When he said he was thinking about coming to visit at my sister’s house Friday night, I thought he would come by for a couple of hours and then go home. (See post.)
Well… he stayed.
Early Saturday evening, he was playing with the nieces and nephews – he’s better at this than talking with the grown-ups – and one of my nieces asked him if he was going to sleep at their house. And he said yes!
It turns out he had brought his sleeping bag and overnight stuff and was planning to stay.
I didn’t know this. More importantly, my sister and her husband didn’t know this.
My sister’s house isn’t big and it is already full. Since my other sister was visiting, the number of people in the house had doubled. They invited me and I was one more. There was pretty much no more floor space. Had they planned on my husband ahead of time, they could have made different arrangements. But that wasn’t the case.
He ended up sleeping on the floor in the kitchen. There literally wasn’t much else left.
My nieces and nephews like him and my sisters and their husbands are courteous to him. But he simply doesn’t blend well. My sisters and their husbands are very outwardly focused. Their conversations are not about themselves. They train their children to think about others, to be considerate of others.
My husband is not that way. It is always very much about him. So any time he can commandeer the conversation, it becomes about him.
My brothers-in-law are really good friends and my husband changes the whole dynamic.
The two families were together because my brothers-in-law are planning a back-packing trip. This wasn’t an official family gathering like Fourth of July or Thanksgiving.
Anyhow, so that really rained on my parade. I am much more tense around him and even though I tried not to let it affect me that he was there, it did. My sisters and their husbands were gracious, but it was awkward.
I really resented that he did this. This was my time with my sisters, away from him. I guess he wasn’t okay with that.
The first twenty four hours that I was there, I was really relaxed. It was so nice to laugh and joke with all of them. And have more serious conversations. These things aren’t possible with my husband.
And I slept so nicely all by myself that first night. My spot was in my brother-in-law’s office. It wasn’t a space that much wider than my sleeping bag. I had a thin mat and a folded comforter under my sleeping bag, so there was a little padding. And I was by myself. It was so pleasant!
Even though he wasn’t actually sleeping in the same room with me the next night, I felt tense just that he was there. And resentful for what he had done.
Oh, well….
Life goes on…
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Maybe you should try being more honest and tell him, “Look you’re passive aggressive and don’t know how to mix well with people and it makes it awkward for all of us, so don’t come to my sisters house and if you do, you will have to pay for a hotel for yourself!”
I hate how we pander to these guys, and yes, I do it also! But I’m standing up for myself more and more…and it feels good inside!
It’s making PA Man act more PA…but oh well, I’m being true to myself, and that’s all that matters!
They are NEVER going to change….why should they? No one shakes up their world….but we allow them to shake up ours pretty badly!!
I agree with lonelywife07. Confront him about it and tell him he was rude.
By the way, that bit about doing better playing with the children sounds all too familiar. As far as mine goes, even most of his fathering consists of playing with the children.
My P.A./Narc husband is so oppositional with me that reverse psychology, as cliche as it sounds, actually works. I”m guessing yours knew that you really didn’t want him to come, so he came. But had he thought that you really wanted him to? Eh, he wouldn’t have come.
Telling him he’s PA won’t do anything but earn a lecture about how wrong you are and who are you to even think you’re qualified to diagnose him and aren’t you projecting YOUR OWN issues onto him, and on and on if he’s anything like my ex-narc.
I tried to point out his bad behavior. I told him how much he hurt me and I was specific about incidents that happened very recently and even worked up the courage to tell him at the very moment he was hurting me. He used all this information as ammunition against me later.
The only “cure” for these assholes is to leave. Go No Contact and see how your attitude and outlook on life change. Worked for me.
I wish my husband would attend a family gathering with me. He stopped attending years ago. There are no family functions on his side of the family because he’s estranged from his father (has never met his stepmother) and only has a telephone relationship with his brother. PAs don’t like social situations where they don’t have control and where they may be rejected. So he thinks my family does not like him and even though I invite him to every gathering, he won’t go and I am always alone like I’m not even married. Actually he doesn’t go anywhere with me. If we are out together, it is a destination of his choosing, where he is comfortable and there is no danger of being rejected. This is absolutely pathetic and abnormal.
Mine was the same way and still is even after we split up. When I got with my daughters dad we never once went to a family gathering on my side of the family because guess who was always there. Yep father of the year. Even when I said I would not come if he was there or that I shouldn’t have to have him there every time we do something everyone invited him anyway. For almost a year I didn’t see my family over it.
When we were together he wouldn’t walk out of the house and go anywhere or take me anywhere but as soon as I would make plans to go out with my friends he would make comments and have his hisses fit because I was going. If He hadn’t been the one who had to watch the kids he would have went or showed up as well. The once or twice I did take him it was so award and unconformable I would have rather been home than out with friends.
I’ve learned that the line you should focus on in this whole event is “And I slept so nicely by myself that first night”. Just say it over and over even if nothing changes at all. Say it to yourself everyday as a mantra for a year, close your eyes, remember that moment in time and think about how you felt at that moment. You weren’t lonely, you weren’t afraid to be alone, you weren’t lost without him, you felt good, you felt relieved, you felt happy. Just keep saying to yourself, I was by myself and I felt good in that moment. Don’t include him in the thought, make it yours. You don’t even have to act on it, not every thought requires action, just repeated over and over it does wonders.