chicken

He brought home chicken.

I texted him and asked him to bring home chicken.

So he brought home chicken.

Chick-fil-a.

I wanted Zaxby’s.

No, I didn’t text “Zaxby’s.”  I texted “chicken.”

My mistake.

But he always brings home Zaxby’s.  (Well, except for the time he brought home steak and said, “I didn’t know if you would like this….”  So why did he bring it home when he thought I might not like it?)

I like Zaxby’s.  It tastes good.  There are ten pieces – five for me, five for my daughter.

But tonight the Chick-fil-a was only three pieces in a box (he did bring two boxes, at least) and it didn’t taste very good to me.  My apologies to Chick-fil-a and those who like Chick-fil-a.  I didn’t eat it.

I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor in the dark and cried.

And cried.

And cried.

I feel so crazy.   I don’t want to be crazy.  I want to be sane and rational.

Maybe part of it is  hormonal.

Maybe part of it is my intestines.  I have issues with my intestines and that often affects my emotions.

What ever the cause, I wanted to die.

I can’t keep doing this and I haven’t found my way out yet.  I am so stuck, so screwed up.

Finally, I went to get some water to drink and he asked me what was bothering me.

I told him that I had wanted Zaxby’s.  He said he didn’t know it mattered.

He said he would go get Zaxby’s.

I told him I didn’t want it.  I feel sick.  I want to throw up.  I don’t want to eat anything.

He asked me why it was so hard for me to get along with him or something like that.  (I can’t even remember what he asked me and it was only a few minutes ago.)

I told him it was because I was a terrible person.  That was the answer.

I’m going to sleep in the living room tonight.  I’ve slept in the living room for most of the past week.

I want this all to be over.  I’m trying not to think about killing myself because of my daughters.

But I want this to be all over.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to chicken

  1. GainingStrength says:

    You are not a terrible person. You are an abused person. I remember feeling like what you wrote. I remember curling up in the fetal position in bed and crying silently so he wouldn’t hear and begging God to end my life. The pain seemed so unbearable.

    He is gone now and the divorce is final, but recovery from the abuse is also painful. I take it one day (sometimes one miserable and sometimes one okay) day at a time. I was told recently that it well get better, but it will get a lot worse before it gets better. What? After all the years of abuse and it will get worse before it gets better? Like I said, one day and one problem at a time.

    Trust me, just because the divorce is final doesn’t mean there’s no more mind games. I can’t wait until I absolutely will not have to have any contact with him…ever again. Reading your blog reminds me of the misery of living with him, so the problems I’m experiencing will all be worth it when I get everything sorted out and figured out! :) In the meantime, I’ll continue on my journey of recovery and rediscovering the new me…who ever she is! :).

    Ask God for the strength and courage to take that first major step to freedom. It will happen.

    • I spend a lot of time curled up in a fetal position, crying, telling God that I want to die. I pray for deliverance and comfort. Sometimes I pray for strength and courage. I used to pray that more often, but I just feel so beat. I’ll pray that more often. Thank you.

  2. lonelywife07 says:

    Writing….you seriously need to read and blog at http://www.cryingoutforjustice.com You will find support there, and you will see that sometimes God is telling you to “GO” and you’re just not listening! You’re letting fear control you, fear of finances, fear of the future, etc.. and fear is from satan NOT God!
    Letting ANYONE drive you towards thoughts of dying in wrong! You are a child of God…and He does NOT want this for you!
    You are miserable….so make some decisions, set some boundaries with your husband…and go see an attorney!!

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