Words, actions, and crumbs.

Last week we met with Julie, the therapist. (See post.)

She told him to spend fifteen minutes every evening talking to me about four emotions that he had that day.   We were also each supposed to compliment each other on something every evening.  She told us that it was our marriage and up to us if we wanted to work on it.

It’s been over a week since we saw her and we have indeed exchanged compliments every evening.

However, about the sharing emotions thing…

The first night, he ended up sharing three emotions, which I already wrote about.  The next night, it was two things he was happy about.   The next night, it was something else he was happy about.

Then, for two nights in a row, he didn’t talk to me about emotions at all.

The night following that, he told me that he didn’t talk to me because he was angry.  But he never said about what.  I told him, very gently, that that was what the problem was – that he didn’t talk to me when he was angry.  I don’t think he ever got it.

The next night, he brought up something that I hadn’t done that he thought I should have done, even though, in reality, it was none of his business.  But, he didn’t talk about emotions at all.  He was just calling me to task about this particular thing.

I don’t think he said anything about emotions the next night, either, and then last night, he had a headache and wasn’t up to talking about emotions.

Here’s how this looks to me:  he says our marriage means so much to him, but he’s not willing to do the hard work of telling me about his emotions.

And actions speak louder than words.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About the crumbs….

This afternoon, the one who sometimes winks at me winked and smiled at me as he walked by.  I felt warm and happy inside, which is a really rare feeling for me.

And then I felt like I was a silly, desperate woman because this man smiling at me made feel good.

I don’t want to be a desperate woman.  I don’t want to be a woman who seeks men’s attentions that way.

I was praying about this on the way home after work, praying that I could stop feeling like I wanted other men’s attentions, that I wouldn’t feel so happy if someone chances to wink at me.

So what happens?

I usually go grocery shopping on Wednesdays after work and today was no different.   I went to the gym and then did my usual stops at several different grocery stores to get the things that I need.

The last store that I stop at is about three miles from where I live.

And guess who I see at that store.

So we talked for a few minutes.  It wasn’t a flirty conversation or anything like that.  It was pretty mundane, actually, but I have to confess that I like talking to him.  I made sure that I was the one who ended the conversation and walked off so I don’t appear clingy or desperate or anything.   Then a little later as I am checking out, he waves bye to me.  I smile and wave back.

What was this about praying not to be made happy by someone else?

I just smiled all the way home.

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3 Responses to Words, actions, and crumbs.

  1. OneDayAtaTime says:

    I gotten tired of letting my man do things like that so I started BUSTING him out, tell him what you are telling us. If he signed up and agreed that he would talk every night about 4 emotions…. that is what he agreed on. Bust him out and like my doctor told me, you have to retrain him how you want to be treated and this is not flying with you. You spent the time to go to counseling and if he wanted to go or not…. he went and joined in. Period, end of conversation. If he wants to be treated like a person who has no respect for you then you should not give him better treatment than he is giving you. This is the hardest, I mean hardest part. If you have decided to stay together and work on it together that is exactly what that means: 1# is you two have decided to work together so what happens when he doesn’t do what he says he is going to do. I can not tell you what to do but I, when I started taking my own word seriously and start having reproductions for I, My man when he started his crap about telling the councilor oh I want my marriage, I love her, I work hard for our family, I don’t do anything to her I don’t know why she is so aggravated with me? Me, I bust my husband out, (I now will even remind him that… that is passive aggressive behavior and I am no tolerating it no longer, and I tell him this isn’t happening anymore, now this is after a few weeks gone by, after many busting out parties we have had if…. anyone knows what I mean, it can be awhile talk because the two of us wanted to get out the why I am serious about my words thing, and this is how I want my life!) after I say what I mean to say then I walk away or I don’t look at him and then wait for 30 40 seconds and if he doesn’t respond. I will remind him what he promised me and our marriage. Wait to see what comes out of his mouth, at first and it will be probably this: I forgot, I thought I did, I don’t know what to say, and then of course he is not mad but really boiling inside, may even make life hard on you by not doing what he promised to do. That is what P.A.’s do. They act like they don’t know but they really do know and when they are mad…. they say they are not mad… then take stupid, really ridiculous easy stuff and make it almost impossible task to get done even for you to get it done. Realizing this for me was the first task, second task for me learning how to bust him out in away where is made me stronger as a person so I could keep my confidence up, my will and get what I want out of the relationship, period. I became a me, me, my values, my character, my dignity is important and my husband would have to learn what my “needs” were and “start” remembering them. When he started relaxing on my values system no shit, I took some of my money back, I went out with friend, I did anything that kept me from being miserable, unhappy, pissed of bitch to now I must say I start my new life January 1st 2013, learned many new thing from al-anon, books, counseling, my doctor too and just the want to learn how to battle up and just get some of me…. back since I married, I changed every year and it has been 23 years of me changing so it is going to take me awhile to work some change myself now, but I read and figure out the ways I can get mine too, that is for damn sure, (not being mean but I flexed over the passed years so much, that I forgotten I was this man’s girlfriend, lover, and his wife. I stopped being funny, laughing, and enjoying the moment because he stopped giving love to me. When the conversation parties started, awkward!!!! It will be awkward so know that for sure! But after I started keeping my word to myself, kept reminding him busting him out in front of whoever whenever, I just stopped caring about his dignity and started worrying about my dignity, period! I think some people would and will think this is selfish, I don’t think it is not, clearly now that I talk if I only thought of another persons value system, respected it as it meant something to me…. then one day I wake up and ask the other person to respect who I am and what I want for myself…. and in the norm, I would have no problem but in my case I became so pissed off because I gave respect for years and the things who made who I am today was passed over, not respect or cared for. Today, I stand here today say…. the people who helped me get where I am going the places I have been and things that I have done will not be forgotten and will be shared and most of all my love he has to understand.

    Sorry so long again but I feel this is an interesting conversation too. Any commits sorry if any miss spelling was in a big hurry!

  2. Susan says:

    Right on, OneDayataTime!!! I’ve been calling my husband on his PA behaviour as well. I, too, get nothing but denial, but I feel better telling him how ticked off I am than keeping it all bottled up inside wondering why he is doing this to me and our kids. I’m encouraging the kids to do the same and showing them how to recognize PA behaviour. We have just started family counselling and are facing a long uphill battle. We have 3 girls and if we get anything out of therapy, it is my hope they recognize an unhealthy relationship EARLY on and get out. I’ve been following this post for a while and it has been keeping me sane knowing I’m not alone. I look forward to each new post and the ensuing replies. I wish everyone here wasn’t in the predicament they are to need to vent online. But it isn’t a perfect world and I’m so glad I found this site. THANK YOU for having the courage and insight to create this website! It has been vey valuable to me!

  3. OneDayAtaTime says:

    Hey ya,, hope everything is going alright and I was thinking of you. I don’t mean to write like a bat out of hell yesterday but just was implying that you will always have options, options, options, you have it going on and bless you heart. I found this prayer that I love too, so I will share.

    “God, you care deeply for broken-hearted people. This is a promise you make: You are close. We pray for all those who are crippled by broken relationships. Our hearts take the blow of disappointment. We feel crushed because our hopes are dashed. God, heal broken hearts. We cannot fix our own wounds. But you can. If pieces of our heart have been lost, or are held captive by another, recover them and bring them back to us and miraculously “put us back together” so that our heart is whole again. You are a mender of broken hearts. We ask for this miracle, in the name of Jesus.”

    And I leave you with this:

    Decide what makes you happy…. deep down inside? What makes you really just giggle, ask for it, seek it out, and knock on who’s door you want to share the moment with. (If the first person you ask won’t or doesn’t….. ask, ask, ask, seek, seek, seek and knock, knock, knock.

    7:7-11 Prayer is the appointed means for obtaining what we need. Pray; pray often; make a business of prayer, and be serious and earnest in it. Ask, as a beggar asks alms. Ask, as a traveler asks the way. Seek, as for a thing of value that we have lost; or as the merchantman that seeks goodly pearls. Knock, as he that desires to enter into the house knocks at the door. Sin has shut and barred the door against us; by prayer we knock. Whatever you pray for, according to the promise, shall be given you, if God see it fit for you, and what would you have more? This is made to apply to all that pray aright; every one that asketh receiveth, whether Jew or Gentile, young or old, rich or poor, high or low, master or servant, learned or unlearned, all are alike welcome to the throne of grace, if they come in faith. It is explained by a comparison taken from earthly parents, and their readiness to give their children what they ask. Parents are often foolishly fond, but God is all-wise; he knows what we need, what we desire, and what is fit for us. Let us never suppose our heavenly Father would bid us pray, and then refuse to hear, or give us what would be hurtful.

    Keep your smile on, listen to music that inspires you. I post music that inspires me another time when I don’t understand, confused, or just don’t get it.

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