the outhouse

This morning, I received an email from my husband with the subject, “thinking of you.”  The only thing in the email was an attachment.  I opened the attachment and there was a picture of him.

A picture of him sitting in an outhouse.

The outhouse is the latest amenity that he has added to the fort.  (See previous post.)

I can’t even describe how I felt.

I know he thought he was trying to be funny.

But, you know what?  I just want someone to be sweet to me.  Just sweet.

I have a really good sense of humor.  Believe me!  Maybe it doesn’t come out in this blog, but it is there.  I enjoy good fun and funny stuff just as much as the next guy.

But something in my heart wants to be cherished and adored ~ not thought of while you’re sitting in out house.

Maybe if the relationship were better in other ways, maybe it wouldn’t hurt if he sent me a picture of himself sitting in outhouse, thinking of me.

But, you know what, the relationship isn’t better.  It’s empty and it’s painful.

A few minutes ago, he was leaving to go to a family reunion.  I was sitting outside at my table under the tree crying, trying to get some of this pain and frustration out.

He asked me what was wrong.

You know how the story goes.  I tell him I don’t like living here.  He asks what he can do.

I told him that he knows what I want.  I told him it’s hard to live with him, that he acts like a ten year old boy, living in his own world, not considering what others want and need, that it’s hard living here knowing that my daughters have no daddy, never knowing what trick he will pull next.

He asked what I meant by what trick he will pull.  He said he doesn’t pull any tricks.

I brought up the email.  I said to him, that’s the kindest, sweetest thing you could think of to send me?  A picture of you in an outhouse?

He said he thought it was funny.  He asked what I wanted him to send me.  I told him what bothered me was the whole mind-set behind it all.

I told him that I often have not done things right, that I haven’t used wisdom, that I haven’t been understanding, but I told him that, on the other hand, I don’t want to be treated this way.

He asked how I wanted to be treated.  I told him that I want to be treated with kindness and respect and sweetness, I want to be cherished and adored.  I told him I wanted to be loved with the love he says my family didn’t give me.

He said he wants to love me.

I flung up my hands in frustration.  Then I asked him if he could just leave for the family reunion.   He said, no.

I was quiet for a couple of minutes.  Then I said, well, I have things to do.  And I went into the house.

Then he left for the reunion.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, P.A., passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to the outhouse

  1. mourninglight says:

    Oh. Bad chills crawled over my skin reading this.
    “Maybe if the relationship were better in other ways, maybe it wouldn’t hurt if he sent me a picture of himself sitting in outhouse, thinking of me.”
    I have no doubt you have a good sense of humor.
    It would be really funny if you were a ten year old boy getting that email from him.

    “He asked how I wanted to be treated.” That is the weak, pathetic excuse and substitute for accountability that a typical passive aggressive would give. It makes the top of my head want to blow off.

    Really. Is that all they can come up with?

    How do you want to be treated?
    What would you like to do for date time?
    What kind of gifts would you like me to give you?
    What can I do?

    It would be great if answering those questions wasn’t an exercise in futility.

  2. bamboozled1 says:

    i want to ask a question…
    do you love him?
    do you see him there, at the end of your life?
    will you miss him when hes gone?

    i feel worry reading this, because ive kinda been where you are… and its horrible. but, way more than that. i dont want you to be where i ended up. which is 10000000x worse.

    and im seeing all kinds of red flags…
    now *I* know, hes done it to himself… but he doesnt have the capacity to realise that, or to do anything about it.

    what am i trying to say?
    he might just get to thinking, if he isnt already, and i read your post where finding someone else is something thats on your mind also… she clearly doesnt appreciate me, ill go find someone who will. passive aggressive people think like that, but… worse :/ men who feel like they cant make their wives happy have something bad happen to their brains… and then they go and do bad things… :/

    and i see youre still asking him to care, so while you may feel completely fed up… youre still hoping something will change yeah? it can be you… you can teach him, i know, you think, i shouldnt have to teach him! he should just know! and if you tell him then its meaningless… i used to think like that too…

    i know you have so much resentment towards him, but recovery from this point is sooo much easier than recovering from an affair. unless youre at a point where it would give you the out you really desire.

    im truly sorry to bring this up, i dont want to cause panic or anything, i would really hate to see you join the ranks.

  3. thenarcissistwrites says:

    Look, he’s obviously not ever going to understand this, and you’re never going to change his attitude. It’s time to look for alternative solutions.

    On a side note, the outhouse picture – that is kind of funny, if you think about it. And in a gross way, kind of sweet. It’s an indication that when his mind is left free to wander (which happens for most people in the bathroom, when they’re not preoccupied with anything but nature’s call), it wanders towards you. Now, that’s not an excuse for him being unable to think up anything more up your alley in terms of sweetness, but at least it wasn’t intended negatively.

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      I don’t agree that he didn’t know or understand at all that it would have a negative impact. I think he probably understood quite well.
      I do agree he’s unlikely to change his attitude.
      Passive aggressive men are driven to create distance. To offend and then take offense if you’re offended. A repetitive pattern and dynamic that occurs that often over a long time period is unlikely to be unintentional.
      Or as Dr. George Simon expressed it, “They’re aware, they just don’t care.”

  4. Seeing the Light says:

    I am not the sort of person who is in the habit of denying people the benefit of the doubt. However, with all I have learned about passive aggressive people, including my experience with at least one such person, I am inclined to believe that this is not about one’s sense of humor at all. I have frequently seen hostility and an attempt to get some sort of emotional food/supply out of someone veiled under supposed humor and “just kidding.” When I read your last two blogs, I found the connection curious. Didn’t you express your difficulty over eating in the area of the fort because of your pain over the loss of your beloved pony? And less than forty-eight hours later, this odd sort of communication with thinking of you in an outhouse on or near the same site? You said, “I know he thought he was trying to be funny,” and “He said he thought it was funny.” I wonder.

    I found the link above to be quiet interesting!!! many of those describe my pa spouse, i’m wondering now if its more than pa. There is also articles online by Dr. George K Simon that says it may not be pa behavior at all, maybe character disordered, it’s worth looking into. At least for my peace of mind, I hope.

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