bad things that has happened to me and it makes it not “as bad” but it is still bad. It’s confusing as hell to me but I am working on the whys and yes it sucks ass!
I know I can’t blame him, it is definitely me to appoint. (that’s the codependent part of me, wondering if it is me to some point and still making a point to change for the sake of getting some love) Through all of this, I am the one who changed, sacrificed, thought if I give now he will learn and give later. And I know now that I am a full blown codependent person who just learned of codependency this time around in therapy, many years never one word out of the therapist about codependent. I learned I have a high tolerance to pain, any kind of pain, (I used to think that was great, more of a pain tolerance the tougher you are and what a cool human being that is, to tolerate pain to full maximum and can stand it for long periods of time. I learning now, it’s not supernatural thing, it’s bad as a matter of fact. Once you have a high tolerance then you start to negotiate with who you are. Who would of thought, not me! anyways…moving on) forgiveness, giving chances way more than an average person (I give chance after chance after change. I never stop giving chances out.. sold myself cheap there too), so much it has made my price tag below clearance. I’m more in the 80% off after Halloween mark down and when I mark myself high price it seems my husband does not want to pay that much for his wife sanity. (My boo isn’t the kind of person who takes money from me he has never done that to me) Just likes to maybe see if I will compromise my self-worth? Like my principles, values, character, Christianity, believes about myself has all been tested and I failed to protect them because I felt I needed be flexible with the one that I love. Do not ask my why…. I do not know why still to this day and I am searching for the answer for 3 months now coming close to the answer then falling short.
Which after time I can somewhat see if I kept all my values, I would not have been married for as long as I have and I truly now think (in some kind of way that I wanted to be married for along time, stay together for the kids as well as for my values, principles, character and my Christian faith) in some kind of mucked up way now I am thinking that I was married for 23 years because of the lack of truth that I reluctantly place in the back of my head and choose not to look at it not because of my values, principles, and my character and my faith. If it was because of my values, principles, character and my faith I would of never, ever, ever compromise them to be married but if we would of worked through them I believe is some kind of way our marriage wouldn’t have made it though it. Sadly enough I compromised and this is where my passive-aggressive husband got me again and now if I start taking me serious and lets say he doesn’t take me as serious as I want him too. (my price tag I have on myself) I still could be going through a divorce, so If I stood my ground 22 years ago, 18 years ago 10 years ago, 5 years ago or now…. I feel probable like you feel now that I didn’t have the courage to see my self on the top rack worth a lot more than I sell myself for or put myself on a cover of a magazine, I always thought he should of been on the top rack, the cover…. not me. It makes me….. ask why all the time. A lot of the time I do believe I am top shelf then I think he doesn’t think he is so I will let him feel he is top shelf in my book.
See you never can win with passive-aggressive people… unless your honest out loud, to the open, not worry about what it looks like and except it like it is. I think passive-aggressive people win because we shut up and get embarrassed about it more than anything…. because it is quite embarrassing if I may say myself. It makes me realize how bad I am really am.
Good luck with yourself! Take care of yourself…. your top shelf!
Sorry it is so long but everyone will be hospitalized at one point or another in life.
Hi. Thank you so much for your comment! You put so much into it and you are so right! I have not valued myself as I should. I still don’t because I am not sure how to, but I am trying to work on it. Only a few years ago I learned I was co-dependent and it is taking me a long time to unlearn it! Yes, I have kept my mouth shut. I thought I was being a good, Christian wife by just being quiet, being “submissive.” But it wasn’t that at all; it was co-dependent. And I never would have ever dreamed of telling anyone that my husband was passive-aggressive. My brother figured it out, though! Passive aggressive people do win when we shut up! I hadn’t really thought about it like that before! Like I said, I thought I was “being good” by not saying anything, and then when I did try to explain things to some people, I just sounded crazy, so I stopped. But you are right. I do need to speak up more – to him, and to others about what he is. His/our children won’t even speak to him and I have gotten the blame for it, even though I had nothing to do with him not having a relationship with them. If I had told people what he is, they maybe would better understand.
Thank you so much for your comment! Having gone through this, you have a lot of insight to share! Thank you for your wishes and I will keep trying to take good care of myself.
Birds of a feather, obviously.
The mistakes we see best in others are often the weaknesses we deny in ourselves. I know that from my own experiences…