I don’t know if it is because I am sick. I don’t know if it is because I am tired. I don’t know if it is because I ate too many chocolate chips. I don’t know if it is because it is the week-end.
I don’t know if it is because of the study I participated in today. (See post and post.)
But I feel so depressed. I feel hopeless and discouraged. I hate myself. And I just want it to be all over.
On the survey, she warns that if you feel suicidal to stop and seek help. Well, I am not planning to kill myself, but I can very much see why she would include such a warning, if the way I am feeling is because of what I thought about and wrote about today on the survey.
I keep telling myself that I am just tired, that I will feel better tomorrow, that somehow things will work out for me. But I also don’t believe myself. I feel like I am such a mess and old and fat and ugly and nobody would ever love me. And I feel stupid for thinking these things and writing these things.
I hate the week-ends. I hate being home with him around.
He’s building a fire so we can roast hot dogs for dinner. I don’t feel like doing that. I don’t even care. My daughter needs dinner, but she will have nothing to do with him, so I will very kindly bring her her hot dogs. I don’t mind doing that for her because I love her very much, but I hate him for putting me in this position.
Anyhow, I have to go wash dishes. Because he doesn’t do dishes. (See post.)
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
I know I don’t really know you but I do wish you would go see a counselor. I get that you aren’t saying you are going to hurt yourself, but being depressed and feeling so unworthy is hurting yourself and you deserve more than that. My husband and I have both started EMDR therapy and although I’ve only done one session so far, IT IS AMAZING! It helps you to see how the little things that you don’t think are bothering you are really related to the big things that are dragging you down and it helps you to rethink it all and learn to associate more positive thoughts. (((hugs)))
Thank you for your concern, Carrie. I made an appointment this afternoon to go see my therapist tomorrow. I do realize that there is an association between little things and big things, and between things in the past and things in the present. I regress far too often and don’t seem like I make much progress in reprogramming my thought process. Thank you for your concern and your hugs! :}